Thursday, August 31, 2006

Snewo's Selective Pop Culture Addiction - Or, How Z can't stand the Bravo network

OOoommph. I think I just had a secret orgasm whilst sitting @ work, surfing the web.

Andy Cohen is "Bravo's Vice President of Production and Programming - and resident 'Pop Culture Pundit'".He has a blog located here: http://www.bravotv.com/blog/andysblog/bio.html.

Andy does a blog bit called "10 Questions With"....and interviews Nina Garcia, Tom Colicchio, Sommelier Stephen, Jackie Warner, Chef Harold, Ricki Lake, Kathy Griffin, Katie Lee Joel, Sandra Bernhardt, Daniel Volosovic......HERE! http://www.bravotv.com/blog/andysblog/10_questions_with/

I found Andy Cohen when I read a very funny interview he did with Ralph Fiennes about Project Runway. Apparently Andy and Ralph are friends, and Andy wanted to interview Ralph for his blog. Instead, Ralph insisted that he would interview Andy because he wanted to discuss his favorite TV show. (GASP! How much more sexy can a metrosexual get ! He loves Project Runway!!!!!!!!!!!)

http://www.bravotv.com/blog/andysblog/2006/08/ralph_fiennes_interviews_andy_about_runway.php?page=1

For those of you who haven't caught onto the Bravo addiction, I don't know who you people are. That's all we watch in the Snewo crizzib anymore. "Work Out" "America's Top Chef" "Project Runway" "The Real OC Housewives"........

I can't possibly explain how happy I am that Andy Cohen has a blog, and the fact that it is almost as juicy as Bravo network - oooommmph. Now I can feed my Bravo addiction at work.

You've been warned. Check it out - Bravo and Andy's Blog. And if you dare mention the subject to me, be prepared. I'll talk for hours about it.

***Note: Rereading this post, prior to my actual posting of it, I am semi-ashamed. My written voice just sounded like a 13 year old reading "Tiger Beat". Forgive me, please.

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Wednesday, August 30, 2006

CRASH BANG BOOM!

I’m starting to pick up on a recurring theme here.

Tuesdays: Upswing Day. Bouncing off the walls like an imbecile. Having way too much fun to do anyone any good.

Wednesdays: Crash and Burn, baby. Every problem in the world has emerged, and I feel incompetent, overwhelmed, and alone.

So I’m going to do today what I promised the Shrink I would do on Saturday.

First, I’m supposed to write down three things I need to say to myself when I’m feeling anxious. Last Wednesday evening (11:30 PM) I had an anxiety attack. Shrink-Man is trying to give me concrete tools to help me logically defray my anxiety. So here goes.

1. THIS IS JUST A MOOD. BECAUSE THIS IS JUST A MOOD, AND IT IS NOT A DEFINING CHARACTERISTIC OF ME, IT IS TEMPORARY. No matter how I feel, this is not a feeling that will last. I'm not doomed.

2. I NEED TO WORK ON MY LIST. I’ve been making a list on my anxious-days. It somehow makes me feel better to write down all the things that flood through my head, making me feel overwhelmed. These items need to be actionable, so that when I can complete them I can cross them off the list. After I have gotten some of these items out, and finished them, the situational anxiety ceases. This lightens my load, leaving me with JUST A TEMPORARY MOOD (See Item #1).

3. I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. For example, I haven’t eaten today and I’ve yet to test my blood sugars. I am not promoting emotional well-being by being neglectful of me. So I’m off to the fridge for my yogurt.

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Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Call Me Agnes: Wearing A Big Ponytail Driving My Hot-Pink Convertible Smoking My Camel Getting Hit By Oceanmist

Here is my story, morning glories:

I'm enjoying a full-blown upswing. Feeling good and all OCD and shit. I've been answering emails I've been putting off for months; answering the phone for people I've been blowing off; actually doing real work at the job I'm leaving in 7 workdays(!!!!!!!!!!!); checked all of my favorite websites (80); payed bills; downloaded a spreadsheet of my bills and calculated exactly how much gas money I've spent working at this current crappy job ( $580 in the past two months); writing nice notes to the boss-man i'm leaving; and commenting on blogs I've read today that I liked.

Not that you people care. I just thought you should know that I feel pretty elated right now. Euphoric, almost. So much so that I'm smelling things that aren't there. Like peanut butter.
Does that mean you are crazy when you smell things that don't exist?

So euphoric my happy visions came back today. I know I'm happy during my first hour on the road in the morning. I come to a stoplight, and as I'm watching - waiting for the stoplight to turn green - I envision a big, erect penis. Specifically, someone-I-know's big, erect penis. It's a sign of happiness, I believe. Who wouldn't be happy after getting the vision of a traffic-light-penis?

I thought I should pass along this insightful reflection of Snewo. My boss told me today that he had changed me...that when I walked in the door at this job I was DEMURE. Chortle chortle chortle chortle. For the girl who got several ultra-naughty nicknames in school - "Blow Job Queen", "Fihhhteeeen", and "Dust Bunny" come to mind*** - the idea that I was once DEMURE is a bit hysterical. My acting skills must have been really impressive at the time of hire.

Anyway, almost-not-my-boss said that he had made me a real SMARTASS. And I laughed.....and laughed.....and laughed.....

If he only knew.

Love you all. Hope I catch you on my way up because I'm sure having fun.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***Note: I've yet to tell the "Blow Job Queen", "Fihhhteeeen", and "Dust Bunny" stories here. I'm a bit embarassed. I really only open my big trap of a mouth and disclose things I shouldn't when I'm in the hyper, upswing phase. Perhaps if you can catch me on my way up next time, I'll tell the stories. They're pretty infamous.

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Saturday, August 26, 2006

More Mental Ramblings - Now From Personality #3, the Stunned Manic

How I Feel Right Now: A bit headachy but stunned nonetheless.

What Keeps Running Through My Head: I resigned from my job on Thursday after I accepted my new job. It was a truly awful experience, and I don't wish to repeat it. I really like the people I'm going to work with, and I hope that it works out for a long time.

What I Dreamed About Last Night: My former boss' boss, who we will call "Metrosexual Convertible-Driving Man" had dinner with me and my family. His son was a pothead, which made me realize that he is a real person living in a real world too. I got an interview with a company in Las Vegas, so "Metrosexual Convertible-Driving Man" drove me to Las Vegas, in his schweeeetttt midnight-blue BMW convertible, from his home on the cliffs of Carmel, California. We arrived in Vegas to find that this company - who also wanted me as an Executive Assistant - was installing me in a penthouse apartment on top of their corporate offices, which take up the top 4 floors of The Palms hotel.

What I Hope To Do Today: Go to the Shrink. Be With My Man and My Baby. See A Movie. Have Sex.





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Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Mental Ramblings of a Euphoric Manic

- Found out that the world of Blogging has just embraced a new member, my AP History Teacher from High School, Ken Foster.

In the world of Cartersville High, Mr. Foster was one of the few breaths of fresh (logical) air that existed in that ridiculous vacuum. I’ll never forget a mini-conversation we had once about how our founding fathers were atheists.
Anyway, Mr. Foster’s blog is here. He’s a bonafide smartypants, so his blog just mostly has his AP History stuff on it. Hopefully he’ll add some enlightening glimpses of his own mental ramblings, should his schedule allow. He’s a pretty busy guy.

http://fostersap.blogspot.com

---------------------------------------------------------------------
- On a related note, a high school blogger also has released the following, typical, Freedom-Of-Speech-Suppressing-Intentions of "The Man" @ Cartersville High:

From:
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=68502745&blogID=156266204

"Tuesday, August 15, 2006

So...Cartersville High School... Current mood: dont know
So umm...the Principal....calls us all down to an assembly...and starts talking to us about nothing.....but then he starts talking to us about how that if we post "bad blogs'...about Cartersville High School..we are gonna get in trouble...so i'd thought i would test him. Cause he's basically saying we dont have freedom of speech..which he is wrong...and im not gonna let some Principal of a High school tell me i dont have that right...i don't see what the big deal is about a blog...i mean..its better than us saying it in school...so...here's the part that we've all been waiting for....CARTERSVILLE HIGH SCHOOL IS THE LAMEST SCHOOL EVER....AND IT SUCKS....i encourage everyone to write a blog about how you feel about cartersville high school...
3:55 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos -
Add Comment"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
- More Reasons To Be Absolutely Thrilled About The Prospect of Leaving My Current Job

On an unrelated note, as I anxiously await for the final word from the company I’ve been interviewing with, my boss just committed a noteworthy, character-glimpsing error into his absolutely insane mind. For the past four hours, he’s been running around talking about this:

"I’ve been noticing something about paper towel dispensers in bathrooms – both at the office and out in public. Have you noticed that the school of thought for stocking the paper towel holder is that you need to cram as much paper towels in there as possible? They think that people will use less if you can’t get very many towels out because they are so tightly jammed in there. What they don’t know is that when you cram the paper towels in there, more come out when you pull for a towel, because the towels need breathing room to expand out of that tightly packed paper towel dispenser. So you end up wasting more paper towels."

I’ve actually heard him go off on this paper-towel-filled-train-of-thought twice today, and I start giggling every time. What a freaking moron. Who actually spends time thinking about how many paper towels are wasted by the inefficiencies committed by the poor hispanic restroom-cleaning lady, of whom actually has 6 kids at home w/ no man?

I feel like I’m in an episode of "Strangers With Candy" or some other equally stupid show on Comedy Central @ Midnight. Or "Adult Swim". I don’t get that show, either.

But the point is this: real people with real concerns don’t mull over the methodology of paper-towel-dispenser-filling. Paper-towel-dispenser methodologies are best suited for Six Sigma practitioners and other manufacturing, quality control aficionados who wear colored belts because they are so good at being perfect and directing others on how to try to be equally perfect. Basically, if you are paying attention to the proper insertion of paper towels, I believe you also should be counting the cogs in the machine go by. In a plant. With no air conditioning.

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"Play by the rules. But be ferocious."

Philip Knight - Nike

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3rd Interview and Career Horoscope

Well, I'm praying it went well. I had a couple of "uh oh" feelings in the midst of it all, but overall I think it went well.

Here's my career horoscope for today - wish me luck :

"Daily Career for August 22, 2006
Provided by Astrology.com
Weekly Career
You're more than up for any challenge right now, and might seriously impress someone who has been wondering about your fitness for something new. Expect some very good news soon."








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Monday, August 21, 2006

This Minute In Snewo: August 21, 2006

Where I am: Sitting @ Work

Where I am emotionally: An absolute mess. I feel like I’m on a downswing. I just want to go home and hide in bed.

What I’m Afraid Of This Minute: I have another job interview tomorrow. I think my last two interviews showed me on my upswing and me on my downswing. On my upswing, I’m confident, conversational, and funny. On the downswing I’m wavering, indecisive, and depressed. I’m in the midst of a downswing right now, and I’m afraid of what I seem like in an interview situation.

What Bothers Me Right Now:
- I feel like I’m on the verge of a breakdown, and I don’t feel like I have any support. My Shrink’s Nasty-Ol’ Receptionist won’t call back and the M.D. Shrink requires an appointment 2 months ahead of time. To be considered a visit-worthy mental patient you need to be suicidal or violent. And I don’t
want to go there, even though I may feel that way. Getting locked up sucks.

- My drugs all suck. My Ambien doesn’t put me to sleep. My mental meds don’t help me feel less mental. And I don’t think my antibiotic worked – I still have a non-stop sinus headache.

- I’m not financially able to have another breakdown. And I certainly can’t be having one while beginning/trying to begin a new job.

- I can’t drop this class @ school because they are already trying to drop my student loan and kick me out, just for dropping the last class.

What I’m Grateful For Right Now:
- I got a raise today. That means I’ll have an additional $100 per month in gas money.

- I’ve had sex in the last 24 hours, and it was good.

- I haven’t gone to the liquor store to self-medicate yet, but I sure am thinking about it.

- I had green beans and squash for lunch, and it was yummy.

- I’m not locked up. I don’t want to go back to that place. I just want to feel better.

- My toes still look pretty – I painted them last Wednesday.

- Even though I wanted to beat Charky silly yesterday, I restrained.

What Song Keeps Rolling Through My Head:
- "It’s Hard Out Heeeeah for a Pimp", from Hustle & Flow. We watched it Saturday. Great Movie.



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Sunday, August 20, 2006

Love it.

My favorite boys - Steven Soderburgh and John Travolta, age 4.


Saturday, August 19, 2006

Charky's First Day of First Grade - August 14, 2006

Friday, August 18, 2006

Britney, Britney, Britney. Or, "Pop Stars Who Behave Like Trailer Trash."

I put up with a lot from Britney.
- The Name Britney. That’s not how you spell Brittany, dammit. People
don’t usually have nice things to say about people who don’t check the
spelling on important things. Like your baby’s name. Don’t you dare
act like you didn’t have the money to buy a baby-name book, either. I
know Britney’s Daddy is one of those camo-wearin’, gun-totin
Louisianians who just aches for the day he can own a Brittany Spaniel
(http://www.gundogmag.com/gundog_breeds/brittany_0717/). So
you know how to spell it.

- Your first marriage. I don’t think it’s very nice to marry a childhood
friend/sweetheart, in Vegas, whilst dressed like a Panama City Beach
floozie. Even worse, you left him. Poor guy. Your moral compass may
be a bit off the "Spin The Bottle" wheel.

- Your Hair. As a natural blond, I have a real problem with any blond
imposter who gives us a bad name. And you do, Britney. You don’t
"speak very well". Nor do you dress very conservatively. Instead of
ruining it for the rest of us blonds, please dye your hair brunette and
STAY THAT WAY. Dammit.

Britney, lately you’ve been making it very difficult for me to exercise patience. My Momma always said, "Life is like a box of chocolates. Some are Scharffenberger and some are those nasty ol' Russell Stovers". I have to be nice to everyone, no matter their origins.

Unfortunately, Britney, this Jesus patience doesn't apply to Darwin Award-Winners. I just want to grab your nappy head, stick it under the faucet, and pour purple Kool-Aid on top. When done, I’ll grab Sean Preston and make a run for the local bio-testing facility, where they will eliminate the disastrous FederSpears genetic code you’ve bequeathed to your poor baby.

First, the whole Sharkie Discrimination Thing. (http://www.nationalledger.com/artman/publish/article_27267747.shtml) I actually think K-Fed may have won some props in little ol’ Crittersville when we found out that he likes Sharkies as much as us. You get rid of the sharks, feel free to send them and K-Fed to my house. We’ll put them up. For awhile, anyway. Damn you, Britney. Your kids could have been all scientific and shit. Knowledgeable about fishies. And like every other teenager, they would have wanted to become "Marine Biologists". In this case, they may have actually had a chance.

Besides, didn’t anyone tell your ignorant ass that Nurse Sharks are pretty tame? And they’re not white, dumbass. http://www.flmnh.ufl.edu/fish/Gallery/Descript/nurseshark/nurseshark.htm

Second, the whole "Unplanned / I’m too stupid to know how babies are made, y’all" pregnancy admission. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14381821/
It doesn’t "just kind of happen". You know exactly where you were when K-Fed put his ying-yang in your whoo-ha.

Besides, that just isn’t very nice. Who would want to grow up with flashbulbs popping in their face from Day 1, getting almost-dropped on their head, riding dangerously in tin-can Mini-Coopers, then later told, "It was all a mistake, y’all".

Shame on you, Britney. Go back to Looooouuisiana. Mebbe the next Hurricane will miss your trailer. Or not.

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Thursday, August 17, 2006

John Stewart & "The Pimp Tax"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu9WFPArmj8

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"beige is the 'archetypal sign of a life drained of passion.'”

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/08/17/garden/17happiness.html?pagewanted=2&8dpc&_r=1


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This Week in Snewo

Mood: Hostile and a bit tempest-filled

Aching Desire Right This Minute: To hear back from the staffing agency about that job I want. I've been on 3 interviews already, and I was told on Monday that they were going to make a decision that day. WHY THE FUC& AREN'T THEY CALLING ME ALREADY?

I'm pleased Right Now Because: I figured out my blog text problem (YAY!) in 10 minutes, and I still have time this morning to post.

The Thing I Utterly Regret Right Now: Yelling at Z this morning. I'm in the midst of a change in mood.

What I'm Reading: "An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness" (Vintage) Kay Redfield Jamison. www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0679763309.
Because the M.D. Shrink told me to read it.

What My Reading Material Is Teaching Me: I'm manic-depressive. Or manic-affective. Or something. I can't really figure it out because the damn shrink's receptionist hasn't made me another appointment yet. It's been 3 freaking weeks already. I can't handle this kind of rejection, especially by the shrink's receptionist. I know you can hear her voice now - calm, soothing, with a whole lot of condescension.

What I'm Grateful For This Minute, Because I'm Not Supposed To Just Be Pissed Off: I'm grateful I've had sex in the past 48 hours. I'm grateful I was able to get up this morning after only hitting the snooze button once. I'm grateful I was able to interview and at least behave like I'm not completely insane. I'm grateful I had dinner with: best friend, best-friend little sis, little sis man, little sis newborn (see below), pseudo-stepdaughter-pregnant-teen, pseudo-stepson, Z, Z Momma, Charky, and Z's Second Ex-Wife LAST WEEKEND. I'm grateful that I'm eating shredded wheat this morning, because I can feel my digestive tract oozing all the crap I've been eating. I'm grateful for my family and friends, who seem to be putting up with me fairly well.

Where I wish I was right now, as this damn blog is all about where I want to be: In New Jersey with my best friend and her family, at the beach. I'm pretty resentful I don't get a vacation this year.

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Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Please Be Patient While I learn HTML Coding. Hope You Like The New Template.

Friday, August 04, 2006

The "Man Laws"

A few years ago I lived with two men - my ex-boyfriend and my new boyfriend. We were all actually pretty great together for awhile. Anyway, we always joked about the "Man Laws". Ever since "The Man Show" came on television and Adam Corolla started his incessant whining more often, men have been staunchly defending their sex.

This is one of those lists of unknown authorship, so I very evilly stole it off someone else.

The Man Laws

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

29: Pull out

30: that shit on tv where the pro athletes slap each other on the ass is just wrong. do not ever do that. ever. you will be knocked the fuck out and will deserve ever second of your unconciousness.

31:hookin up with a friends ol lady will constitute death. but you will also be brought to the hospital, resessitated, and killed again.

32:if a buddy gets into a fight, you are required by law to help if there is more than one opponent. even if its 10 on 2. you must fight. being in the same hospital room as your friend is better than being a pussy!


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"The Popularity Dialer" - For When You Need To Be Cool And Have Your Cellphone Ring

http://popularitydialer.com/index.php

I wish I had thought of this. Love it.

"Have you ever been in a situation where you wished your cell phone would ring? Maybe you wanted to look extra important or popular on that hot date. Or maybe you just needed an excuse to escape from an unpleasant meeting.

With "The Popularity Dialer", you can plan ahead. Via a web interface, you can choose to have your phone called at a particular time (or several times). At the elected time, your phone will be dialed and you will hear a prerecorded message that's one half of a conversation. Thus, you will be prompted to have a fake conversation and will easily fool those around you. "

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Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Quote of the Day

"You need a real job, it will do wonders for you."

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