Sunday, April 30, 2006

A few bitchy notes, minus any substance.

Forewarning: I'm a little off. I went and begged for new drugs last week, and in order to do that, I have to wean myself off of the happy drugs I'm on right now. Meaning I'm kind of falling deeper and deeper into a funk. So forgive me if I'm not real talkative. I'm kind of stuck in my own head like a really bad acid trip.

Just a couple of thoughts:

1. CRITTERSVILLE WAL-MART IS CONSPIRING WITH THE CHRISTIAN COALITION.
Crittersville's Walmart no longer sells condoms. I first noticed they pulled them off of the shelves a couple months back, when they were doing this store remodeling. I always went to Walmart because they have a self-check out and they carry this weird unusual brand we favor. The only other place they sell this particular brand is my local Eckerd pharmacy, and I absolutely can't buy condoms there. The staff has known me since I was 14. It's hard enough getting prescriptions filled there from the OB/GYN - you know, you pull the whole red-faced, averted eyes thing while the nice, elderly pharmacist who reminds you of your granddad also looks away in embarassment.

So Walmart was always safe. I always felt like trashy people shop at Walmart anyway. I thought I wouldn't run into anyone who I cared saw my cart with the very indiscreet red box within.

But Walmart must have been overrun by the Southern Baptists. The condoms are gone. Kaputzki. I even checked one day to see if the pharmacy stuck them behind the counter. Nope. No sight of them anywhere. I wanna know why it is okay for Walmart to sell the sluttiest panties around, those slutty little Bratz dolls, and little girls' clothing that looks pedophile-appropriate, but safe sex isn't advocated.

Fuc$ing Southerners. I swear they invented the pull-out method. And you wonder why teen pregnancy is such a problem here. I mean, isn't the message a little fuc&ed up? Don't wrap it, but you can't find an abortion clinic to save your life, and even if you could, you'll be harassed by the Ne0-Nazi protesters who'll scar you with some kind of post-traumatic stress disorder.

Unlike the message I grew up with, which was inflicted upon me in my first sex ed class held in 6th grade, at the ripe old age of 11. "Wrap it or you'll die." AND "You don't have any business having babies, so you better wrap it and get on the pill simultaneously. Should something happen, there is a clinic here and here and here and here and here and here and here......Your parents don't have to know...."


2. I WAS SERVED BREAKFAST BY ONE OF MY FORMER CLASSMATES AND IT WAS A LITTLE UNSETTLING.

Megan Chitwood served me breakfast at Doug's Place yesterday, and despite the fact the service sucked I forced Z to tip her well. It was altogether unsettling to sit there, feeling old and yucky and un-made up and un-shaved legs and un-touched up highlights in the midst of a pretty hard-core depression...and have some girl-woman who looks 16 but has kids your age and wears a size 0 jean serve you biscuits and gravy. By the way, their red-eye gravy rocks, if you ever stop by. It's kind of a southside mainstay, if you haven't been to Doug's you don't live here. But their red-eye could possibly be better than ol' Tiny McGinnis'.

3. MIKE'S LIGHT HARD LEMONADE SUCKS.
Hence the name contradiction, I suppose. You can't name something a "Light Hard" thingamajig unless you are purposefully aiming for mediocrity. When you want a buzz, you'd be better off grabbing some of that Boone's Farm off the shelf. Again, why we hate Wal-Mart.

4. WHAT HAPPENED TO JAVIER LOPEZ?
I was a pretty-hard core Braves fan about a decade ago. I hate to admit it, but it was all about the Javi. That man was hot. I don't care if he couldn't speak english. He made a baseball uniform look good.

Now we have some ugly guy catching the balls. Where's Javi?



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Thursday, April 27, 2006

HAVE I TOLD ANYONE LATELY HOW MUCH I HATE MY JOB?

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Monday, April 24, 2006

Anti-Vaccination Movement Gets A New Spokesman

So I've mentioned my tribulations with the anti-vaccination movement, what with all the people around me shouting about the dangers involved, the Pharma conspiracy, and the CDC strike to control the world.

Bah Humbug.

But now - a new, stronger movement is evolving!

You have a new spokesman, people!

When you want to pop painkillers, assault your hot wife, lose $100,000 sports betting, check out child porn on the web, hire prostitutes, and solicit sex online with pictures of your erect penis - while trying to protect his infant from the dangers of vaccinations...............

Call Charlie Sheen. He had the sense to call his chiropractor when his wife wanted to take the baby to the pediatrician for her vaccinations. He is a glowing example of the kind of moral values we are trying to protect here. His dignity in the face of the U.S. establishment/Pro-Pharma movement is incredibly encouraging.

Has someone drawn up a contract for Charlie as the new Anti-Vac spokesperson?

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0421061sheen1.html

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Saturday, April 22, 2006

Hot Pink Phone

So I'm strolling around with my hot pink phone attached to ear, wearing my gold stripper shoes. If your name begins with the letter J-Z, I need you to call me. My SIM card only kept letters A-J. I need your phone number again.

Call the hot pink phone. Same number. (770) 815-XXXX.

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Thursday, April 20, 2006

Wine Review

One blogger I check out is an Atlanta native and shares my passion for food.
In this city of (largely) the food nouveau riche, who really don't appreciate the finer things, this is a huge discovery for me. Her blog - Live to Nibble - is located here: http://livetonibble.blogspot.com/ .

She wrote a post about gas station wine, and her amazing albeit shameful find of great bargain buys. I ecstatically posted a comment. This is a familiar and favorite topic as of late. Here is what I wrote:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am now passionate about "Bargain Wines", although shopping at the gas station isn't really an option for me (I live in the NW ATL suburbs - our gas stations carry Boone's Farm).

I have a couple recommendations for the $6-$15 range:

1. Lindeman's Bin 70 2004 Chardonnay-Riesling: Not too sweet, with pleasant grassy notes. Smells like bee balm. Not acidic, and doesn't leave that scratchy thing on the back of your throat. Great buy.

2. Bodegas Muga Rioja Rose 2004
A really hard find right now, everyone seems to have discovered this one. I read about it in the LA Times, and found it at Sherlock's. A sommelier I met there starting gushing about it when he saw me carrying the bottle, and proceeded to follow me around the store. Yummy rose', not too sweet. They left enough skins in there to give it a pleasant fruity flavor, though. Reminds me of nectarines and cherries mixed.

3. Bogle Petite Syrah 2003
This is easily accessible and a great red. I haven't been drinking red lately because I want something chilled, but this one was a true addiction for a few months. Petite Syrah is way less complex on the palate than Pinot Noir, which is a little too high falutin for me. Bogle's 2003 has a lot going for it - deep cherry notes that aren't acidic. One sip fills the mouth pleasantly. Great buy.

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Suri Cruise Headline: 2030

Omigod. Read what Suri Cruise's headline will be in 2030, and tell me you didn't laugh. Courtesy of TVgasm.

http://www.tvgasm.com/archives/miscellaneous_tv/001984.php

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Wednesday, April 19, 2006

QUOTE

"The minute I stopped trying to find the right girl, and started trying tobecome the right guy...the girl came."--Jonathan Antin (1967- ), celebrity hairstylist, businessman.

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Saturday, April 15, 2006

AN EBAY EXPERIENCE: THE PICTORIAL ESSAY

I do like ebay a lot. Pretty soon you're going to see me on there, selling a bunch of stuff, and checking my auctions every 5 minutes from my laptop underneath my desk at work.

The other day I went on ebay to buy shoes for my birthday. I don't ever buy shoes anymore, because I've discovered my taste is too expensive to pay a mortgage. I clean the shoes I have and pray I win $500 on a GA scratch-off ticket.

Here are my excuses for my horrendous, absolutely disgusting ebay purchases:

My blood sugars are a mess.
Well, they are. I know you people are tired of hearing that but it's true. I have good days and bad. My Philly best friend says I need to make a goal of getting my blood sugars good for at least 6 months straight before I consider having babies. Lately, just a little stress does it. I haven't been working out, which doesn't help either.

I drank a bottle of wine the night before.
This actually might be a lie, so believe it for me and smile. I haven't had a full bottle on my own since that one night, ironing work clothes and watching Desperate Housewives, when I threw up. That was a sign, I think.

I was sleep deprived.
Now this actually may be true, I haven't been sleeping all that much. I can't help it. I'm a little high-strung.

I was hurriedly trying to make Ebay bids while my coworkers are arriving to work.
Absolutely true. Tell anyone and I swear I'll plead the fifth and start a rumor about your online porn addiction.

AND HERE ARE THE RESULTS! SEE BELOW!







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Prada sandals

stripper wedding shoes

Suede stripper shoes

AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, April 14, 2006

What's Your Innovation Savvy-Scale?

http://images.businessweek.com/ss/06/04/in_quiz/index_01.htm?campaign_id=rss_daily
"Take The Innovation Challenge!

Think you know what it takes to innovate? Here are 12 questions that could change your world view!"

"You scored 4 out of 12! Your boss should make you the new Chief Innovation Officer!"

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Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Birthdays are like Flowers. You never know what you're gonna get.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

From Astrodienst:

Holiday!
***
Happy birthday! Today the Sun returns to the position it was in when you were born.
As would seem appropriate with this transit, today is a day of new beginnings, and the influences you feel today will affect the entire year to come. However, this does not mean that the whole year will be disappointing if today doesn't work out exactly as planned. You are receiving a new impulse from the energy center within you, as symbolized by the Sun. Therefore any new venture that you start at this time will ride the crest of this new energy and will very likely come to an acceptable conclusion. Whatever you do or begin today will bear the stamp of your individuality more than anything else. This is the day to assert yourself anew.
The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:Sun Conjunction Sun exact at 10:31 activity period from 11 April 2006 to 13 April 2006.


BTW EVERYONE!
If you are having weird anxiety/issues/conflicts, there are completely valid astro reasons. Check out www.celestialweather.com this week. Trouble was abrewing, but it's getting better.

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Monday, April 10, 2006

Snewo's DNA - Ancestral Origins

Perhaps you've read about this. Recently IBM joined in a human genome project co-sponsored by National Geographic. IBM employees had the opportunity to have their DNA run and compared to other people all over the globe in an attempt to track our ancestral roots.

"Did you ever wonder about your most ancient ancestors? The Genographic Project will introduce you to them, and explain the genetic journeys that bond your personal lineage over tens of thousands of years."

My Dad, an IBM employee, had his run. My paternal roots stem from "Eurasian Adam" (who migrated to Saudi Arabia from Africa between 31,000 to 79,000 years ago) . "Some 90 to 95 percent of all non-Africans are descendants of the second great human migration out of Africa, which is defined by the market M89."

So here is the interesting part. According to "The Genographic Project", I come from a pretty rare group, called the M201 lineage, or haplogroup G.

"The M201 lieneage that defines an uncommon haplogroup called G, which is rarely present in population frequencies at greater than a few percent. Genealogists believe that this line of descent first appeared in northern India's Indus valley, on the M89 lineage, and subsequently dispersed during the past 10,000 to 20,000 years.

Currently, little else is known of haplogroup G's origin or history. Learning more about such unusual lineages is a primary goal of the Genographic Project"

Do you know what this means? All of my reincarnation dreams about being the true-life star of "The Kama Sutra" were real! I'm one of those sexy Indian people who naturally practice Tantra!!! No wonder my skin is so great, and I love opium! Woo Hoo!

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Sunday, April 09, 2006


Birthdays, Debeers, and Consumerism with a Conscience

Z gave me an early birthday present Friday night (like 6 days ahead of schedule, but who is counting?). He kept asking me, "Do you want to open your card?" and "Charky helped pick it out, I think you'll like it". I just thought he picked out a really cool birthday card. With a Great White Shark on it or something.

I'm a little dense sometimes.

Anyway, he gave me a pearl necklace and bracelet. I like pearls. They come from the ocean, just like me. Sometimes if I sniff them I can pretend I just dove down with my knife to wrestle with an oyster, narrowly avoiding a shark attack. Yes, I am a freak.

But the present was really touching. Z and I have tried to make birthdays a nonevent. We're usually too broke to do much, and birthday presents are usually really focused sex. Not that there is anything wrong with that. In fact, birthdays with Z around are among the best birthdays of all time.

He's a sweetie and I gave him big hugs and kisses. I'm making a concerted effort to feel pretty so I'm wearing a wife-beater and my favorite ripped aqua-colored fwoofy skirt that shows my belly button. I bet this would look better with pearls.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Z came back from pearl-buying talking about some humongous 2 carat diamond he wanted to buy and stick in his idea for an engagement ring. I was a little confuzzled. We already talked about engagement rings in depth, and kind of x-nayed the whole thing for a couple of reasons.

1) I don't wear rings, or much jewelry. I don't like the way it feels. Lately I've been wearing this turquoise strand that Z's momma gave me. It feels calming. And I have this thing for that color. Rings feel ultra restrictive, like I'm being bound. I don't like it. And I know you've heard that story about where the wedding ring came from, right? The cave girl running
away and all that?

2) I don't like diamonds. I don't care if they are my birthstone. To me, they look like little chips of ice. I have no interest. I don't really care if they're colored, either. Then they just look like little chips of ice dyed with Kool-Aid. Since childhood I've been frightfully jealous of my sister, whose birthstone is an emerald. My grandmother, who was also a lovely-Taurus- May baby, gave her gorgeous emerald jewelry. I'm stuck with
little chips of ice that are too expensive. Aaargh.

3) Debeers and the moral irresponsibility of diamond buying somewhat turn me off. I may not be very good at recycling, and I do have a minor fetish for leather, but I try to make my consumerism as socially conscious as possible. I don't shop at Walmart. I don't buy Mitsubishis, and I almost lost my catering job because I refused to cater to the Bank of Tokyo. I
don't use aerosol hairspray. I buy one water bottle a week and refill it. I don't wash my car because I think it's a deadly combination of vanity and excess water consumption.

So the idea of wearing a little chip of ice that I don't particularly like that has blood spilt all over it and binds me to my caveman Alpha male makes me a little nauseous.

I tried to tactfully explain this to Z, who seemed a little irrational due to his jewelry store experience. I think it was the 9-month pregnant salesgirl who helped him, who purportedly shelved her breasts on the jewelry counter while he was peering through the glass. He has this thing for pregnant women. I don't mind. But she knew what she was doing, that's for sure. His eyes light up like a kid in a candy store when pregnant women are around.

I didn't want to take all of his passion-filled ring buying steam out, but I did want to insert some realism into it. We had decided that having an engagement ring wasn't right for us. We're barely comfy with the idea of a wedding band. We've decided upon an eternity ring, because we like the continuity of the settings and they're much more zen looking on the hand.

If you don't mind, help him in the right direction. I tried to help him picture African atrocities by reminding him how much he hated "Hotel Rwanda".

Little chips of ice aren't worth it. And don't get me started on my Debeers-Rockefeller-Bush conspiracy theories.


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Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Fun with Springtime

I'm still suffering from information overload, so we're going to take it nice and slow with the Snewo updates.

Here goes.

1. We're moving Z's Momma!
Z, best friend cute-dwarf (think Legolas w/ that ugly dwarf Gimli's stature), and I are flying to Austin June 30th, and helping the momma move to C-Vegas! I'm so excited! I imagine lots of uncontrollable giggles, car-induced headaches and thanking my lucky stars I live in a place as progressive as C-Vegas (chortle, chortle) when we pass through Mississippi.

2. I got seeds!
Check out www.rareseeds.com, and tell me you didn't whip out the Visa and spend $50. I bought more herbs than I'll know what to do with, striped tomatoes, asian melons, "dragon-fire" stir-fry mix (mixed greens), specialty flat onions, huckleberries, echinacea, morning glories, tonga di paringi carrots, white cucumbers, blue poppies.....

So now I'm busy trying to clear the downhill acre of leaves that sits behind my house. Pretty soon I'm gonna get all butch and rent a rototiller...unless I can convince C-ex to drive a tractor for me when he comes in a month...

3. Wrestling shoes rock.
My man won't wear any shoes but wrestling shoes. I just thought he was weird and quirky when I met him, but his explanation later made a lot of sense. You see, wrestling shoes soles are really soft on the feet. Like moccasins. And I totally believe there are a few reasons that Z's skin looks as good as mine (13 year age difference, and I'm told I have great skin), he has no wrinkles, and his feet are as smooth as a baby's. He likes colored shoes - just like me - and I can live with that because the hottest men around when I began to ogle men where those sexy surfer/skater boys with colored vans or converse. Later it progressed to the vintage styled, colored Docs. I had a hunter green pair that were to die for. And don't get me started on my platform gold-glitter jellies from Neiman Marcus.

But I digress, like usual.

So we've been lazy, and wrestling shoes are expensive. Poor man hasn't had new shoes in forever and a day, and boy do I feel guilty about it. (He fell down a flight of stairs a few weeks ago because he doesn't have any tread, and it rained).

But I bid on a pair on ebay and I won! And those normally ridiculously expensive wrestling shoes - a plain, basic ugly pair are $70 - are on their way for $20! WE LOVE EBAY!

3. Smoking makes all the difference.
Yesterday I got home, holed up in the bathroom, and took a few tokes from Z's new stash. I then went outside and raked leaves on the hill of leaf-hell for an hour. Felt nice. A little out of tune, which unnerves me (control-freak), but sated. I didn't do my normal night-time anxious munching, either.
If I have to give up a few days of alcohol, I can live like that. Sunshine and a little pot seem to be a good combination. When you have a nice breeze going, you don't feel all overheated and lazy.
Summertime comes, and with 95+ weather, we may have to try something else out. Anyone have a recipe for marijuana-margaritas?



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Sunday, April 02, 2006