ADMIT OR DENY? That is the question.

Do we admit our sexual transgressions to our partners?

Recently, a good friend got into a "open disclosure" type conversation with her husband, after discovering some of his (ahem) sexual tastes in online porn. After this conversation, his feelings were hurt. She had admitted to a few of her own sexual escapades that had occurred just prior to their wedding.

Having had been in this situation, I know how painful and awful this can be. Finding out your lover has kept their sexual history hidden from you can be heartbreaking. It is very hard not to make it a personal issue - "What is wrong with me? Where was I? Why did they want to do that?".

In truth, it is not meant to be personal. Everyone has an experience in their history where they did something really, really stupid just because they weren't thinking straight, whether animal instinct, drugs, alcohol, or the newfound hottie in the bar were leading the logic.

LIE OR HONESTY?
I have a friend who readily admits that she wholeheartedly believes in lying about her sexual past. She also believes in lying about her sexual present - she has had a number of affairs. As she puts it, why torture your partner that way? Why would you make them suffer, needlessly, for your own stupidity?

I seem to remember that both Cosmo, Stuff, and Blender have followed this train of thought - tis better to lie.

While this humanity on behalf of the sexual downtrodden is downright admirable, it is the plea of cowards. No matter how crappy your sexual liasion was, it is better to admit.

Here is why:

1. The basic explanation is disease. Say your woman finds out she has something, and she has been monogamous with you for years. Why would you want her to find out about her problem, and then internally ponder your assholehood for days, even months, until she finally blows up on you and calls you the asswipe you are?

2. I don't care who you are, I believe relationships are better when they are wholeheartedly honest. How can you ascribe to the wish for intimacy, when you only know half of your partner? When we fall in love, we fall for everything, including the yucky stuff. How are you supposed to say that you know your lover, when you have absolutely no clue that he picks up hookers after a night at the bar? As faint of heart as we may be, the truth will either make it or break it. It's much better to know than not to know. Trust me.

Example: You find out your man has a proclivity for live sex acts involving pregnant women and sodomy with large objects. Sometimes knowing what drives the animal inside is a pretty good indication of what kind of soulless monster you are sleeping with.

3. I hate the feeling of guilt. I am not sure how people live with themselves with that feeling. In all honesty, I think that it is a symptom of evil that people can so readily throw away all guilty feelings of their inner consciousness, and live with themselves after having had done something horrible.

Guilt only goes away with confession. And no, I'm not catholic. You can't earn forgiveness from yourself until you earn it from those you have trespassed against. Who wants to live with guilt? Screw that. Be strong, admit your faults, blame no one for your own assholedom, and hope that your lover has a kind enough spirit to forgive you. Only then can you start hoping that you will forgive yourself.

THAT's MY TAKE ON IT.

If you don't want to find your soulmate - the person who loves you for your smelly ass, your body odor, your sexual turnons and your character flaws in conjunction with the amazing, loving creature you are, then this advice isn't for you. I find that an eternal quest for sharing a life with someone in an honest way is ultimately more gratifying than a relationship built on falsehood, which is ultimately a life still spent alone.