Gee. I’m a Schmuck.

My day was progressing as negatively as usual – I somehow was beginning to feel like that tree that falls down in the middle of the forest (Does anyone hear it?).

Then I received this email. I’ve removed some of the names out of discretion. However, it is important to note that the letter brought tears to my eyes. I haven’t received something this wonderful in a long time.

When people spend a minute and write out the words that come from their deep, tender places, this writing can change the world. I promise you. I don’t know of much else that makes my skin tingle, my heart hurt, my eyes tear….like the written word.

Also, I need to add that I am feeling a little, well, CAUGHT. I’m starting to realize that my words here are read by those I write about. I told someone today that I wouldn’t help him unless I was allowed to use him as a character in my book. That’s about where this blog is going. I am having a hard time talking about what assholes you people are – how your stupidity makes me laugh. THAT’S THE BEST FREAKING PART, PEOPLE. You don’t want to hear how much I love all of you, or how happy I am, or how amazing my sex life is. TELL THE TRUTH. YOU WANT THE DIRT.

I got a whiff of this last week, when a friend called me in the morning around 9 AM, just after my second morning cup of coffee and fifth morning shot of vodka. I had already blogged that morning, and I was actually bearing down to do some pseudo-work (web-surfing). He cautiously began the conversation…."Uh..hey…how are you?". It was then that I realized he was preparing for the absolute disaster that he reads about in my blog pages but I masterfully hide in real life. OUCH. That day I set up a new blog under a title I liked. I haven’t actually used it yet, but I may have to go more anonymous in the future. I’ll give y’all little updates, like Christmas cards from long-lost relatives.
Long story short. Here’s the letter that really took my breath away. I’m sorry. I’m in a pretty selfish black mood - I don’t readily recognize that I’m loved right now.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(From the terribly misrepresented Naa from prior posts)

" Dearest Lady L,

You're right of course, and I'm sorry love.

I lost my way, allowed my anger to predominate my rational course of thinking and followed the same path as Rodney showered me with his rash ramblings.

I've thought of sending an apology letter -- but given the relatively short time span since I first sent that blistering, angry email to Rodney, I perhaps should wait for his emotions to settle in the next few days.

My own emotions are simmering down some -- I've been listening to ambient reiki music, as well as some very celtic music on my pc today - while doing something you may not have expected me to be doing -- 'reading your blogs. whoops! LOL ;-)

I even traveled a bit further back in your blogs, to October 2005, to see how much I impacted or added too much drama into your otherwise, busy life when my friend Jon passed & you offered your shoulder for me to cry upon.

For that, Lady L, I am forever grateful towards you for doing - you were my Angel when I 'most needed you during that very trying period of my life.

Incidentally, I noticed that you used "Naa" , as the name you referenced my name with - I suppose, to protect my identity or anonymity - from Jxxxx Kxxx's eyes - should he have chosen to read your blog web site at some point.

I appreciate that also- though, Jon was 22 years old - your blog said he was 28 & died in Midtown - it was in Lawrenceville actually - but that stuff is immaterial at this point - just thought I'd share those facts with you.

Jon Kyle's spirit came to me again last night - the 2nd time in the past 3 weeks, to speak to me - to comfort me I guess, to help me feel better about my life's direction I am traveling towards presently.

* half cries @ the moment - a bit choked up at the thought of all of this *

I miss him soooo much at times L. Losing someone to a suicide, has to be the single-most challenging & difficult loss for someone to go through or endure - I can only try to begin to imagine how tough this has been for Jon's parents & 2 surviving younger brothers, of whom loved him very much & were very close to him.

I know now, that Jon's spirit has crossed into Summerlands - and that, he's found an inner-peace with himself, that perhaps his bright spirit never fully found while living within a physical body in this incarnation.

I've always sensed in the strongest sense, that you, Lady L - have a distinct, strong spirit -- and that your life & work you do here in this incarnation are of a very, vital importance.

I realize, that you feel stretched thin at times, and that perhaps you feel under-appreciated from the many extended family members and friends that call upon your ears & guidance - but like my own gifts of spirit in this incarnation - you 'must know, that you weren't given these gifts to allow them to dwell within you idle - they were given to you for a far, greater purpose - so that somehow, you could be a 'Torch Bearer of sorts....and help people find their way a bit more easily in their daily lives.

I've always admired this noble spirit of yours for as long as I can remember- since I met you those many years ago now - in Midtown Atlanta...and though, your own life ( and my own ), has changed dramatically since that time -- your sweet spirit has remained the same - your caring heart, and wise soul - has remained the same.

It is this wise soul of yours, that people are attracted towards & seek out - like me in similar ways -- but even as I, myself, am slowly learning too, we have to be 'true to ourselves first & foremost & safeguard our own energy reserves from these high maintenance personalities periodically.

Rest assured, Lady L - you are a special soul -- perhaps, your rewards, like my own - aren't as grandiose as either one of us would like for them to be.... but I believe, the wonders of the Creator/Creatrix works in perhaps a more mundane way -- our blessings/rewards for giving of ourselves are right in front of us all of the time - the laughter of your daughter, Charlotte as she's playing.... or the twinkle in Z's eyes when he see's you after he gets in from work - that is LOVE -- and that is perhaps the single, best reward any of us could ask for in return I firmly believe.

Just be good to yourself Lady L - as much as humanly possible - where/when possible - I realize, you have your own daily challenges with your health and at times, you feel overwhelmed - but please realize that you're still "here" for a reason - your work isn't done, and your spirit is needed more so on the physical plane right now, than in the upper astral realms.

I remember a quote, my other Scorpio friend that passed from this 'world into the next, last year, Betty McKnight ( an Episcopalian Mystic/Franciscan Episcopalian/Sioux Native American Spiritualist ), once told me many years ago........and that is:

"The best healers, are those that are somehow afflicted themselves."

I am not sure if this was Ms. Betty's quote, or perhaps one she obtained from her massive library of books within her home.

However, when I am feeling tired and perhaps unworthy of these robes & roles other people visualize me leading their lives within as both counselor, shrink, and social worker, etc -- I think back to that quote she gave me back in 1992 -- it was empowering then - and it is today, as well. :-)

Ms. Betty incidentally, passed in March of last year at the ripe 'ol age of 77, due to complications with cervical cancer - she was a wonderful soul, bright, brilliant, aeons ahead of her generation, and a caring person that touched my life very deeply.

A similar light as Ms. Betty had - resides within you, Lady L.

As to where I go from the present plateau with Rodney?

Quite honestly, I am not sure.

I will pray & meditate further on this, before I make anymore decision to send an impulsive email to him -- and perhaps in a day or two - my thoughts will be more clear as to where I will proceed with him.

I love you Lady L - YOU ROCK!! :-)



)O( With the greatest admiration & loving light,
your friend I remain,
Rev. Naa,
Universal Life Church pastoral counselor

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 2.5 License.