Dysfunctional Thanksgiving Dinners - A Top Ten List

Very apropos. The New York Times has an article today titled "Pass a Drumstick, and an Olive Branch", describing Thanksgiving Dinner horror stories. Face it - we avoid our family all year long, and then expect us to get together and be reasonable on a super charged family holiday. Recipe for disaster, I say.

So, in keeping with the theme "Dysfunctional Thanksgiving Dinners" I present this list.

SNEWO's TOP TEN DYSFUNCTIONAL THANKSGIVING DINNERS - A CLASSIC FAMILY COMEDY

10. In 2006, Snewo's family doesn't have the traditional Thanksgiving locale - her parent's house is still under construction. In keeping with her parent's snobby affectations, the family refuses to come to her house for dinner.

9. In 1988, Snewo's mother prepares food for a large AA club in upper Los Angeles. She spends 6 hours cooking over 75 lbs of mashed potatoes, serves the potatoes to the bikers (with a Martha Stewart smile) then hides in her bedroom for the rest of Thanksgiving Day.

8. In 1990, Snewo's family has Thanksgiving Dinner with Granny Goose. She prepares her famous seven-layer-bean-dip, overcooked turkey, and "dressing". Then proceeds to "sneak a peep" of vodka out of the cabinet under the kitchen sink. Drunken Granny ensures an exciting dinner, with plenty of foul language and bitching, whilst chainsmoking.

7. In 2004, Snewo, Older Dysfunctional Middle-Child Sister, and Mother proceed to get drunk prior to dinner. Whilst hiding the alcohol from Dad, and his AA member friends who have come to a "sober Thanksgiving dinner". Hilarity ensues.

6. Adding further to the antics of 2004, two guests have a heated discussion about the recent George Bush win. Ultra-liberal alcoholic eccentric in $4 thrift-store suit argues vehemently with conservative, devil's advocate playing Romanian/South Philly tough-guy turned hardwood floor installer. Thrift Store suit-wearing alcoholic disappears in a huff during dessert, and sqeeals the tires of his '82 Toyota down the hill of the silent suburbian subdivision. Drunken laughter from kitchen begins.

5. 1991 - Snewo's family in full-throttle of family dysfunction. Alcoholic, workaholic father in counseling with mother after cheating on her in a drunken haze. Rebellious middle-child sister at dinner after attempting suicide 2 weeks before. Brother recently signed up for the Navy to get himself out of this freaky family. Smallest Snewo child in midst of one of many childhood depressions. Family refuses to speak during dinner, except to comment on the turkey. Snewo begins firing spoonfuls of mashed potatoes at Big Brother, who grabs her, turns her upside down, and runs around the house with her feet in hand, swinging Snewo around. Snewo throws up Thanksgiving dinner.

4. 2000 - One of Charky's first Thanksgiving. Has already learned the word "NO". Refuses to eat anything except for 8 deviled eggs, which she neatly circles on her dinner plate. Eats every single one, then proceeds to run around the hardwood-floored house at top speed, yelling "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA".

3. 2001- One of the last Thanksgiving Dinners with Granny Goose. Snewo's then-husband, C, super-redneck man, proceeds to spend 5 minutes at the crystal/candlelit dinner table describing his love for booty. Granny tries to interrupt, and Husband asks, "You like booty, don't you Grandma?". Granny pauses. "Everyone likes booty, don't they?" Table erupts, people choking with laughter.

2. 2003 - Snewo, best friend, and current boyfriend, all strung-out on a three month long meth binge, attend Thanksgiving lunch at Snewo's best-friend's house, with Best Friend's little sister and boyfriend. Little Sister's boyfriend and Snewo's boyfriend were friends of 15 years, but are no longer speaking due to a meth-related argument. Sit silently, staring at eachother, across the dinner table. Meth-addled boyfriend on verge of violence every minute. Snewo and other meth addled attendants try hard to eat a real Southern Thanksgiving, where every food is mushed to a puree and baked in a casserole pan. Best friend's mother concerned because Snewo keeps pushing food around the plate and doesn't eat. Lots of cigarette breaks and meth-chatter keep the dinner nice and anxiety-filled.

1. 2003 - Snewo, best friend, and current boyfriend are also expected at Snewo's parents for 6 PM dinner. Best friend and current boyfriend are too meth-high to attend, and also sick from what they did eat at Thanksgiving lunch. Snewo, after snorting a few more lines, goes to dinner where mother is pissed off because she can't eat. Still. Snewo proceeds to get harangued for the next few years, and is no longer allowed to attend other people's Thanksgiving dinners, by order of the Mother.


That's it, people. I hope to add to the list soon. Have a great Thanksgiving, and remember - it's just dinner.



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