Forgive me. I'm permanently stunted to believe that I am still 16. Although I've begun to take proactive steps to ensure a longer life, I still believe I'm a superhero despite everything I read and hear.
However, I'm getting wake-up calls left and right.
- A couple years ago, my Mother cut out a newspaper article about a local 28 year old diabetic who was blind and suffered from renal failure. According to a lot of endocrinoligists, Type I Diabetics from this particular generation (age 25-35) are showing a noted pattern of only being able to survive for 20 years on insulin therapy without complications. You see, medicine just wasn't that knowledgeable about the disease until about a decade or so. Whereas they once believed us Type I Diabetics could test our blood sugars 3X per day and take three injections, they are now realizing the disease requires much more intensive maintenance than that.
Specialists now tell patients that a consistent Hemoglobin A1C count of 7 or less is required to prevent microvascular damage. This test measures your long term blood count of sugar - kind of like a blood sugar test encompassing a three month period. Think about this in my own, personal terms. The lowest A1C I've ever scored was while pregnant - I got a 7. However, I've since maintained it somewhere between 8.5 and 11. And most of my formative years were spent in the 10 range.
Anyway, this article really screwed me up. I hadn't been feeling well for a long time - no med insurance for a couple years will do that to you. Upon reading that article, I made a vow to get a divorce and become self-reliant. I will never, ever rely upon a man - and his vows/spoken promises - to take care of me. It's all me, baby.
- In early 2004 my boyfriend at the time - Z - was in a horrific car wreck and died. 3 times. In the first hours after the wreck I received a phone call from his best friend, Addison. Addison asked me if Z had medical insurance and also asked that I come fill out forms for him at the trauma center. I told Addison that he was talking to the wrong person - call Z's estranged wife. This decision may have ensured his rapid treatment due to his insurance status. However, it also left me without contact with him for 6 months.
My point is this: I had been busy living the life of a pseudo-addict. Upon this event, I was left cynical, bitter, and wizened. If my miraculous man - he of the double-jointed flexibility who could fold his body into a knotted pretzel - could be hurt, then so could I.
- Last November a friend committed suicide in his Atlanta apartment by hanging. He was a long-time addict who had managed to stay away from the shit for a full year. His boyfriend broke up with him, and he began to go out on dancing/drugging binges. My friend suffered the typical, intense dark depression that comes with withdrawals. And he chose to end his life.
I was really screwed about that one, too. He was 26 - just a few years older than me at the time. In a lot of ways, he was in the midst of a lifestyle that was very real to me. I knew that dark, depressive funk. The idea that he could take that final leap and really end it. Wow. What a bastard.
And I felt old, having to help write prayers and speeches for his memorial service. I'm still 16, you see.
- This latest event has really turned me for a loop. My lovely faery friend sent an email last night, called "A Wee Announcement". It basically stated that she has discovered a lump in her breast, which is cancerous. They are doing a lumpectomy on her, and upon further diagnosis they will proscribe chemo or whathaveyou. She is 29, happily married, with three absolutely beautiful daughters.
And boy, did I cry. I'm not 16 and a Superhero any more. I don't spend my days painting and sewing and my nights dancing and drugging all night. I have a job and responsibilities. And my friends get sick, hurt. My friends and family die.
I'm learning. Every moment means more than just the final last. I feel my mortality, and I want to tell everyone I love how much I appreciate that they were born. I was lucky enough to be placed in a geographic plane on this earth that I could meet you all and fall in love.
Hug your loved ones today. Tell them how incredible your life is now that they are in it. And smile. For nothing in your own life can be as bad as what someone else is going through. It could be worse. We've been given a really remarkable deal.
I don't know if this is a one-time shot. I don't believe it is. However, I do believe that reincarnation is such that you would probably not be able to transfer your stream of consciousness to the next life. So you should consider this as your sole opportunity.
Much love.
Snewo
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