Britney, Britney, Britney. Or, "Pop Stars Who Behave Like Trailer Trash."

I put up with a lot from Britney.
- The Name Britney. That’s not how you spell Brittany, dammit. People
don’t usually have nice things to say about people who don’t check the
spelling on important things. Like your baby’s name. Don’t you dare
act like you didn’t have the money to buy a baby-name book, either. I
know Britney’s Daddy is one of those camo-wearin’, gun-totin
Louisianians who just aches for the day he can own a Brittany Spaniel
(http://www.gundogmag.com/gundog_breeds/brittany_0717/). So
you know how to spell it.

- Your first marriage. I don’t think it’s very nice to marry a childhood
friend/sweetheart, in Vegas, whilst dressed like a Panama City Beach
floozie. Even worse, you left him. Poor guy. Your moral compass may
be a bit off the "Spin The Bottle" wheel.

- Your Hair. As a natural blond, I have a real problem with any blond
imposter who gives us a bad name. And you do, Britney. You don’t
"speak very well". Nor do you dress very conservatively. Instead of
ruining it for the rest of us blonds, please dye your hair brunette and
STAY THAT WAY. Dammit.

Britney, lately you’ve been making it very difficult for me to exercise patience. My Momma always said, "Life is like a box of chocolates. Some are Scharffenberger and some are those nasty ol' Russell Stovers". I have to be nice to everyone, no matter their origins.

Unfortunately, Britney, this Jesus patience doesn't apply to Darwin Award-Winners. I just want to grab your nappy head, stick it under the faucet, and pour purple Kool-Aid on top. When done, I’ll grab Sean Preston and make a run for the local bio-testing facility, where they will eliminate the disastrous FederSpears genetic code you’ve bequeathed to your poor baby.

First, the whole Sharkie Discrimination Thing. (http://www.nationalledger.com/artman/publish/article_27267747.shtml) I actually think K-Fed may have won some props in little ol’ Crittersville when we found out that he likes Sharkies as much as us. You get rid of the sharks, feel free to send them and K-Fed to my house. We’ll put them up. For awhile, anyway. Damn you, Britney. Your kids could have been all scientific and shit. Knowledgeable about fishies. And like every other teenager, they would have wanted to become "Marine Biologists". In this case, they may have actually had a chance.

Besides, didn’t anyone tell your ignorant ass that Nurse Sharks are pretty tame? And they’re not white, dumbass. http://www.flmnh.ufl.edu/fish/Gallery/Descript/nurseshark/nurseshark.htm

Second, the whole "Unplanned / I’m too stupid to know how babies are made, y’all" pregnancy admission. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14381821/
It doesn’t "just kind of happen". You know exactly where you were when K-Fed put his ying-yang in your whoo-ha.

Besides, that just isn’t very nice. Who would want to grow up with flashbulbs popping in their face from Day 1, getting almost-dropped on their head, riding dangerously in tin-can Mini-Coopers, then later told, "It was all a mistake, y’all".

Shame on you, Britney. Go back to Looooouuisiana. Mebbe the next Hurricane will miss your trailer. Or not.



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