Egad

I'm not going to comment on the news, because I really haven't read or seen any news in over a month.

I'm not going to comment on any websites, because I haven't surfed the web in over a month.

I'm at a personal low, so I'm going to talk about that. If you aren't in the mood to hear it, piss off.

I've been unemployed for almost 2 months now. My shrink wants me to go see him every week, so I've been doing that. I've been trying to skip school as much as possible, so I've been semi-doing that. I've been working on wedding invitations, so I've been to the craft store three times.

It's too cold to walk, so I drive to Charky's school every day to pick her up (3 blocks,mind you. What a petro consumer I am).

Z has been receiving checks from the Gwinnett County Probation Office - the uninsured driver who hit him 3 1/2 years ago is finally paying his restitution to the victims. Z is owed $75K (or $3 million from the civil suit), so we've been really grateful that the now 22 year old kid is paying his debt. So when Z receives checks in the mail, he goes with me to the bank to deposit them.

But other than that, I don't leave the house. I'm miserable 90% of the time... kind of a crying, blue mess. My phone hasn't worked properly in over a month so I don't really get to talk to anyone. I just got a new phone - a blackberry - but I can't figure out how to make it work.

I'm scared. I can't seem to keep my composure as a functional human being while at home. I'm really unsure how I'm supposed to do it as a working adult - the breadwinner of this household. I can't even envision a real job now...every time I read job postings, complete with all of the work responsibilities, I get overwhelmed. I can't imagine having to concentrate that long on anything, particularly things that don't interest me personally. Because that is what a job is, right?

So I'm kind of lost, and don't know what to do with myself. I went back on the liquid starvation diet a few days ago after my endocrinologist made me cry. I hoped that eating better would help me emotionally. I've been doing yoga every day, with the same hopes.

But I'm just not seeing any dang results. I catch myself staring at the christmas tree...kind of fading out, looking at the lights. For what seems like hours. I wonder if I'm insane.

Shrink man says I'm supposed to think myself logically out of my depression. Remember that it's just a mood - it won't last. Remember that these are just temporary life circumstances - they won't last either. Sure doesn't feel that way, but those constant mantras do help.

My mind is so unstill - that stupid monkey mind - that I can't meditate, either. I try to get to that quiet place where the only thing I see is fuzzy gray, and the only thing I hear is my calm breath. And then the thoughts start smoldering on the surface...creeping into my quiet. What a failure I feel like. How I hastily took a chance, and because I was so desperate to get out of my old job, I accepted one that I knew wasn't right. How my money will run out soon, and other than waiting tables or working in a restaurant, I don't know what to do. How my daughter feels my angst, and is behaving accordingly...lying all the time. How unhappy my ex-husband makes me feel...he hasn't held a real job in nearly 3 years, and I haven't received child support in almost 18 months.

Sorry to vent. I have a blog reader who apparently checks up on me... I once posted to her blog, trying to tell her I worried about the desperate tone of her own blog postings. I feel guilty falling into such a depressed hole - it almost felt like she expected me to be riding on higher sails, since I pulled such a condescending tone with her. I don't want to not meet expectations. I'm the bubbly, bouncing one, right?

Where am I? Where am I going?



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