APRIL AS$%OLE

Well, here we are, almost in May, and I have failed to live up to my commitments and nominate our AS&%OLE of the month.

This month, I truly have discovered the inner dark side of one emotionally vapid creature. As it would be too easy to nominate him, I think we will have a category of people for our AS&$OLE of the month feature:

The miserable mother-fu&$ers walking this earth without a grain of empathy.
(TA-DAH! Where is the tiara?)

For all of you miserable ego-centrics out there, your winning prize is a shack in Ensenada. No money, cell phones, television, running water, power or internet connections (and I think the most local Starbucks is a good 120 miles away, in San Diego). May you learn humility from the starving boys in the streets, who beg from tourists in exchange for chiclets.

You, as a despicable class of human beings, deserve this nomination for a number of reasons.

First, you are so wrapped up in your own worthless existence you cannot recognize others - they might as well be wallpaper.

Second, your inability to fully focus on what others are saying, usually because you are busy with your internal grocery list, is truly an exemplary lack of enlightenment. Darwin Awards called, they are still missing your anecdote.

Third, you have no cognizant clue how absolutely moronic you seem. When you repeat things that others said immediately before, and don't even realize you did it, that makes you an idiot. When you insist upon repeating sentences over and over, in different verbiage every time, that makes you an idiot. When you recite thoughts straight from some book, without any intelligent analysis of your own, that makes you an idiot. When you fail to recognize that others are having a conversation, and jump in there with some moronic new topic of discussion, that definitely puts you in the moronic category. When you act as though you are listening, and proceed to repeat the same thing you said 5 minutes ago, even though someone just refuted your entire premise, that makes you an imbecile.

What is it, exactly? A lack of loving parents? A long period of time without sufficient orgasm? Too much refined sugar? A need for a stay in an ashram?

Several different types of sociopaths, along with a few different nervous disorders are plagued by this symptom - a lack of focus on anything except what is in your own head.

I prescribe a cure of the stay in Ensenada above, along with some true experiences with dysfunction or violence. Although you may be creating a serial killer, what could make one such as this cognizant of the world outside? Wouldn't a year career as the whore on a street corner do the trick? How about life for a few years as a quadriplegic, like in My Left Foot?