Monday Mind Muddling with a Desperate Egoist

I'm craving intimacy. Awareness. Someone who understands how I tick and wants to hold my hand. I'm not usually needy, but I know when I do need.

I'm supposed to focus on my five strengths when I'm unhappy or afraid. Taking one of these strengths, I should analyze how I have used it in the recent past to better my life.

Yesterday I went through this very unsettling state of self-loathing, brought about by a pivotal event of awareness. Reality. The state of affairs in my life and in others. I have a hard time understanding who I am as a culmination of the past ten years. My preference is to self-actualize my life in 1996. All events since then I recall in a negative light. This faulty self-actualization actually poses a lot of problems for me. I am stunned when I glimpse myself in the mirror - who is that person? In the early morning, before I wake my daughter, I watch her breathe deeply with that goldfishy open/shut mouth thing going on. I can't believe I'm a mother. A mother who doesn't particularly like children. In 1996 kids amazed me inspired me set me feeling alive.

So in trying to understand the relationships I've created - whether based in reality or not - I just came to an eye-opening conclusion. You see, my #2 strength, according to the 5 signature strengths test http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/ is:

Appreciation for Excellence and Beauty

And in this moment of clarity that sure does mean a lot to me.

You see, I was trying to figure out this relationship from the past. It was confused and nebulous and meant a lot while only meaning very little. Like a lot of relationships, I suppose. Sometimes when you are with someone you have these lucid glimpses of them...their "soul" I guess you'd call it. When you see this organic focused vision of a person's true identity, it usually lends itself to either absolutely hating that person or absolutely craving more of them. The latter is the kind of relationship I describe. Little words, not much depth or time spent, but enough quick little glimpses of soul to render me in a dumbfounded state. Unable to do anything else but hope to see more glimpses.

I think people make the mistake of calling these glimpses a "connection". Because they aren't. Not really. I'm sure if you take enough of these glimpses added together, and they are two-sided, then that means a connection. Like a cat staring in the mirror absolutely enamored of that other beautiful kitty staring back.

It has been my misfortune that I get these visions of people pretty regularly. Sometimes they are awful - a true testament of the ugliness that can reside within. In those cases I usually avoid that person or shut myself off somewhat.

When they are amazing visions I'm screwed. I'm usually so incredibly amazed at what I'm witnessing that I crave more immediately. I can hold out, knowing that accumulating more of these identifying experiences takes time. And people usually freak when you dig your heels in and demand time.

It's my discovery that I fall in love too easily and much for the wrong reasons. It seems that my #2 strength,

Appreciation for Excellence and Beauty

doesn't exactly make me a genius. I get a glimpse of someone's innate character strengths, abilities, or potential for the above. When this experience truly reveals someone's amazing talents or beautiful nature....I'm screwed. Enamored. Realize that my own talents are normal and meaningless in comparison. And somehow I've seen this person at their best, usually before a lot of other people have caught on, too. Mine. I can collect them like art, these individuals with their potential, and be a paparazzi-like eyewitness: there to see the entire creative process from beginning to end.

Digging even deeper into this weird semi-psychic aura-reading appreciation for unnatural talent, I realize that most of the people I have established deep bonds with fall under this in some way shape or form.

My Best Friend: Not only can she sing, and send shivers down my spine, but she can play piano, which I figured out a long time ago I'll never be able to do. But I don't think these human-crafted talents were what drew me to her. I saw this generous, warm person willing to hug me, kiss my forehead, and shower affection and adoration on me. It isn't often you meet someone like that who can give you that kind of love when you need it. Because at one time or another, we're all scared little puppies in the rain (or at an away-football game 10 miles from home).

My Man Z: There is only one other time in my life that I've met a man as sensitive as I am, wearing their heart on their sleeve. The other guy allowed this sensitivity to permeate so deep within he's effeminate, and is now self-actualizing being gay because he was always told he was. Z is different. The effeminate parts are hidden. In fact, quite often he comes off growly. Grizzled old man. But there is something there so touching and sweet and little-boy like...vulnerable. Willing to understand my ever-increasing list of character faults and vulnerabilities because he's fully aware of his own. The fact that Z can share that sensitivity with so many people - close friends and family - renders him excellent in my eyes. Most would be too afraid to show that tender fragile side that gets hurt quite easily. I was always intrigued what it would be like to have my sensitive empathic part combine with his equally sensitive empathic part. And now I know. We do maximize these traits to the fullest together, which could be considered a vulnerable liability on its own. Somehow I think others are inspired by it, though. The fact that we didn't run from finding our doppelganger counter.

And so on. The seemingly effortless scholar, who realized my intense fascination and made me his booty call for almost two years. The alterna-athlete, who at one time ranked among the world's best in BMX-style biking, wearing his baggy droopy shorts and all. The artist, who could sing like James Brown while sketching an album cover of Seal in chalks and pencils while rolling a fancy, "french-style" joint.

You see, maybe there is some worth to this whole

Appreciation for Excellence and Beauty

crap. I discover these unique people, almost like a talent scout. I just have to learn how to say no. How to tell when I'm being abused. How to take a step back when I do what I do: vacillate and hedge and refuse to make decisions.

I'll put together another scrapbook soon, a la Janice Dickenson's Modeling Agency cover shot book. And I'll let you know about the new members, and their incredibly unique talents.

Just wish me luck. I don't want to be hurt so easily because I'm weak.



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