What I Learned in the Loony Bin

1. Very few people in the loony bin struck me as unusual or abnormal. For the most part, they behaved like everyone else walking the streets. I figure the difference is that the loony bin patients got caught for their eclectic behaviors.

2. Restraining how often I can smoke makes me want to smoke more. We were allowed to go outside every 2 ½ hours or so. I had nicotine fits all day long.

3. Ativan rocks.

4. Ambien rocks.

5. Being on "suicide watch" sucks. Having a nurse come check on you every 15 minutes makes you feel like you are in jail. Every time I passed out, a voice came over the loudspeaker requesting a response from me to let them know I wasn’t in trouble. It reminded me of when I was a toddler, and my mother would let me roam around the house while she cleaned. She would yell, "DOOOIINNNGGGG?!?!?!?!" until I yelled back some appropriate response, while I colored on the walls or raided my sister’s sticker book.

6. Despite all of the long periods in between usage, I am an addict and an alcoholic. Even when I’m not using, my mental framework still behaves like an addict. Whether it’s cocaine, meth, opium, methadone, PCP, LSD, or Vodka, I still crave something to alter my mental state. All the time. I now know that I am not a recreational imbiber. I go all the way, baby.

7. Going to A.A. meetings is good for me. And I really do think that. It feels right. I haven’t been to church in forever – where I felt that certain sense of inner calm come over me. A.A. meetings do that.

8. I suffer from "Major Depressive Episodes". The disease was genetically given to me like some kind of evil parting gift from my forebears. I’m glad I live when I do – I’m sure if I had been around in the early 20th century they would have administered shock treatments or a lobotomy to fix me. Now I just take my happy pills and pray a whole lot.

9. Speaking of which, I’m trying to gather my spiritual side together and make a list of "Who I Think God Is". I haven’t really thought about it in a long time. Any suggestions or help from y’all would be great.

10. Being schizophrenic has it’s upside. I met this lady who, despite all the anti-psychotic meds she takes – still sees fireflies and grasshoppers jump across her line of vision. She said that she paints them, and that they are really beautiful. I asked if she chases them, and she said that she only does so when she needs to exercise. She also said she usually doesn’t bother to leave the house because she is so entertained by her constant "Bug Trip". How cool is that.

11. Overdosing on pills sucks. I met all these people who had their stomachs pumped or were filled with charcoal through an IV. Kids, no matter how tolerant you are to your painkillers it isn't a good idea to take 20 SOMAs in one day.

12. I'm pretty fastidious about cleanliness, and I get the impression that it's more than normal. I may have to discuss it in the future.

13. Indian M.D.s are the coolest Doctors around. They're mad smart, they talk as fast as I do, and they are constantly thinking. Just a general observation. Now all three of my Doctors are Indian. Oh, and they're visually appealing, too.

14. Hospital food sucks. But you knew that already.

15. I met a lot of people who looked much older than their age. Mental illness and addiction makes you look old. I need to work on it quick. I met a lady who was 47, and looked older than my 67 year old Grandmother.







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