Snewo's Absence from the Blogosphere

So obviously I've been incredibly busy. To you devoted readers, I apologize for my absence - in truth, my brain is absent, also.

You see, for the past month or so - since before the wedding, I've really been struggling with my highs and lows. (See my post from August 31, 2006). They're pretty stinking awful. I do have a number of situational issues that could provoke my longer-lasting depression, but overall, it feels like this unconquerable mood - a shadow covering my personality and psyche - that just won't go away. I hide in bed a lot, and have been coming home from work and just sleeping or reading. I've fallen behind in school, and am not feeling real on top of my studies. I'm a mess.

Being married to Z is a dream come true, I swear. He puts up with my mood swings and talks me through them...I couldn't have asked for a more sympathetic, in-touch-with-my-true-soul mate.

The last week has been a bit better - I feel more even. I had started seeing this Psychiatrist (the drug-prescribing nutty doctor) in Crittersville so I wouldn't have to take off work in Canton and drive to the old druggie shrink in Rome. This new guy is awesome - one of those incredibly smart people who talks fast and knows a whole bunch about a plethora of subjects. A West Point grad, and a Psychiatrist for the military during several war campaigns. He made me feel a lot better about my mental illness - he explained that the military and the government actually seek out persons with bipolar disorder, as we have this weird uncanny ability to read people...one of my talents. Talk about inspiring me to go for my doctorate in psychology and really start working in the field of my passion - psychotic serial killers.

I know, seems bizarre, but I totally have an interest in this shit. I have read and studied about every book written about criminal profiling and noted serial killers, and the behaviors common about them.

But enough about my future plans.
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Work is amazing, but I'm in a real dilemma. I recently got med insurance for the family through work, and now my net income for the year is about 16K....about a third of my former net. While this is positive from a tax standpoint come Feb. 2008, I am not quite used to the idea of struggling so hard to make ends meet.

But what do I do? I have the opportunity to take another job that relies upon my research skills from the insurance company. I'd be researching DOL and HR issues, and summarizing them for the executives.

I'm really stuck in a hard place because I love my job. I love what I'm learning - business development, HTML, java and Photoshop and Illustrator. It's not exactly in my long-term career plan, but it's definitely a job that will keep me from going nuts..very entreuprenurial in spirit, and I work independently and make strategic decisions based on analysis as the sole manager of ops.

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Second, I'm coming up on my 1st birthday from alcohol and the loony bin. And it sure is hard. When I'm depressed, all I really want to do is medicate the hurt away. I finally got a sponsor - the coolest chick of all time, wilder than me, just older - and I'm working on my 5th step (admitting all of my transgressions and character defects. But somehow I've lost my ability to shut down my mind and just meditate. The quiet isn't coming.

Dad gave me a copy of his "Intro to Meditation" CD by Alan Watts. I really wanted to download it to my IPod and listen to it on my walks at lunch every day. But my stinking IPod broke.

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I know I'm a mess because I've lost 22 lbs and I have no interest in cooking or food. Totally unlike me. At this rate, I may finally look like my own ideation of Snewo by Christmas.

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I miss my best friend terribly, and wish she lived across the street like we had always planned. We could drink tea after work and bitch. I need a hug from her badly, and she's so far away it makes me more sad.

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On a more positive note, I'm learning web page design pretty quickly, and I'll hopefully begin to change my ugly blog template pretty soon. YAY! I've been really busy at work - creating blogs and creating memberships with forums and etc. But hopefully with this new firefox plugin I'll have a beautiful Anywhere But Here blog soon.

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Resentful at my friend who skipped my wedding, and hasn't talked to me since. Wondering if she doesn't care, and is unhappy with me or my decision to marry Z.

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That's all for now. I have a bunch of non-Snewo stuff in a folder in my yahoo! email account to blog about, I just don't seem to have any more time.

Happy Independence Day! Thank God we can soon change our political criminals in power. We watched an Obama town hall meeting last night, and I totally saw a lot of JFK in him. He may just make me a true-believer (If you haven't seen Wag the Dog it's a must-see).









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