So I haven't blogged in over 3 weeks. Not my fault - didn't bother to set aside time to download my picture driver for blogger. Somehow, writing without being able to post my pics seems useless.

What have I been up to? Not sure where the universe is right now, but I have been met with lots of funny little surprises lately.

My dorkass ex husband is actually turning into a good guy. On Sunday, (Mother's Day) I was surreptitiously thinking about the last time we fought. He had told me how upset it made him for us to fight about such stupid, petty crap. I was thinking, "well he actually turned out to have a heart. We really were much better when we were just friends (well, Fu&$-buddies...neither he or I were interested in anything serious, just wanted the sex part taken care of). While I am pondering this, my phone rings. Cee called to wish me "Happy Mother's Day". How sweet is that? Normal exes, like zee, hate eachother, and don't bother to acknowledge the other parent's incredible parenting skills. Cee was nice enough to really mean it.

Then today I get home from a long, long day. Baby girl was put into time out at pre-k because she used the "F" Bomb. I walk through the door, and there, next to the couch, is a big bouquet of flowers from Cee, wishing me "Happy Mother's Day" again.

I told Zee that I had received flowers more this year than I think I ever have. Even when I was doing stage fulltime I don't remember this kind of gift giving. Zee said that more people really like me than I will ever know. I told him that was absolutely silly, no one really knows what an incredible bitch I am. Zee said, " I know, but you have a certain way of being a bitch in a real way. You aren't so delusional that you don't realize when you are wrong. You apologize well, and show love when you know people need it."

Wow. That is sure lovey. YAY! Hug you all.

On the starvation diet front:

Starvation diet officially begins May 29th. Wish me luck. I have a feeling this is going to be one crazy ride. I have no idea how it is going to feel giving up solid food for 6 months. I am not afraid, and I don't have a problem envisioning the amount of willpower I am going to need. My problem is envisioning the self I think I may become.

I have become so used to not feeling part of my physical self, that the idea that I might return to my own mental picture of me is kind of confusing. Habits are long processes that develop over time. I figure I have spent the past 6 years avoiding mirrors, cameras, and clothing. It seems scary to think that I will soon be able to look in the mirror and see the "me" that is in my head.

There has been something truly empowering about no longer considering your physical being with vanity. I learned a long time ago that I had to only think about the me inside my head, not what was presented to the world. I think that was the only mechanism I had for coping. I couldn't face the reality that I was absolutely helpless and out of control with my body, after having been something totally different (very beautiful and very vain).

Anyway, the empowerment came from the simplicity. I had so many things to push that came from a deeper place inside - my thoughts, my creativity...I wasn't burdened by the feelings of insecurity or vanity that plague others. I simply did not think of that physical side at all. After all, the physical body that others saw wasn't really me - it was some grotesque karmic plot from the universe. I truly believe that I was given this challenge as a lesson.

We are meant to appreciate what we are given, but when we begin to be absorbed with our gifts, they are no longer gifts. They are burdens. We cannot love wholly or completely when we are so inanely placed in such a banal place. Our physical being is the part that doesn't go anywhere when we die- it is the goofy, temporary sphere our soul resides in.

I keep reminding myself that the moment I forget this lesson learned, my world will crash upon me again. I cannot afford to judge - either myself or others. My lesson was this also: you have absolutely no idea how amazingly beautiful that soul is in the body next to you. May not appear to be much, but the person within has love, and grace, and humility. I think Cee taught me that also. What you see absolutely does not reflect what resides within. I always mistakenly thought that people who were not physically blessed had character flaws. Evil thought, really. I guess when you come from a family of intensely beautiful people you may be more prone to such pathetic vanity.

So wish me happy thoughts, please. I promise to be a better person. I cannot afford to go through the rest of my life in either bad place: The first, being a vain, soulless creature. The second, being lost in some abyss where the physical body has no presence.