Pre-nervous breakdown? Or just not enough coffee?

So here I am, sitting at home, on a perfectly beautiful, overcast Tuesday in February.

My stupid team at school has capitulated into this steaming heap of dung. One member whines more than my five year old, and I have really been trying to be caring and supportive, she is going through a rough time. She just moved here, she has a really awful job, and her husband up and decided to become an Atlanta PD officer. You would be whiny, too, I think. Unfortunately, the sound of her whining on the phone makes me want to tear my hair out.....isn't that called trichotillomania or something?

Another team member called to say she thinks she is withdrawing. You are only allowed two absences - everyone knows this. Last week she went to Mardi Gras, and took a week off to do this. I feel ya, girl, I would love to take a week off for Mardi Gras. (Not really, I prefer New Orleans in the Summer, when it is a bit quieter, a lot more humid, and there is no reason to wear clothing). Last night, she called me at 9 PM to say that the needy executive she works for has demanded her presence out of town for some conference. If she goes, she will have to withdraw. Again, I played consoling counselor - I honestly did feel bad for her at the time. Now, after having had stayed up until 2:30AM to get the work done that she was supposed to have completed, I feel a little stupid being so nice.

My third team member is a member of the smoothie-king club. I only know this because I date one of the founders. I love these men - we call them "fluff" (which apparently is also what gay men call them) who run around in this world, doing practically nothing. They usually lead dysfunctional lives of partying very hard and working excellent jobs, solely for the fact that they are usually ridiculously good looking and know how to smooth their way through any situation with aplomb. Anyway, my lovely team member works in a type of sales position, pretty high up the corporate ladder. He recently was promoted, among a huge internal rift, to a position that not only nearly doubles his salary, but has twice the amount of authority and stress. Now, instead of dealing with customers who purchase 100K worth of merchandise, he is negotiating with customers who purchase $1 million in merchandise.

I actually like smoothie-king a lot. We have quite a bit in common, and have both realized together that we need to stay away from eachother, as we have the same interests, vices, and proclivities. For example: One evening in class we elected someone to take off and go get us dinner. Of course, the chosen representative was smoothie king. He asked if I would like to go on a field trip, and I had to defer, as I knew that we would end up in some bar somewhere (or worse), and completely blow off class altogether. Smoothie King and I are just cut from the same mettle, I believe. He definitely works the room way better than I currently do, and I admire that. It is a true joy to watch.

Unfortunately, smoothie king is now attempting to smooth me over by "deferring to my expertise". Don't give me that bs, I know how you operate. I once operated the same way.

So I am stuck doing the work of five. I am exhausted, anxious, and just really, really tired. Last night my computer crashed twice (Zee says I just treat them badly, and that they can't possibly work as fast as I want them to) and lost my document twice in the process. I spent three hours typing the same damn paper, and I had four more papers to go.

The funny part is, I actually feel okay emotionally. I have been proceeding through my routine like some stoned monkey, and I really don't know why, I haven't been spurring my mindset with any additives. I am kind of afraid that it is the calm before the storm.

Last week, I cried in class while giving a presentation. Fortunately, it worked for the material, so I actually was asked if I knew how to do that (cry on command). I explained that I don't, and that was the reason I was never a huge success as a child actor ( I remember being asked to do it twice in auditions - I completely failed. I don't cry unless something really bothers me, and I just can't make something bother me.) I hope that I don't do that again. Talk about uncomfortable.

Many good wishes for me, please. I have this weird feeling I need it.