I want to know what the hell my coworkers are eating

The girls bathroom smells really bad, all the time. Whether it's sour broccoli or tanning oil or stale parmesan, I can't deal.

This just kind of reiterates my whole theory that I am a mutant. ( We were watching cartoons, and started playing the "Well you're not a mutant and I am and here is why" game.

- I'm not hairy, thank god. I might shave my legs 2x per month, and you can't tell. Itty bitty little blond hairs. My arms don't even look like they have any hair.

- I don't get acne, and I never have. About once a month, I sprout one pimple. It's a hormone thing.

- I'm not stinky. I'm a firm believer that most people wear too much cologne or perfume because they naturally smell really bad. I don't. I admit I get halitosis when my blood sugar is continuously high - it'll smell like grape juice - but that's it. Even my BO isn't all that apparent.

- I can weigh a ton and most people have absolutely no clue. I think it's a height thing, but it is also a butt thing. You see, the perfect booty requires every single perfect pound to create that singular, perfect arch. Somehow, I never gain any there so it doesn't get any fatter and the slope doesn't alter.

- I'm only a foot fetishist about my own feet. Feet are nasty, gross and repulsive. Look at your feet. Mentally cut off your toes, and imagine the stump. Weird looking, isn't it? Puts a whole new perspective on climbing Mt. Everest and losing toes, doesn't it? My feet are ridiculously pretty. I should be a foot model for Opi. I'm not kidding. Remind me to take a pic after my next pedicure and I'll hook y'all up. You'll become a Anywhere-But-Here foot fetishist also.

- My bellybutton doesn't get linty.

- I don't get ear wax. In fact, I don't think I have ever seen anything on the Q-tip. And I am religious about cleaning, trust me. I can tell you some earwax horror stories about my ex husband. What is it with men and earwax.

- I have really strong shoulders and soccer legs. My shoulders were useful for backstroke, and my legs were great for kicking field goals. I watched football with Z the other day and told him that the kickers were absolutely ridiculous. I have no compassion for someone who gets paid to kick the ball and can't do it.

- I'm genetically predisposed, on both sides, to look 30 when I am 50. Right now I'm in the family age phase of looking permanently 28 or so. It will last until I hit 42, then I'll look 30.

Next post: The icky things about being a mutant.