100 Things About Me

Yes, I did steal this topic from my new favorite blogger: Stephanie Klein. Read Greek Tragedy: http://www.stephanieklein.blogs.com/

100 Things About Me:
(Written over a period of days when I felt egocentric)

1. Since about the age of 12, I have looked older than I am. I hope this stops soon.
2. I'm a true mutt. Cherokee/Seminole/African slave/German/Jewish/Irish/Scottish/French/Mexican Indian.
3. I don't like wearing shoes. If I had it my way, I would be barefoot 365 days a year.
4. I married someone just because I felt it was the "right" thing to do. I hope I have learned not to use honor in the future like an idiot. I believe it is a family thing, by the way. My mother and my brother did the same thing.
5. Although we mostly went to First Presbyterian churches, I have been exposed to Buddhism, Shintoism, Catholicism, Lutheran(ism?), Hinduism, Judaism...my dad had a personality crisis for about a decade.
6. I went through my first bout of depression in second or third grade. Ever since, I spend most of my days reading. The web, novels, magazines, newspapers. I can't stop. It fills the loneliness.
7. Animals like me. A lot.
8. My hair is naturally curly and blondish. Everytime I significantly cut it I look like a poodle, so I keep it long.
9. I like my lingerie frilly and girlie.
10. I'm a pretty great cook when I am not worrying about it.
11. I hate kool-aid.
12. I am not one of those people who drives a car that they like. (Afternote: I totalled the car I was speaking of here 8/17/05, so this doesn't apply as much anymore).
13. Meeting new people makes me anxious. Sometimes I throw up.
14. I met Charlie Sheen at a Hamburger Hamlet in LA. I met Roseanne Barr and Tom Arnold because her daughters were in the same nutty hospital my sister stayed at. I once saw Kareem Abdul Jabbar walking down the street - he is so tall I thought he was an alien.
15. On my worse days, I can drink 6 or 7 cups of coffee. Yes, my teeth are stained.
16. I smoke cigars. I love them and I am not ready to give them up.
17. Until I was about 13, I slept with my favorite teddy bear, fuzzy. I have lost him a few times, and all times I cried like a hysteric. The last time this happened was four years ago. He's in my closet on the shelf with my other favorite friends.
18. I am severely addicted to Pink Floyd. When I was in High School, I had a crush on a redneck who introduced me to early Pink Floyd. My life has been very, very different since then.
19. I am a speedreader. No, I haven't taken a class and I can't explain. My mother is the same way. When I was in third grade I just started reading - a lot. And really fast. When I am really into a book it is usually done in a couple of hours.
20. My mother is a direct descendant of Ullyses S. Grant, therefore making her a direct relative of the royal family of Britain.
21. My Dad's Great, Great grandfather was Rabbi Levi Zimmerman from Northern Germany.
22. When I was 10, I had an autistic boy knock me out on the sidewalk. His caretaker explained to my sister that he thought I was beautiful. I know the truth.
23. Lisa Rodman, my best friend in California, has not spoken to me for over a decade, since I fell in love with the wrong thing.
24. I prefer to be naked. If I had it my way, I would be naked all the time. I look much better in the buff. Clothes make you look fat.
25. Painkillers are completely ineffective for me. Last time I had surgery, they almost killed me just trying to make me pass out.
26. My daughter was supposed to be named Rowan. My ex-husband's ego got the best of him, and she was granted the name she has.
27. I don't love to sing anymore. A year of voice lessons wasted. Something happened, and his name is Chris.
28. A long time ago, a schizophrenic LSD dealer named Jerome was convinced I stole 3K worth of product from him, and wanted to kill me.
29. When I feel good in my own skin I can stand wearing thongs. Other than that, I stick with G-strings. I enjoy men's boxers (the old fashioned striped cotton kind) but I haven't dated a man who wears those in over 8 years.
30. I love green tea.
31. I still love Camel Lights, even though I don't smoke cigarrettes anymore.
32. Carmel, California is where I would live if I were really, really wealthy. 33. I once had everyone I knew convinced I needed to be a tit and ass model. And yes, they were that pretty.
34. I have really scared my friends a number of times by getting low blood sugar and just passing out. In Waffle House, in the car, at the mall, while driving, while swimming, while taking tests.......
35. My mother looks like a cross between Susan Sarandon and Geena Davis.
36. I was a brownie.
37. I grew up in Valencia, California and Danville, California. Went to high school in Cartersville, Georgia.
38. If you ever go to San Francisco, I recommend going in the fall, around October. You will fall in love and you will never leave. It is absolutely beautiful.
39. The Pacific Ocean smells better than the Atlantic.
40. I want to cage dive with Great White Sharks.
41. I still don't know what I wanna do when I grow up, and I think I am running out of time.
42. My favorite outfit is a stupid t-shirt and a pair of old man's cotton golf pants.
43. I have never had a tattoo, and I don't really plan on it.
44. I will never skydive. The man in the hospital bed next to my boyfriend, while my boyfriend was dying after his car accident, was the result of a skydiving accident. I will never forget how horrible he looked and how incredibly sad it was.
45. My married name was McGinnis. I never had it changed, though.
46. I miss my dog. I left him with my husband when I left because I knew he wouldn't let me take him. My ex later gave him away because he is an asshole.He was an amazing dog...smart, loyal and funny. Australian Shepherd. Stormy. Thinking about him makes me want to cry.
47. If I didn't think that eating pussy was so dang gross, I wouldv'e become a lesbian. Men are usually useless, except for their package. Speaking of packages....
48. Short men have bigger penises. It's usually the beanpole, shrimpy men who you send home the second they drop their briefs on your rug.
49. I've had a threesome. It is never worth it, and it is sooooo not like a porn. Nothing ends up that synchronized. It's all kind of mismatched and there's always one person who feels left out because they kind of are left out.
50. I had a cat from the time I was in Kindergarten until about three ago. She was ridiculously old. Long-hair black cat named Xanthippi.(Wife of Socrates, a bit of a nutcase. Great name for the cat).
51. I'm ridiculously sleep deprived. Averaging 4 hours per night and hating it.
52. One of my neighbors a long time ago was an ex-baseball player. He was an avid hunter, and had a "dead animal room" in his backyard where he kept heads. It was kind of cool.
53. Ever since the age of about 17, I have preferred men in their 30s. More fun in bed and more money.
54. My favorite car is a Packard.
55. I'm a really good swimmer. I qualified for the junior olympics. Never went.
56. My sister was locked up in a nutty hospital in Hollywood for about 18 months. I met a lot of interesting, f-ed up celebrities during her stay.
57. I'm not really big on pork. I do like sausage.
58. According to the old "wrap your hand around your wrist" test, I have a small bone structure. I never really believed that test. My left hip is bigger than your head.
59. I was granted a nickname in high school that I will never forget, it was so terrible. Everyone who knew me then knows what it is, and it seems to come up a lot at parties and reunions. I wish I were the girl everyone remembered for her bow tying skills, or sexually innocuous like the Molly Ringwald lipstick application from "The Breakfast Club".
60. My parents took me to a shrink when I was 10. I had an IQ test done. Ever since, I have never believed that those things determined your success in life. Emotional IQ is the way to go, baby.
61.I once had a drunken bathtub session (completely non-sexual on my part) with two gay men. A lot of fun.
62. My childhood celebrity crushes were Tom Selleck, Jeff Goldblum, Kevin Costner and John Cusack.
63. Speaking of Cusacks, my favorite love movie is "say anything".
64. I once died my hair turquoise. When I tried to fix it by dying it red, it turned lavender and began to fall out.
65. I also once had my tongue pierced.
66. Spartacus is a secret pleasure of mine.
67. I'm a Jeopardy addict.
68. My favorite California restaurants that I desperately miss are: The Good Earth, Marie Callendars, Jack in the Box, In and Out Burger, and Coco's.
69. I don't like chocolate, but I think I could live off of Scharffenberger. Hershey bought them and I am freaking out that the quality may change.
70. My shoe size is 8 1/2.
71. At last count, I have over 1000 movies. I am an addict. Off the top of my head, my favorites are: Papillon, L.A. Confidential, Say Anything, Little Dorrit, Annie, The Little Mermaid, Topper, Bugsy, Casino, Scarface, The Godfather trilogy.......
72. I collect rocks. I am attracted to a few - amethyst, peridot, and red quartz. Right now I am trying to save up money to buy pieces of meteorites - one, called Australite, looks like a little piece of stardust. I bought two tables from Pottery Barn teen - they have lift off plexiglass tops with chess boards under. I covered the chessboards in a sari, and they hold my rocks.
73. If I hadn't have had a mini fling with my boss, I would have been a graduate of chef school by now. Being that young and being semi-involved with a married family man was too weird. I would have been an amazing chef.
74. My grandmother, my mother, my sister and I have the same almond shaped birthmark on our right hip. Sign of a witch, if you ask me.
75. I read Tarot and I do okay. I lost my cards over two years ago, and I thought that meant something, so I haven't bought another set yet. I had a Camelot deck that was really beautiful.
76. I like Converse, Tods, Adidas' Samba, Bjorn, and platform/wedgie heels. I am willing to spend around $100 per pair. Only a few times have I really splurged and paid over $150, and I think one of those times it was for running shoes.
77. I was a Restoration Hardware junkie before they were a chain. I once spent an afternoon and evening in there checking out drawer knobs.
78. I would have made an amazing stylist...especially for men. I love men's clothes.
79. Coffee is a problem for me. During the typical workday, I drink 4 or 5 10 oz. cups.
80. When I was much younger, I wanted to do something in musical theatre. I worked in a few of the San Francisco Lamplighter's shows, and
I fell in love. Cole Porter is my favorite, along with Gilbert & Sullivan.
81. I have had sex and relationships with two men who later said they were gay. Yes, it was mentally scarring to think that I could have been the cause/ I didn't help lead them back to heterosexuality. What an ego. I got over it. The scarring part, I mean.
82. One of my favorite gay men is convinced that I will have his love child someday. If I weren't so in love with zee, I would be all about a drunken one night stand. He's a sweetheart.
83. I am one of those people who was meant to have a maid. It isn't that I am lazy, it's more a sign of genius in my opinion. I'm like the scatterbrained professor. I lose everything in my house. Having two other people around doesn't help.
84. I hate beets, huevos rancheros, stuffed green peppers, ham, and grits. 85. I love sushi, tomatoes caprese, caribbean food, stir fry, and rice.
86. I was in a front impact car wreck on 8/17/05, doing 70 mph, on I-75 North, 1 mile south of the Cartersville/Main Street Exit.
87. I got the herpes "A" simplex virus from my friend Nicole Rioux in 6th grade, by sharing her lipgloss. She got it from her boyfriend, Kevin something-or-another. Ever since, in times of extreme stress, I get cold sores. Really shitty.
88. My boyfriend Z and I share a love of containers. Pots, boxes, cans, you name it.
89. Painting is one of my favorite things to do - both artistic and just doing the walls. I am great at edging.
90. I am a complete believer in pheromones. Although I can't smell much since my long period of nasal passage numbing, I do smell people. Doesn't really matter if you have bathed. I know pretty quickly if I won't like you based on your smell.
91. My sister was the General Manager of a four-star Michelin restaurant located in Baltimore. One day, Gene Hackman, my mother's favorite actor, came in to eat. She called my mother, who put me on three way, and we waited in silence for her to run back and forth from Gene to the phone to give us updates about him. She said he was a very nice man, and looked much older in real life.
92. I was in love with the Sean Connery from James Bond for a long time, then I found out that he said in an interview that spousal abuse didn't really bother him. What an ass.
93. I like seersucker. I want a seersucker suit cut by Alberta Ferretti or Celine.
94. I need to golf more. From my limited experience, I really like golf. Anything that allows you to drink, ride around in a cute little cart, stay in nice hotels, and wear funky plaids, checks and stripes was meant for me. Besides, I am told I have a nice swing.
95. I could survive off of white rice, pickles, lemons with sugar, whole fruit popsicles, and bologna.
96. A long, long time ago, I was insistent that I was going to be a writer. I became afraid of my reality and no longer wanted to talk about it. Since my life is different now, and I can walk tall, I may change my mind again.
97. This is a big deep dark secret. When I was young and stupid, I wanted to run a cocaine cartel. I dated my way up the food chain because I thought I was headed towards the top. One day, I had an epiphany, and realized that there are all kinds of whores. They don't fuck just for money.
98. I know what love is. I believe it is such a rare thing that I daren't try to explain it.
99. I feel successful. Then, when I start having anxiety over money and bills, I feel petty and small. Worth could be achieved so easily if we weren't taught to inject money into the scenario.
100. My middle name is Lee. My mother is called that, although her name is LeAnne. Her father was called that, although his name was LeRoy. (Emphasis on the Luh). It's French.

Good news for people into autoerotic asphyxiation!!!

Not that I am one of those freaks.

http://www.law.com/jsp/article.jsp?id=1090180323375

Death Benefits Granted in Autoerotic Asphyxiation Case

Majority had ruled that death was not covered by policy
Mark HamblettNew York Law Journal08-12-2004

A judge's change of heart has led a federal appeals panel to grant death benefits to the mother of a man who died of autoerotic asphyxiation. 2nd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Barrington D. Parker Jr.'s reconsideration of the issues in the insurance case, Critchlow v. First Unum Insurance Co. of America, 02-7585, came one year after the court upheld the denial of death benefits to Shirley M. Critchlow. Critchlow's son, David, died in 1999 after placing a noose around his neck to accomplish autoerotic stimulation -- the restriction of oxygen to the brain to enhance sexual pleasure. In 2003, Judges Parker, Ellsworth Van Graafeiland and Amalya Kearse split 2-1 and ruled that the death was from a self-inflicted injury excluded from coverage by First Unum's policy. The decision upheld Western District Chief Judge David G. Larimer rejection of Critchlow's claim. In her appeal, Critchlow argued that her son had been a longtime practitioner of autoerotic stimulation and had never intended to inflict injury on himself. But Judge Van Graafeiland wrote that the majority was unpersuaded by her argument. "That decedent had engaged in this very activity on prior occasions without apparently serious or permanent adverse consequences does not mean that the activity did not injure him, nor does the fact that he did not intend to die make the injury any less intentional," the judge said. Noting that about 2,000 deaths a year are caused by autoerotic asphyxiation, Van Graafeiland said both the 5th and 8th circuits also had concluded that "the deliberate constriction of one's windpipe with the purpose of depriving the brain of oxygen" is a self-inflicted injury. Judge Kearse, who disagreed with the majority's reading of the case law, dissented in the 2003 opinion. However, while a poll of the active judges of the 2nd Circuit was being taken to determine whether the court would rehear the issue en banc, Parker reconsidered his decision and voted to reverse the judgment. Kearse, now in the majority, wrote that "it has never been disputed" that Critchlow's death "was subjectively unexpected and unintended," and she cited police reports that Critchlow had escape measures built into the cords he used to bind himself. "Nor do we see any evidence in the record from which a rational factfinder could find that Critchlow's subjective intent to survive was objectively unreasonable," she said. "Moreover, the district court itself acknowledged that Critchlow had not intended total strangulation, as it noted that he had set up a complicated escape mechanism 'to ensure that he did not die of asphyxiation.'" Summing up, Kearse said that "no scientific evidence before the court indicated that autoerotic asphyxiation, if practiced without accident, constitutes an injury rather than simply producing a temporary lightheadedness that the practitioner believes will increase his sexual gratification; no evidence indicated that one engaging in that practice expects to die, rather than to survive the experience and repeat it again. "Such nonserious, temporary changes in condition are not what persons of reasonable or average intelligence and experience would ordinarily understand to be meant by 'injuries' in the phrase 'loss ... caused by ... intentionally self-inflicted injuries'," she said. Now in dissent, Van Graafeiland wrote, "I believed then that Judge Larimer was right and I continue to believe so. "Moreover, until someone, whose opinion I respect honestly informs me that as a general proposition, he or she would not hesitate to undergo a session of autoerotic asphyxiation through strangulation, I will not change my mind. "Partial strangulation is an injury," he said. "A suicidal motive is not required." Christopher J. Calabrese of Rochester represented Critchlow. Paul K. Stecker of Phillips, Lytle, Hitchcock, Blaine & Huber in Buffalo, N.Y., represented First Unum

Does your favorite Korean massage parlor have adequate coverage?

Z has aspirations of being the next Dr. Ruth. As he puts it, he believes most people need tutorials in how to lovingly fuc& your partner. Okay, okay, he doesn't put it that way.

Yes, I have considered the egotism in this. For those of you who are as cynical as I, the first question should be:

"Why the hell does he think he is so special he can teach others how to properly bang their mates?"

Anyway, I discovered that when he does embark on this career path, he will need various commercial insurance policies. And he needs to be careful when training employees. See below.

A psychologist sued for performing an erotic "therapeutic massage" while training a prospective employee has been held not to be entitled to a defense under either his CGL or homeowner's policy. Swan Consultants, Inc. v. Travelers Property Casualty Co., -- F.Supp.2d --, 2005 WL 627634 (S.D.N.Y., March 17, 2005). The court held the complaint did not allege an "occurrence" or accident within the meaning of either policy. Even if the complaint had alleged an "occurrence" or accident, any resulting bodily injury would have been excluded under each policy's "intended or expected" exclusion.

Are Ugly People Exceedingly Horny? Or just Ugly?

Sienna Miller needs to be applauded. She dumped her way more famous fiance, even though he has a big di$k, and way more money. Although she is only 23 (listen to me, as if I am that far away in age) she has a good head on her shoulders...I expect her to reap the fruits of Hollywood relationship politics. She'll end up with some way more famous older man because she plays it straight. Maybe she'll settle Robert De Niro down, like Annette Bening and Warren Beatty.

What is it with these stupid British men and their icky sex hookups? Jude Law's liasion with the nanny seems to evoke that Hugh Grant-tranny in the park thing. Are they so desperate they NEED SEX RIGHT NOW. NOW. HAVE A HARDON NEED TO GET LAID I DON"T CARE IF SHE IS GRACE JONES TAKE CARE OF IT NOW. CAN'T WAIT. Go jerk off or something, like normal people. What the hell.

STEREOTYPE WARNING! DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING UNLESS YOU CAN ACCEPT SOME BIASED, IGNORANT HUMAN DISCRIMINATION.

I have heard that people from the British Isles are exceedingly ugly. I certainly was surprised to find out that Irish people aren't exactly what you envision when you read Maeve Binchy. Made me wonder how you can be so full of Irish pride when you aren't from an abnormally pretty people. I mean, Brazilians don't have this whole cult stubborn pride thing about being Brazilian, and they can claim Gisele Bundchen and Christy Turlington. The French have always been snotty as hell, but let's face it - they can claim Emmanuelle Beart (prior to her duck lips).

I wonder if it is people who are exceedingly homely who have these irrepressible sexual urges, a la Jude Law and Hugh Grant. Is it some element of evolution? The only way to push propagation among ugly people is to make them ridiculously horny? Beautiful people don't have to work to get laid.

Not that Jude Law is that much of a dog, but let's face it. He looks like he's been hiding in a closet for a couple of years. When you are rich, you are supposed to get that well-tanned, well-fed, well-clothed glow...What happened to him?

Meandering

Today we are all going to think something nice about me, because tonight I am going to haggle over this house I want. Please, please wish that the owner wants to sell really badly and can be negotiated with. Please, please hope that nothing is ridiculously wrong...ever since I found out it has a septic tank I have been a bit apprehensive.

I don't have anything else to talk about - it's on the top of my head. I wonder how I will get anything done all day.

Oh wait. Yeah. I've lost 1/2 lb. in 3 weeks, I have no clue why. However, I have now officially begun a Salvation Army pile with not one, but two sizes of clothing. I'm wearing my favorite seersucker pants today, and I am thrilled about it. If I could just convince work to let me wear hot pink flipflops with boa trim, I would be ecstatic. Oh well. At least I have my new baby pink heart satchel to match. I'll have to take a picture of it, it's crazy cute.

Like sands in the hourglass, so are the happy pills soaking back into your system

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I feel horrendous.

Yesterday I attempted to fix it by going and blowing money I don't have on my favorite pedicure man "Larwwry". That man is a godsend. I will never, ever let a woman touch my feet again. I would almost let him suck my toes he is so good.

Anyway, my toes felt better, and I felt more relaxed. (If I had an extra $20, the Atlanta School of Massage is offering half off their novice massages. Sometimes, it is better to get someone in there who is ultimately focused on the deep tissue because their graduation is dependent on their performance. You just can't beat $20 for a 50 minute session.)

Somehow, things changed radically throughout the evening. I started a new class last night - some fruity blend of philosophical cognition theory and basic existentialism - and the General Counsel playing Professor gives me heartburn. As he aptly described, "My father calls this mental masturbation. But this is important stuff, people."

Yes, hyperactive I-wish-I-were-an-actor-with-my-constant-Dr.Evil-impressions-so-I-became-an-entertainment-lawyer-instead, you are one of those dorky egocentric fools who actively practices mental masturbation. It is so distasteful when people truly dig their own thinking to the degree that they believe they are intellectuals, and derive some sick sense of superiority from their mental ramblings... Ick.

I couldn't sleep until 1:30 AM - my brain was wrapped into some knot of pseudo-anxiety. I finally gave in, and set the alarm an hour ahead, despite the fact I really needed to be early at work so I can leave early on Friday to drive to North Carolina.

My Mother has already called in some anxious stressing guilt-tripping fit. As she gets older and crankier, she has completely begun to resemble her own mother. I don't remember my maternal Grandmother - her and my grandfather passed away two weeks apart when I was two - but from all descriptions, she was a true cranky beeatttch. If there is such thing as a hybrid Arizona-raised Presbyterian who is really a walking Jewish Mother hidden on the inside, my mother fits the bill. She is even starting to nag in that cranky Jewish Mother tone- you know, where the last word in her sentences lift an octave in a higher whine, and drag out for a few syllables. "If that is how you really feeeeeeeellllllll...."

HELP.

The HodgePodge Thus Far

So now we can play countdown to normalcy. Almost wanted to just start chewing on my happy pills this morning, but I decided to practice some moderation.

Lots going on in the past week, seems a shame all I blogged about was my stupid anxiety attacks. After I blogged like some depressed single woman drinking Sleepytime tea while patting her four cats, I felt a bit better. Of course, the valium and the other yummy pill in the stash helped a bit too. All thanks to the saintly paraplegic wife of my ex-husband. Hah. That is so in need of a Dr. Phil special.

Other items on the "Anywhere But Here" agenda:

I may have found a house. I may have a loan, I will be the first one to offer, you get the idea. I am thrilled about it. I'm having a hard time making it real in my head, you know? In so many ways, I feel like such a young girl. It's strange having to relate to others as adults, when I still think I am 16 in my head. The idea of me as some mortgage paying homeowner is a bit out of synchronicity. If and when this thing goes through, I am going to have to do something utterly juvenile in rebellion. Z and I had sex outside under the moonlight last weekend. I think something similar to that is in order.

Item 2:
I feel terrible about whining about Z in my last blog. He woke up about 20 minutes after I was done and did an incredible job tending to my emotional needs. The comfort/warmness/familiarity I feel when it is he and I is better than any drug. It is calming. It feels like home. Sometimes being with him -in the simplicity and quiet of just listening to eachother, being next to eachother, as we sit outside and talk about our plants - reminds me of home. There is a certain smell and feeling I miss that exists in San Francisco. It smells clean, and pure, and full of life and energy and passion. Z smells similar. Somehow, since I have been with him ( 3 years in September ) I don't miss my home so miserably. As I told him, "I guess you are my home".

Item 3: A few blog entries back, I discussed my friend who had a tiff with her husband. Recently, she blogged about how they had done something "kinky". In typical fashion, she swore not to tell what it was until others had shared their own kinky escapades.

My lovely friend, I mean this in the highest regard. You are Fuck&ng Up. The kinky stuff is sordid once it is discussed outside of the confines of your lover. If you are desperate for the titillating thrill of disclosure - tell the big secret - I have discovered that once you get to the point where you can discuss things completely openly with your lover, you don't need to get that feeling somewhere else. I don't mean "dirty talk", either. In a way that makes sense, as it relates to your partnership, there is something sexy about a conversation that begins:

" It feels absolutely incredible when you..."

(Remember, this isn't in the midst of being provocative or suggestive. This is casual, after sex Waffle House conversation.

Not that I have been to Waffle House in over 6 weeks....)

The point is, don't share. Sharing is seedy and gross. Like swingers. Ick. I've discovered that couples that swing are usually way not sexy in real life, like nudists. It is absolutely nothing like "The Ice Storm", where you have super hot Kevin Kline as a potential "date" for the evening.

Item 4:
Did I mention my idiotic coworker? He is also in the midst of attempting to purchase a home. Difference is, he decided to use his desk as a forefront for loud conversations with real estate agents, lenders and creditors last week.

Admittedly, I also use work as a home base, but I run to the phone room anytime anyone of the least significance calls. The entire process of discussing my debt-to-income ratio is somewhat icky, anyway. I so don't want to share that either.

My issue is, now I know this person's income, credit card bills, salaries at former jobs, spouse's income...you name it. How do you look someone in the eye over that one? Obviously they are a perfect idiot to share that kind of stuff over the telephone in a cubicle culture. Bleccchhh. Stupid people suck.

Item 5:
My boss just got back from vacation in Orlando - he actually remembered the Minnie Mouse ears I asked for. How sweet was that.

What he enlightened me about was some U.S. President's ride they have there. (Not in Anaheim I'll have you know). Apparently, the little animatronic presidents only clap and cheer for two U.S. Presidents - Reagan and George W. Perhaps a boycott on Disney in Jeb Bush's Florida is in order?

Where are you 

My hole

Um, so I am kind of a mess, and I guess I am perfectly willing to go on open access on the www and discuss. Yuk. Being that my friends read this, my spilling my guts is the closest thing to a catharthis is the form of a mental rape as anything out there.

Forgive my bitching. As I said, I am a bit of coal in the smushpot of angst.

Purely chemical, I assure you. My hot Bollywood star of a General Practitioner may have placed himself on the bottom of my New Delhi racial epithet receiver list. We have been back and forthing for a week about refilling my antidepressant scrip. He's just pissed because I have been cheating on him with my weekly visits to my hot Jewish specialist, and wants me to come see him to shoot the shi&.

So I am officially under withdrawals, complete with the resplendent panic attacks, staring into space, and overall overwhelming feeling of anxiety. Sorry kids, my long love affair with the silver spoon and the whore named - well, hmm...I never did name her. Only meth heads name their bitch. My bitch was so righteous she never needed a name. Anyway, my long love affair left the neurons in my head a bit googly. Need drugs to counteract the overwhelming depression that would set in otherwise.

So life is a peach. I am neurotic and terrified and full of nightmares and terrified wakings up at night. Dreamed the other night that the two men closest to me died the same evening. Left with soaking wet, salty pajamas and an incredible need to go skinny dipping.

As always, my man has sensed my neediness and my fear and has disappeared into some silent hole. It's as if he appreciates having such an energetic, independent woman around that the moment she turns into a creature of need, he runs as though she has a split personality.

Enough about me. How are you all doing?

Jude Law made her whole body tingle

I can't stand it. I need to comment on the Jude Law boning the nanny story.

First, visit Junkfeud's article about Jude Law boning the nanny, located at http://junkfeud.blogspot.com/.
Take a look at the ugly-nanny-by-comparison-to-Jude's-lovely-fiance.

Sienna Miller is pretty cute, and looks way more bangable than the weird, fat-Michelle-Phillips looking nanny.

I have to comment on a few things. First, Junkfeud makes a huge point. If Sienna Miller walks barefoot on city streets on a consistent basis, then I wouldn't want her in my bed either. City street feets are gross.

Second, the nanny's comment is priceless. "It was amazing, Jude was a masterful lover who made my whole body tingle". After the recent pic of Jude Law (see photo below) I don't see how she was tingling. I think she was high on X, so the massive, throbbing thud she felt all the way up to her bellybutton must have felt like tingling.

No thanks, Jude. Your face is pimply and you need to keep that thing in your pants.

Why I love Costco

When I was a little kid, my grandmother and I bonded over Costco. In my house, the kitchen was almost alien in its escape from American culture junk food. The fridge was usually stocked with nonfat milk, fruit, mustard, hot sauce, yogurt and leafy greens. The only canned products in the house were canned veggies and vegetarian brands of soup and chili (Hain comes to mind).

Even our breakfast cereal was devoid of typical brands. I remember puffed wheat being a classic staple, along with Cream of Wheat and the big jar of Quaker Oats.

So going to Grandma's house ensured a taste of American junk food. She still had funny things in her fridge - the freezer section was always stocked to the tilt with Weight Watchers frozen dinners, and she had sugar-free whole-wheat oatmeal raisin cookies for me in the fridge.

However, Grandma was big on stocking the fridge in her garage for her grandkids. She kept about 100 cans of carbonated drinks at all times out there, along with huge, economy size bags of cheese puffs and pretzels. Grandma was big on bagged popcorn, too.

Anyway, Grandma loved Trader Joes, Boneys and Costco. Since Costco is the only California grocery staple that I actually have here in BFE Georgia (where the Fuc& is Safeway, dammit?)
I feel a sense of home when I go.

Right after I got married, Grandma bought a lifetime membership to Costco, and gave me the second card. I was thrilled. Somehow, the idea that I can still go there and get a gallon of milk for $0.50 less than Walmart is a real thrill.

I still love that place. I like that they sell things that I find useful. I like the fact that they sell mozzarella in olive oil. I like that their premade supreme pizza is the bomb. I like the fact that they usually carry a better selection of toys for christmas than any other place. I especially like going there after she died 3 years ago. I know it would make her happy that I could walk around there, find great things to buy, and spend way too much money and only feel guilty about it for an instantaneous moment.

The New York Times business section loves Costco, too. Buy some stock. I don't usually feel so warmhearted about Corporate America.

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/17/business/yourmoney/17costco.html?pagewanted=1&ei=5087&en=0b14b03b0352416d&ex=1137297600&mkt=bizlink2

How hard it is to be a parent

I bet you hear that all the time. In truth, I despise people who constantly talk about the trials and tribulations of parenthood, as if they already qualified for "Mom/Dad of the Year" award. You aren't the first person to deal with sleep deprivation, sore nipples, guilt over working too long....

The past few weeks have really pushed the parent issue with me. I had only 65% resolved that I would not have any more children. I think that a few experiences I have had lately may have put me into the 75-85% resolved bracket.

Today I was the one responsible for "teaching a lesson". I distinctly remember my own parents having had taught me this lesson, and how horrible it was. I now have a yucky taste in the bottom of my throat, and an incredible desire to get drunk.

My daughter is very much like me. When I was a little kid, I was a strange combination of non-stop talking, demonstrativeness, and insecurity. I was always afraid my friends were going to go away, and I picked up skills that I felt help me reassure and coax others. I embraced the power of present-giving, and tried to make everyone happy around me. I assume this is some symptom of my dysfunctional family. I was the caregiver because everyone else was so busy destroying themselves.


My daughter has spent all weekend with a boy slightly younger. He is a very different creature. Although he is defiant and willful, as my daughter can be, he is solely interested in his own self-interests. Very little of his time is involved with empathy, worrying about others, or caring how his own actions seem to others.

I know, I know... children only pick up the skills of empathy at about 3 or 4. I am just slightly uncomfortable around anyone who exhibits that kind of egotism. I have spent way to0 much time around true egotists, and instead of it going away, they just learned to fake it and hide it. You meet them every day...the person who asks you questions about yourself, and cares absolutely nothing for what you have to say. They just learned the mockery of social graces, not the purity of being a caring, empathetic person.

My daughter gave this little boy one of her toy dogs, because he had been throwing a fit about it for the past 18 hours or so. He basically pouted and treated her badly, even while they were playing unrelated games, because she wouldn't "give" him the dog. So she gave in, and gave it to him.

Then, when he was leaving, she asked for her toys back. He gave back all of the toys except the dog. When I asked, I was told she had given the toy to him.

To make a long story short, I felt she needed to learn that she couldn't
"pretend" when it came to giving her things away. I couldn't ask for the toy back in good conscience - it was rightfully his despite his mediocre behavior.

She cried and cried and cried. I felt horrible. Everything about it reminded me of my own lesson from childhood - once you give something away, you can't ask for it back. I remember being horribly upset. Now I had to watch my daughter in my footsteps.

Call me a coward. I don't want to repeat these lessons for the benefit of having my own progeny. I may just be done.

Admit you banged her sister (and her sister's husband) 

ADMIT OR DENY? That is the question.

Do we admit our sexual transgressions to our partners?

Recently, a good friend got into a "open disclosure" type conversation with her husband, after discovering some of his (ahem) sexual tastes in online porn. After this conversation, his feelings were hurt. She had admitted to a few of her own sexual escapades that had occurred just prior to their wedding.

Having had been in this situation, I know how painful and awful this can be. Finding out your lover has kept their sexual history hidden from you can be heartbreaking. It is very hard not to make it a personal issue - "What is wrong with me? Where was I? Why did they want to do that?".

In truth, it is not meant to be personal. Everyone has an experience in their history where they did something really, really stupid just because they weren't thinking straight, whether animal instinct, drugs, alcohol, or the newfound hottie in the bar were leading the logic.

LIE OR HONESTY?
I have a friend who readily admits that she wholeheartedly believes in lying about her sexual past. She also believes in lying about her sexual present - she has had a number of affairs. As she puts it, why torture your partner that way? Why would you make them suffer, needlessly, for your own stupidity?

I seem to remember that both Cosmo, Stuff, and Blender have followed this train of thought - tis better to lie.

While this humanity on behalf of the sexual downtrodden is downright admirable, it is the plea of cowards. No matter how crappy your sexual liasion was, it is better to admit.

Here is why:

1. The basic explanation is disease. Say your woman finds out she has something, and she has been monogamous with you for years. Why would you want her to find out about her problem, and then internally ponder your assholehood for days, even months, until she finally blows up on you and calls you the asswipe you are?

2. I don't care who you are, I believe relationships are better when they are wholeheartedly honest. How can you ascribe to the wish for intimacy, when you only know half of your partner? When we fall in love, we fall for everything, including the yucky stuff. How are you supposed to say that you know your lover, when you have absolutely no clue that he picks up hookers after a night at the bar? As faint of heart as we may be, the truth will either make it or break it. It's much better to know than not to know. Trust me.

Example: You find out your man has a proclivity for live sex acts involving pregnant women and sodomy with large objects. Sometimes knowing what drives the animal inside is a pretty good indication of what kind of soulless monster you are sleeping with.

3. I hate the feeling of guilt. I am not sure how people live with themselves with that feeling. In all honesty, I think that it is a symptom of evil that people can so readily throw away all guilty feelings of their inner consciousness, and live with themselves after having had done something horrible.

Guilt only goes away with confession. And no, I'm not catholic. You can't earn forgiveness from yourself until you earn it from those you have trespassed against. Who wants to live with guilt? Screw that. Be strong, admit your faults, blame no one for your own assholedom, and hope that your lover has a kind enough spirit to forgive you. Only then can you start hoping that you will forgive yourself.

THAT's MY TAKE ON IT.

If you don't want to find your soulmate - the person who loves you for your smelly ass, your body odor, your sexual turnons and your character flaws in conjunction with the amazing, loving creature you are, then this advice isn't for you. I find that an eternal quest for sharing a life with someone in an honest way is ultimately more gratifying than a relationship built on falsehood, which is ultimately a life still spent alone.

MY FAVORITE DEMOCRAT KNOWS HOW TO MAKE ME SMILE

Dear Red States,

We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get "Opry" Land. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make the red states pay their fair share. Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms. Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the "WMD"s turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 Percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners), 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say That evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Sincerely,
(Author Unknown in New California)

"Light is incredibly generous, but also gentle. When you attend to the Way, the Dawn comes, and you learn how Light can coax the dark."

Hmm... this software sounds like a good mental tangent leading to the Apocalypse

I found this info from the "Skynet" of our time, Microsoft, really intriguing.
Called the "My LifeBits Project", Microsoft has been working on software that will capture the media throughout your life - photos, letters, emails, essays, movies, music. Originally an idea from Vannevar Bush, Franklin D. Roosevelt's science advisor, in a 1945 Atlantic Monthly article titled, "As We May Think".

( Bush's article found here: http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/prem/194507/bush)

Somehow this strikes me a bit post-WWII sci-fi, end of the world style, a la "Planet of the Apes". Instead of "The Diary of Anne Frank" as the cultural signpost for the historical apocalypse of our time, it could be "Mr. Whackenbush's CD/DVD chronicling WWIII".

Anyway, give it a looksee. Sorry for the end of the world negativity. The cliched similarities are just a bit too obvious.

http://www.research.microsoft.com/barc/MediaPresence/MyLifeBits.aspx

Danielle Gamba

Go see www.daniellegamba.com. My vote for FHM's hottest bikini model.
From Walnut Creek, CA - a hop skip from my hometown. (That region seems to
be the hotbed for producing hot women. Christy Turlington and Marla Sokoloff hail from there.

Someone please tell me this is not real. Look closely. From http://dlisted.blogspot.com/. 

The Fat Man Walking

People, I cannot tell you what a drive this man has been for my spirit. I was feeling all bitter and whiny about my stupid diet, and I could see myself becoming more and more depressed about the whole thing.

This man has given me some inspiration. True, I am giving up 6+ months of my normal life in a itty-bitty way, but he is completely giving up his life for six months.

Please, please visit this site. I cannot tell you how encouraging it is to read about someone who is still, after a long, horrible journey, dedicated and focused about his path.

http://www.thefatmanwalking.com/

"Walking across America to lose weight and regain my life!"

I FOUND IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 

Fraggle Rock Theme Song

I have been pestering you people for a number of years to "sing me the Fraggle Rock theme!"

WELL I FOUND IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am just not cool enough to know how to save it, so you can link on it immediately from my blog page. But here is the link. Also has oldies but goodies like the themes from "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles", "Clarissa Explains it All" and "Hey Dude"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.immoderation.com/bitchinblog

GENERATION Y?

I received this email this morning from Z's 15 year old daughter. Although it nice to see that a group of teen girls no longer pass bitchy, snide and ruthless comments back and forth, and instead participate in congratulatory, motivational speak, I worry.

You read it and tell me. I find it indicative of this particular generations' demand for perfection. It doesn't exist, kiddos. Are GENERATION Y the new Baby Boomers? Obsessed with luxe and excess? Will they have a Zen-like nervous breakdown in their early 30s, when they realize it just doesn't work out that way?

From Generation Y'ers' email:

Subject: Fw: A Woman's Worth

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question, "What kind of man are you looking for?"

She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asking. "Do you really want to know?

Reluctantly, he said, "Yes."

She began to expound... As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can't do for myself. Ipay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man. I am in the position to ask, "What can you bring to the table?"

The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money. She quickly corrected his thought and stated, "I am not referring to money. I need something more."
I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life."

He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain. She said, "I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man." I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked ... believers mixed with unbelievers (whatever your belief is) is a recipe for disaster. I need a man who is striving for perfection financially because I don't need a financial burden. I am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded. I am looking for someone who I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive...he just has to be worthy. God made woman to be a helpmate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself.

When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face.
He said, "You're asking a lot."

She replied, "I'm worth a lot."

By the way, did I say "FU$K BEING SUBMISSIVE!" ????

TRUE NEWS: MY PMS MELTDOWN FOR TODAY

For today's PMS meltdown, I would like to introduce you to the following story from yesterday. From my hometown. Ouch.



www.sfgate.com Return to regular view

Husband, 81, shoots wife, and then himself, at East Bay Kaiser facility - Chuck Squatriglia, Chronicle Staff Writer Thursday, July 7, 2005


12:11 PDT, Walnut Creek -- An 81-year-old Danville man shot his wife in the head as she lay on a bed at Kaiser Hospital in Walnut Creek, then turned the gun on himself, police said this morning.

Donald Edward George was pronounced dead a little more than an hour after the 8:43 p.m. shooting. Betty George was pronounced dead at 5:26 a.m. this morning at the hospital, said the Contra Costa County coroner's office.

The shooting occurred on the hospital's third floor when Donald George visited his wife, who suffered from several major illnesses and recently had been transferred to the hospital from an assisted living care facility in Danville, police said.

Dean Taylor, 43, of Antioch said the shooting occurred in a patient room next door to the room where his wife, Lynda, was staying, and that police told him that a possible murder-suicide had occurred with an elderly couple.

Kaiser spokeswoman Alix Sabin said that no staffers from the medical center were hurt.
"It's a really regrettable situation. People come to a hospital to get healed, not this," Taylor said.

E-mail Chuck Squatriglia at csquatriglia@sfchronicle.com.


MY COMMENTARY: I realized a few days ago that "Million Dollar Baby" will soon be released on DVD. I would like to watch the movie again - the scenes with Eastwood and my girl Swank are really tender. However, I gotta tell you, the end really pissed me off. Somehow my cynical self couldn't handle that take on the story.

Swank's character was stubborn, fiery and determined. What would make you think she would choose that route?

The Danville senior citizens above are the real life story. I wish I could write. I would love to visit this. Was it love? Was it pain - watching your life partner start to slowly disintegrate from illness? He loved her - I betcha a million. But he hurt too badly after... I am sure he knew that he had to end it for her, but his life was meaningless when she was gone.

Nauseating Faux Pas

So I just realized my own absolute idiocy. Note to self:

Next time you send your father an email, especially a forwarded message, please take a look at the language on the email originally sent to you. Your boyfriends' cute pet names for AHEM body parts are not Dad appropriate.

Get a clue, girl.

DO THE TOMKAT!!!!!!!!!

For anyone who will not admit to going to "Rocky Horror Picture Show":

DO THE TOMKAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pee your pants funny - may add this site to my favorites!

http://junkfeud.blogspot.com/2005/06/lets-all-do-tomkat.html

JULY: CELEBRATE UFO AWARENESS MONTH

From the Charleston Gazette (West Virginia):


Group welcomes UFO reports


Editor:I wish to let you and your readers know that MUFON (Mutual UFO Network) has designated July as "UFO Awareness Month." As all West Virginians know, the Mountain State has had its share of sightings. We are home of two major events: the Mothman and Braxton County incidents. Both have been written about extensively, the former being made into a movie.MUFON, established in 1969 as the Mid-West UFO Network, was headquartered in Quincy, Ill., and was a regional group in those days. Today an international organization with offices in Morrison, Colo., having chapters in most states and many countries, makes us the largest UFO research group in the world. With consultants in every division of science and investigators such as myself in the field. MUFON and the UFO community will bring this phenomenon to a resolute conclusion.UFOs have been seen over our state.They continue being sighted to this day.If any of you would like to share an experience with me, feel free to do so at the address listed below:K. David McCormickP.O. Box 11494Charleston, WV 25339

CHAIN E-MAIL - THE BANE OF MY HORMONAL EXISTENCE

I have been avoiding this subject for a blog entry for a few days now. Unfortunately, my curiousity has been completely piqued, and I gotta get it off my chest.

Are any of you lucky enough to receive the cheesy, schmaltzy email forwards from your friends? Usually accompanied by the electronic version of chain mail - "Forward to five of your friends and good luck will follow you!" - these stories are becoming sappier and sappier.

Yes, I am a cynic. I have become jaded about the web because I have discovered that you can find virtually anything you want to know there. Example: The "World Trade Center Virus" scam. Did any of you see that one? Google it, discover how false and absurd it is. The interesting thing about that particular email chain is that it has been submerged and then redistributed around two or three separate times.

So my sappy email in receipt yesterday concerned some kid dead from cancer who had God write a letter to his mom after he died. It was written in some special God invisible ink, so that any other reader would dismiss it as a blank page.

By the time I finished that puppy, I was sobbing like a premenstrual valium junkie in need of carbohydrates. (Well, part of that is true. I am no longer a valium junkie.) Even worse, I read that email very early yesterday morning when I got to work. In the midst of my sniffling and eye rubbing, my favorite Human Resources Manager passes by my desk and says hello. I couldn't turn around, couldn't look her in the eye. I know she heard a sob in my voice. So now I am playing the "everything is just fine you just caught me in the midst of reading some crappy sappy email" game.

MY BIG QUESTION IS: Who the fu&k writes these things? What kind of insane, moronic idiot constructs these horrible situation Hallmark TV movie episodes in their head? Let's imagine:

A heavyset, 40-something woman, wearing red sweatpants and a coffee stained t-shirt, smoking a Vagina Slime (Virginia Slim for those of you left utterly clueless) while sitting at her oak country kitchen table in her kitchen. The kitchen still bears the oak cabinets installed in 1979, with the scalloped edges and fake burn-etch engraving on the fronts. Her wallpaper is newer- her brother Hank hung it in 1992, so it is still not at that "cool because it is old enough to be vintage" date. It is yellow, with big crayoned apples between forest green stripes.

"Becky" - as we shall call her - is on a break between Montel and Young and the Restless. She can't stand the 30 minute local news segment that comes on in between her two favorite shows. She has a laptop computer on the other side of the two person oak dinette - she figures that it makes her feel productive - like a "working woman" - and deflects the fact that she has never had an occupant in the second seat of her table.

So there is my portrait of one of these leeches in our global email network 0f friends. I love having the opportunity to communicate en-masse - especially when my friends are scattered across the planet. This insidious invader constructs these dramadies because her life is filled with only ordinary conflict.

Prove me wrong. Find me a "true story" from a credible source that illustrates how these
sape-mails are indeed non-fiction.

ARE YOU A GREEN POTTER FREAK?

Harry Potter's next book comes out next week. Environmental groups, including the World Wildlife Fund, are encouraging American consumers to forgo purchasing the US version of the book from Scholastic.

Instead, look online and opt for the fully recycled version issued by Raincoast Books. I looked up where you need to go to do this:

http://services.raincoast.com/scripts/b2b.wsc/main.htm.

I am personally a paperback junkie, and have no clue why people bother to buy hardback books. You can't comfortably read them in bed and they make you feel anal retentive about keeping the binding and cover pretty. Besides, Z let me know last night about one of my idiosyncrasies that "doesn't bother me". When he climbs in to bed, he removes my book from underneath his pillow and places it on the bedside table, if he doesn't just chuck it on the floor. I don't think a hardcover would withstand all that movement.

ANYWAY - buy the recycled version. New Age pseudo-fans for the Earth.

10 notables from the past week

Forgive my lack of mirthful thought. I'm kind of in a funk, so I don't feel like I have much to say. I keep daydreaming about my nice, cuddly bed with my favorite pillow and the blanket I stole from Z and won't give back. I should go lay in the tanning bed. I need some sunshine, I think.

A basic list of notables from my past week:

1. Angelina Jolie named her new baby Zahara. She might have just convinced me to not only have more children, but to be pleased if my future children are female.

2. Tom Cruise's kid from "War of the Worlds" is a familiar face. I can't figure out where I have seen him before. Any guidance on this would be appreciated.

3. I made a perfect grade on my last math test. I was kind of proud. I told someone that I should be making perfect grades, I have slept through these classes three or four times in the past. All of my mathematical knowledge was imparted through sombulent osmosis.

4. If I haven't already mentioned it, www.gofugyourself.com is some of the funniest stuff on the web. Specifically go to the catty wenches' posts about Britney Spears. I pee my pants every morning.

5. After almost 5 days away at the cabin, I finally get to see my little girl today. I'm very, very excited. She has been taking swimming lessons, and apparently did really, really well in the lake (Lake Santeetlah if you want reference). She will swim underwater, and swim out for 20 or 30 yards. I'm really proud. I knew I was a fishie - still am, I think: that pisces moon comes in somewhere - but she is swimming much earlier than I ever did. I don't remember being so fearless at FIVE.

6. Chock Full O' Nuts hasn't changed their recipe in the past 10 years or so. When you can't afford the good stuff, it will do just fine.

7. Black N' Tans are pretty good. Not too sweet and not too stout.

8. I've been saving drink recipes for the end of my diet from hell. I've been salivating about alcohol lately....one I would like to recommend is called the Thai Boxer. From the San Francisco Chronicle, contributed by Scott Beattie, bar manager at Cyrus restaurant, Healdsburg.

THAI BOXER

INGREDIENTS:
12 fresh Thai basil leaves (reserve two for garnish)
10 fresh cilantro leaves
10 fresh mint leaves
1 ounce fresh lime juice
1/2 ounce Thai coconut milk
1/2 ounce simple syrup
1/2 ounce Charbay Tahitian Vanilla Bean rum
2 to 3 ounces Cock 'n Bull ginger beer
INSTRUCTIONS:
Tear the cilantro, mint and 10 of the basil leaves into small pieces. Add them to a mixing glass with the lime juice, coconut milk and simple syrup. Grind the torn leaves into the liquid with a wooden muddler for a few seconds. Then add the rum plus enough ice to fill the glass two-thirds full and top with the ginger beer. Stir the ingredients together, strain into an ice-filled Collins glass and add the garnish.

TELL ME THAT DOESN"T SOUND INCREDIBLE.

8. I'm at a 24 lb. weight loss and I am kind of stagnant....not really motivated this week. Yes, all of my Ann Taylor separates are calling.

9. On the cover of Jennifer Weiner's "In Her Shoes" (my going to bed read-again until I recover my Michael Connelly novel from Z's car) she has been proclaimed as the author who brings back chick-lit. I don't want to dispute that - I am anticipating the movie, with Cameron Diaz and Toni Collette - but I am a little dissatisfied.

I like the stories - I actually liked "Good in Bed" more - but I am not sure that they are spun as well as I would like. A great chick lit book takes up residence in my nightstand, for those vulnerable points when I need one like comfort food. I will pull it out, read it, and put it back for a couple of years or so.

Unfortunately, I am not sure I find "In Her Shoes" comfortable enough to do that with. Somehow, it seems a little underdeveloped, a little unsatisfying. Like taking a man to bed after 6 long months of anticipation and discovering the lovemaking is merely satisfactory.

Need some recommendations for truly appetizing chick lit. No Ya-Yas. No romance novels. Complex, smart and funny.

10. Did I mention the Terry McMillan thing yet? Did I tell you about the court docs available at
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0630052astella1.html ?
She lives in the same subdivision my best friend in California lived in....the gay Jamaican from "How Stella Got Her Groove Back" owns a dog grooming salon a block from my old church. Just based on the geographic locale of her home, I am going to be biased and say I believe him.

Read the court docs. You tell me what you think. I see her as a bitter 40 something who easily fell for a boy toy, and now regrets the implications incurred.

Quote for today

Don't consider this a regular segment. I just found a couple that I like, and thought I would share. Discard if the triviality of sharing quotes from famous people strikes you in a banal manner.

"Too often we enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought."
John F. Kennedy

Colorgenics

Find out your mood through this fun site:
www.colorgenics.com/sps


Here is a remarkably accurate take on my mood (you don't really care. Just go find out from some computer program how you are feeling!)


You have always longed for tenderness, love and a sensitivity of feeling into which you would like to blend. You are a very gentle warm person and responsive to 'All things bright and beautiful'. This personifies a caring person, a person who 'needs' and indeed 'needs to be needed'.
You are trying to improve your position and prestige - be it in your life or in your workplace. Things are, at this time, OK - but they could be better. You feel that it is essential that you break down any opposition that could possibly lurk in the shadows. You know that you are quite capable of achieving this set goal because you have to and because it is essential to your self esteem.
At times all of us would like to be like the ostrich - to be able to bury our heads in the sand and let the rest of the world go by, but unfortunately you can't do just that - you have to face up to reality. A little peace and quiet would be most acceptable at this time but if only one could turn a blind eye to the problems of the day! Tomorrow is another day and who knows, it could be 'today' (not tomorrow) that could be the first day of the rest of your life!
Presently, you are experiencing stress because of restriction on your independence. You need and seek respect from other people and it is essential that they appreciate you for yourself and not for what they would like you to be. You have your own beliefs and convictions and you would like to be respected for them. You are anxious to avail yourself of every opportunity that may come your way but nevertheless, come what may, you have the need to control your own destiny without imposed limitations or restrictions.
You wish to be left in peace... no more conflict and no more differences of opinion. In fact you just don't want to be involved in arguments of any shape or form. All you want is for 'them' to get on with it - and to leave you alone.