$$ Woes

Today I asked someone for some help financially, in a concise and professional manner. I admit that I have a real problem asking for help - whether it be money or just good old fashioned favor giving. I guess that is the martyr type in me or something, I don't want to bug anyone. I feel like I need the help. I have nightmares about money and my debt (which, when you put it in perspective, really isn't that awful) and I apparently cry in my sleep. I am an anxious bi$%&, that is for sure. The worst part is, I received mail the other day from my health insurance provider. They received a "claim" - my daughter going to the pediatrician for antibiotics - and for some reason, for the first time in over 18 months, they flagged it. They sent me this questionnaire that I have to answer within the next 45 days or her coverage will be dropped.

Basically, they want me to admit that her coverage is under the legal responsibility of someone else. That is the power of checking the box for "divorced" on your paperwork ( and, I have to humbly admit that I checked that "divorced" box out of pride. I was married. I didn't have her out of wedlock. I totally believe my place in the world might be better if I had). If she is court ordered to have her medical covered, they can drop her altogether. I just won't lie - I am absolutely terrified of any karma effects of my lying. On the other hand, I am so absolutely terrified of the implications if I do answer, "Yes, a court order is in effect that requires coverage from her father. No, he has never provided coverage, never will provide coverage, and is incapable of providing coverage."

I can't sue him for it, there isn't a point in trying to squeeze blood from a turnip. I am lucky enough that he pays me as often as he does ( 2x per year, max). I know that there is no point in sending him to jail, he would never, ever help me again.

So anyway, today I was accused of begging, and was told to "find a sugar daddy". I am feeling a little ballsy right now, because I am so angry and upset about the whole thing. I have four or five hours of work to do before bed, and I honestly just feel like curling up on the fetal position on my couch.

Not that I ever considered my ex-husband my sugar daddy while we were married, but he sure did. He always felt that I shouldn't work or etc., but yet would hold it against me that I stayed home. I never had the opportunity to go back to school during our marriage. I think that mostly had to do with the fact that I told him, during a fight about me wanting to work, that I was the more intelligent one in the pair, and my earning potential was vastly greater than his would ever be. He didn't like that very much. I admit I have a bit of a nasty mouth on me when I am provoked, but it was true, and he did deserve to hear the truth for being so darn evil.

All the Sugar Daddies I kept in play were prior to my marriage, and I never really saw them that way. I always felt superior because I never used sex as a weapon in the equation. It was more that men liked having me around as arm candy. As a young woman, who wouldn't adore the perks of that, when everyone else your age is having to fiddle around with broke "boys" (the under 30 set). Of course, that really only lasts so long before they want a piece. So then you gracefully explain that you are only a friend.

Anyway, I am feeling a bit ballsy right now because I am so angry and upset. I figured I would publish a speech I wrote below. I am pretty embarassed about it, I cried while giving it, but it is absolutely true. Cross my heart. I hope it explains why I will never, ever choose a man for money, or ride through this life with a man that does not love me.

Okay, after checking everything I own, I realize that I deleted the thing because it embarassed me so badly. Oh well. Sorry if I disappointed.

Good wishes to you all. Blessed Be.