Kitchen Witch

So for the first time in a while, my house is the designated congregation for Xmas rowdiness. The agenda is this: Wake at 6ish to the sounds of my five year old and Zee's 3 year old waking and going nuts at the Xmas tree. Ex-husband and wife to arrive 30 minutes later like usual. Open all of Zee's little boy's trucks ( He said he wanted trucks, so we bought about 70) and girlie's goofy toys from her dad. Hesitantly open my ex's presents for me. I really can't be that scared, last year he bought me a jean jacket and I was okay with it, but he did buy it at the Harley shop while he stopped to drool over the hog he wants. I can't really wear it out much because I feel like a biker redneck, but it is nice for going to the gas station in my pjs.

At about 9:30 we will kick everyone out and take Zee's little boy back to his crazy ex. I don't really want to go but if I don't it will turn into a 45 minute crying jag on her behalf about how much she loves him and how thankful she is that he is healthy and well and how she bought a ridiculously large red and green teddy complete with boas across the breast, and how she will be happy to show it to him.

Go to my parents, they seem thankful for the first time that xmas isn't beginning at their house. Last year 10 people crashed at their place on xmas eve, and it turned into a 1 AM slosh session. My sister had a pitcher of margaritas hidden under her bed, and we kept going back into her bedroom for refills. We went through that pretty fast, and then she broke out the bottle of Jose hidden in her jacket pocket. Needless to say, that xmas was a day of headaches and bitchiness.

So I didn't buy my ex anything last year, and I had to this year. I googled "tacky present", and then tried to froogle "kitsch tacky" and I honestly didn't find anything. Found out that the season 1 of "The Dukes of Hazzard" is at Target, but didn't feel he was worthy of a $40 present. Couldn't really think of anything for his new wife either.... I like her a lot, she seems okay, but beyond truckin around in her wheelchair and nearly running people over, along with her incessant pill popping, I don't know what she needs. I suggested little colored, noisy spokes for her wheelchair wheels, like I had on my bike as a kid, but Zee said that was mean. He suggested a special box for her insane stash of pills, but I said that was a little rude also.

After hunting and searching I bought my ex this leather box he can put all kinds of contraband in. Am stuffing it with his favorite candy. Bought her a birdhouse that looks like an angel - she collects them.

I was in the kitchen making my grocery list for this weird week when I glanced up above my oven. I have a little witch that my parent's brought me from Switzerland hanging there. She is really scary looking, and I love that. Most halloween crap made in America isn't scary enough. I have stuck Zee and my old wedding bands on her legs. I call her my divorce witch. I didn't know what to do with our old bands - it didn't seem fitting to hock them; my pagan friend's advice to bury them or throw them in a river didn't seem evil enough. So they hang there on her legs like some token of her rampage. Zee hasn't really noticed that his is there, but he will (HA!). I thought she was nice in the kitchen because Zee says I am a kitchen witch.

Wondered if my ex would troop around my house and see it. Cee (that is his name now) isn't very detail-oriented - I think he pops more of his wife's drugs than she does - but that might make him feel weird. I guess we will just see.