Homecoming: Cardinal Rules of Communication

Some of you have a lot of work to do tomorrow so that your family doesn't end up hacked into pieces, thrown in a septic tank, and covered in lye.

Here are a few items that I tend to espouse when I am busy punditing on my soapbox. Let's try and get this right this year, people. Turkey carving can be a dangerous task.

"Cardinal Rules of Communication"

1. Agree on a time to talk when you won't be interuppted.

2. Only one person may speak at a time. Listen without interuppting. Restate the other person's message and any feelings behind it before you continue the discussion.

3. Bring up one problem at a time and stick to the subject.

4. Focus on the present. Don't bring up past history.

5. Express your feeling. Use "I" statements. Example: "I was hurt when you didn't call and say you would be late".

6. Be willing to compromise.

7. Don't hit or yell. Watch for blaming and labeling others-it will only put the other person on the defensive. Instead of saying that something was stupid, talk about what you didn't like or why the idea wouldn't work.

8. No one can read your mind; do not make assumptions that others, even those that know and love you, will always know what you mean. Remember, you can't read minds either, so don't assume how someone feels- ask.

9. Don't put the relationship on the line. Avoid the "do it or else" threats, it will only cause resentment. Don't ever say you'll do something if you're not willing to follow through.

10. If you find that either of you are getting angry, take a break. Set a time when you will finish the discussion.

11. Remember that all communication should be clear, direct, and specific.

12. Remember that the body talks also; be aware of facial expression, body position, muscle tone, breathing tempo and voice tone.

* Note: I am definitely not smart enough to have thought these up on my own. One of my psychology professors distributed this as a memo. As she was a real stickler with me about appropriately citing info, I felt it was a bit comic that her own information had no citation.



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