Friday, May 16, 2008

Job Hunting Round 4 Since Blog Inception

Ok. Breathe.

Completely bored and feel like my energy, talent, and motivation is slinking away. My employer lost its primary contract in April, so I now have until October to find another job. Everyone around here acts pretty glum, and the phone quit ringing last month. Needless to say, my work has dried up.

The good news is that I finish my last undergrad course next week – May 20th. The bad news is that I’ve yet to receive a phone call regarding my resume (The obligatory “Thanks for your response” emails don’t count). My work history makes me look like a schizophrenic, and my undergrad was received by an institution of questionable integrity. Perhaps a waste of $45K, we’ll see.

Anyway, if any of you know some new tools for job hunting I’d love the help. If you have any advice on how to explain my job-skipping (most of the time it was because I was going to lose my employment due to the company ceasing operations) I’d love that too.

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Wednesday, May 14, 2008

How Snewo Got Her Groove Back

I’ve been pushing this whole “oil production is at the beginning of the end” theory for years now. I once discussed Hubbert’s Theory and the end of gasoline. For great reading, check out Fortune’s profile of Richard Rainwater (http://money.cnn.com/magazines/fortune/fortune_archive/2005/12/26/8364646/) and Rainwater’s favorite website (www.lifeaftertheoilcrash.net/). George Bush has been using a geothermal unit for the heating/cooling of his Crawford, TX ranch – for years. Kind of interesting for the former President of a big oil company, dontcha think?

Anyway, Z bought me a fugly car for Christmas, and we finally got a legal tag for it last week. I began driving it on Monday.

Keep in mind, I was driving a 2-door Explorer with 270K miles, and getting around 10 miles/gallon. Really.

I’ll describe my new ugly car. It’s a maroon ’94 Nissan Sentra, with a big dent on the front and a big dent on the trunk (the driver’s side, of course). It appears as though the previous owner deliberately swerved to hit passing children or old ladies.

Did I mention the half-dollar sized spots throughout where the paint has chipped away?

The window tint is questionably legal, and only covers the four door windows and the back glass. The tint is bubbling up on the back glass, creating a strange trippy psychedelic poster-like feel.

The upholstery is light grey chamois feel stuff that has been rubbed to no tomorrow, and is irreparably stained.

I hope that is a pretty good job describing the appearance – now I’ll tell you how I feel about this car.

First, I could easily drive this thing everyday, and feel a sense of shame. The state of my financial affairs is grim to say the least; I’m about four steps away from declaring bankruptcy. I have these freaking bill collectors calling every hour – on the hour – even on Sunday.

This car sits in the very tiny parking lot at my workplace, and I can’t hide it. It certainly is the ugliest car there.

But boy does it drive. It reminds me of Z’s old Honda CRX, completely spare on the inside, lightweight, with a ton of zoom-zoom. It darts and handles curves and has a ton of get-go.

A couple of years ago, I would’ve totally x-nayed the idea of driving another little four-cylinder cradle of death. My accident on the way home in Aug. ’05 scared the shit out of me. I still don’t drive well in the rain – my heart starts pounding and my forehead feels clammy.

Driving this car, with my ass 17 inches off the pavement, makes me feel alive. I don’t know why. Somehow I feel unburdened.

The car is way ugly, and is a true testament to my financial well-being. But I feel defiantly poor again, and that is kind of nice. I kind of miss the days when we bought veggies from the local farmers, and ate meat-free dinners every other night because we couldn’t afford the meat. When I spent a lot of time sewing because it was cheap, easy, and unleashed my creative side. When an evening of entertainment meant a trip to the park with Charky. When I figured out how to weave my plastic grocery bags into doormats, and feel accomplished because I had created something durable, recycled, and blue. When $5 could buy me enough gas to tool over to my best friend’s house, Taco Bell, and a pack of smokes.

I may not drive this thing in the rain; we’re supposed to have significant downpours this evening so we’ll see how my commute home goes. However, I do know this:

A. When I drive that clunky Explorer, I’ll miss that feeling of being alive.

B. I still won’t get over getting 22 miles/gallon. It now costs $3.50 to get to work, where it was costing $8.

C. I feel like I can hide behind the assumptions that come from others when they view this little ugly car.

D. My go-go gadget superpowers went away a long, long time ago. Most people who knew me back in the day wonder how I became so boring and sedate. I was once spontaneous and the leader of misbehavior. This car makes me remember that free spirit, and I like it. I needed it.

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Thursday, May 08, 2008

Oh! Hello There Again!

Where have I been? Um.

I guess it’s a bit coincidental that I quit taking my mental medications around the time of my last post – November ’07. I weaned myself off of them for purely financial reasons – I was paying COBRA ($900 / month) and my insurance carrier decided that my meds would equal $400 / month. Jeez.

I had all decided that I didn’t need them…I”VE GOT MEDITATION!!!! Whoops.

So for the past three months I’ve been doing this living thing on a minute-to-minute basis, just trying to keep my head above water. Terribly afraid and confused because my head just doesn’t seem to get better and I don’t know when relief is coming.

Finally, a month or so ago, I lifted my nose out of the water and decided I needed to go back to the Head Doc and get some medication. I finally got my taxes back, and after a bunch of searching, I got an appointment for this Saturday with some new guy. (The old guy won’t accept my insurance – a major carrier, BTW).

Boy do I need it. For a while it seems I was able to just tell myself I was in a low spot and that I’d feel better in a few days when I hit my high again. Lately, though, these lows just seem never-ending.

I’m hunting for a good analogy here. Drowning or burning seems decent. You’re under water, holding your breath just to see how long you can do it. Your friend pops up for air, but you know you can hang in there and show them (!). Your chest feels like an anvil and you begin to sense this fireplace poker jabbed in your ribs…it burns gentle, then more fierce as each eternal second trickles by. Now it’s throbbing, and your breasts are shuddering slightly. You notice your shaking chest is in tune to the throbbing in your lungs. So you decide to pop your head above the water and gasp a nice, big long drink of air.

But you can’t. Something won’t let you. You struggle and spin for a way out – any way. Side to side, up, down. You’re locked in place. And the burning feels searing now. You just want it over and out because you know that in a few minutes, you will have decided that it wasn’t the worst pain you’ve ever felt – surely you’ve had worse.

That's the story of my life this minute. I'll try to update with details sometime soon.

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