Let me help

Ouch. One of my oldest GA friends is having a bit of a meltdown. She has her own blog, which I daren't reveal until she tells me it is ok. The problem is, I read her posts, and feel absolutely miserable because it is her voice, in misery, very clearly discussing how unhappy she is.

I just want to be there, to hug her, to hold her, play with her hair and tell her it is okay. She is one of the few girlfriends I have had who I felt comfortable just snuggling in bed with. Some people in this world make you feel "home". You don't really figure it out until you and that person get in your PJs and watch TV together.

She is one of those people. She reminds me of my childhood, going to my best friend's house and watching Nick at Nite while eating Froot Loops from the box. She reminds me of the smell of "Sunflowers" - we wore that crap for way too long. She reminds me of Dr.Pepper flavored Lip Smackers - one of life's true treats.

I hope I can help. I really, really never expected to be a mom and not have her around. When we were young and stupid we said we would own houses next door to eachother, and have a mini commune in suburban Atlanta. I even know the neighborhood we would have bought our houses. These gorgeous, old millworker Victorians were built in the early 1900's, and are amazing. Huge ceilings, tongue and groove flooring, and victory gardens.

Zee and I drive around that neighborhood a lot, and many of the houses are for sale. I know she and I could afford it. They still go for dirt cheap. The lots are big, with well developed gardens. It reminds me of movies of the south - mimosas and porches with ceiling fans.

Come see me, my dearest girlfriend. We'll go hiking and find herbs and ramps, and cook a Southern feast like your Mother once did. We will tie dye onesies for your baby, and drink margaritas while we sunbathe naked in the backyard.

Tomorrow is D-Day, and I am becoming a bit nervous about the whole thing. I was all stoked about the Contender finale rerun that is on tonight ( I missed it last night ) and when I turned the TV on I realized that the finale is on at eleven. This is a bit late. Now I am nervous about watching it until one and attempting to get up at 5. Hmm. I'm getting to old for this stupid anxiety. Surely there are more pressing things to be anxious about.

Oh yeah. How could I forget. One of my lovely professors and I have begun a friendship - chatting, going to lunch and the whole bit. She is trying to get me to work for her attorney. She believes that I need to go to law school. When I explained that the idea of becoming a lawyer is a little noxious right now - seeing that the only attorneys around me are consumed and obsessed with money and other boring material pursuits - she told me that my opinion is just a symptom of my burn out.

Anyway, her attorney is, in her mind, one of the last vestiges of "real people" who still works for a successful firm in a ritzy building in Atlanta. So here is my dilemna:

A. Am I interested in appellate law, specifically researching for applicable briefs and motions?
B. Am I willing to step into the world of litigation, when I have been stuck in the comfort of a corporate environment? (COMFORT? WHAT COMFORT?)
C. This firm expects a great deal of pro bono work, even from non-attorneys. Will I enjoy getting the opportunity to do that and get paid for it?
D. What about wearing stockings every day, and having to allot money for manicures? Right now I have settled into the comfort zone of just clipping my fingernails off.
E. Will working for a small firm bother me?
F. Will traveling for court irritate me?
G. How do I feel about commuting to the city? Although I am commuting ridiculously far, I had always said that my next job would be closer to home.

I am supposed to call tomorrow. Ouch. Lots going on.

Do I have anymore valium, or did I give it all away?

Anxiety 

yum 

Can't chat long - The Contender is on in 20 minutes. I am an absolute addict. I know the neighbors complain when I start hooting and hollering at about 8:45 PM every Sunday. Great show. I will be destroyed if it doesn't get another season.

Spent the weekend with Zee's 15 year old daughter. Realized what a lovely young adult she has turned out to be. She really has lost all of the teenage crap she was pulling before. Teens are like this lost void in our development - completely wrong about everything and absolutely fierce in their desire to figure out on their own that they are wrong. Zee seemed thrilled by her transformation. Let's hope it lasts, and he isn't crushed by her, as usual.

Hmm..what else. We are going to begin the 96 hour "Starvation 2005" countdown, well, in about 10 minutes. I figure I quit eating after my appt. on Thurs, it will be over around 8 PM. So here we go. Someone please remind me I am craving sushi - need to stop at Ru San's for some California rolls on Tuesday on the way to school. It's kind of funny. You would think I would be out hunting down my favorite things to eat, as if I were going to die. Not true. Not really hungry as of late. I guess I am psychologically preparing myself, on a subconscious level, for absolute disinterest.

Off to watch beautiful men kick eachother's ass. I can't think of a better activity while ironing. Charky is a bit scared, though. When I start screaming and waving the hot iron in the air, she looks at me like I am nuts.

Punchball Falls, Oregon 

The Curse of Naa

Oh yeah. I forgot to talk about my conversation with Naa. Zee and I had finally sat down on Wednesday nite, and were prepared for our planned 9 PM scromp. Truly terrible when you have to plan for sex. Your life is ultimately too adult and boring when you can't get your shit together like normal people, and simply roll over at 4 AM and get it on.

Anyway, the phone rings and zee answers, and hands me the phone. The second he handed it over I was pissed, knowing that my scromping date would be f-ed up with a 3 hr. conversation with Naa.

So it was only 2 hrs, and I am whining. Oh well. Naaa has the strangest things happen to him. He had some dream about some woman he knew (very vaguely, of course) who died 10 years ago. She keeps showing up in his dreams and giving him prophecies and the like. Naa wanted to know if he should actively seek out a seance and figure out what she wants.

Now here I am, pissed because I know my shot at nookie is being screwed - by a 6' tall flaming gay man, no less - and I am being consulted about some whacky seance. I was practically sputtering in anger.

Then we get in some conversation about how his wrongful drug charge (only a misdemeanor) was dropped, yet he wants to sue the podunk South GA county that arrested him. Oh Naa. We need to get you back into the city, so you can tutor all the newly landed, young gay fluff about what DRAMA really is. I know their gay experience is somehow lacking without you in their lives. And then I can get my planned nookie like every other boring adult on this planet.

I feel old. I should go to San Fran with my lovely friend Jay. He invited me last month - his sugar daddy takes him every other month on business - and they party and go to yummy male strip clubs (sorely missing here in the South, the luxurious male strip club. They are tasteful and so un lascivious) and hit the raves and act like 20 year olds. I may need this.

Baaah. 

I'm not sure what I should be discussing. I had a pretty strange week, lots of ups and downs emotionally. I think there is just a lot going on, and it is hard for me to keep up when I am internally envisioning myself on a rocking chair, staring at the ocean on a windy day...

I am considering purchasing a property on my block. I didn't really ever think that was a possibility, but the owner is asking for pennies....really. My rent would be cut by a full third. For an investment property, I don't see how you could go wrong. I live in a nice neighborhood with lots of older folks or singles. Very quiet, pretty, and semi-secluded.

I hadn't really thought about purchasing anything anytime soon, but the idea of the owner's price has me in a tizzy. Zee and I were thinking about trying out another city. Charky starts school in August, so we only have a few months to decide where we want to land. I like the school she is enrolled in, but honestly, the idea she will get her education here gives me the willies. I can't believe this city is considered among the best. How sad is that.

I think our stay in the Atlanta area has outwarmed its welcome. We had been exploring a bit...

But let's be realistic. This price being offered is almost 1/4 less than what is offered elsewhere...the owner is trying to retire in Florida. Even if we didn't end up staying here, I know I could either sell it to my parents or get them on the property management bandwagon.

Food for thought.

I think it is pretty funny how every time I am faced with lots of hard choices, my friend "Naa" calls.

For those of you who do not know who I am talking about, Naa is a six foot, six inch tall flamboyant gay man from South GA, who is on the new age path of wiccanism pseudo asian studies. Very, very charismatic, and ridiculously irritating, Naa is great for entertainment. Most of the time I spent with him was very long ago, prior to marriage and babies. Naa provided a party pad in the city for me to land at when I had been out clubbing for too long. Naa provided neighbors that were entertaining all on their own - a transvestite who you could not tell was one, and a little mini Hawaiian/Filipino drag queen who moonlighted as a security specialist for millionaires.

Anyway, Naa moved from midtown around 7 or 8 years ago, and has been bopping back and forth from Hilton Head, Ft. Myers, and his mother's little house in BFE South GA. He only calls me when he is distressed about something, and always when I need his new age expertise. Naa is far from egocentric - he is more monocentric.

But he has been calling. I haven't answered the phone because I know I will end up in a 2 hour conversation where I end up yelling at him for falling in love with some stupid 19 year old boy toy. Maybe I need to answer the phone. He usually gives me some crazy prophetic sentence that he has no idea is so amazing, and usually puts me in an introspective blur for a good month.

So I haven't blogged in over 3 weeks. Not my fault - didn't bother to set aside time to download my picture driver for blogger. Somehow, writing without being able to post my pics seems useless.

What have I been up to? Not sure where the universe is right now, but I have been met with lots of funny little surprises lately.

My dorkass ex husband is actually turning into a good guy. On Sunday, (Mother's Day) I was surreptitiously thinking about the last time we fought. He had told me how upset it made him for us to fight about such stupid, petty crap. I was thinking, "well he actually turned out to have a heart. We really were much better when we were just friends (well, Fu&$-buddies...neither he or I were interested in anything serious, just wanted the sex part taken care of). While I am pondering this, my phone rings. Cee called to wish me "Happy Mother's Day". How sweet is that? Normal exes, like zee, hate eachother, and don't bother to acknowledge the other parent's incredible parenting skills. Cee was nice enough to really mean it.

Then today I get home from a long, long day. Baby girl was put into time out at pre-k because she used the "F" Bomb. I walk through the door, and there, next to the couch, is a big bouquet of flowers from Cee, wishing me "Happy Mother's Day" again.

I told Zee that I had received flowers more this year than I think I ever have. Even when I was doing stage fulltime I don't remember this kind of gift giving. Zee said that more people really like me than I will ever know. I told him that was absolutely silly, no one really knows what an incredible bitch I am. Zee said, " I know, but you have a certain way of being a bitch in a real way. You aren't so delusional that you don't realize when you are wrong. You apologize well, and show love when you know people need it."

Wow. That is sure lovey. YAY! Hug you all.

On the starvation diet front:

Starvation diet officially begins May 29th. Wish me luck. I have a feeling this is going to be one crazy ride. I have no idea how it is going to feel giving up solid food for 6 months. I am not afraid, and I don't have a problem envisioning the amount of willpower I am going to need. My problem is envisioning the self I think I may become.

I have become so used to not feeling part of my physical self, that the idea that I might return to my own mental picture of me is kind of confusing. Habits are long processes that develop over time. I figure I have spent the past 6 years avoiding mirrors, cameras, and clothing. It seems scary to think that I will soon be able to look in the mirror and see the "me" that is in my head.

There has been something truly empowering about no longer considering your physical being with vanity. I learned a long time ago that I had to only think about the me inside my head, not what was presented to the world. I think that was the only mechanism I had for coping. I couldn't face the reality that I was absolutely helpless and out of control with my body, after having been something totally different (very beautiful and very vain).

Anyway, the empowerment came from the simplicity. I had so many things to push that came from a deeper place inside - my thoughts, my creativity...I wasn't burdened by the feelings of insecurity or vanity that plague others. I simply did not think of that physical side at all. After all, the physical body that others saw wasn't really me - it was some grotesque karmic plot from the universe. I truly believe that I was given this challenge as a lesson.

We are meant to appreciate what we are given, but when we begin to be absorbed with our gifts, they are no longer gifts. They are burdens. We cannot love wholly or completely when we are so inanely placed in such a banal place. Our physical being is the part that doesn't go anywhere when we die- it is the goofy, temporary sphere our soul resides in.

I keep reminding myself that the moment I forget this lesson learned, my world will crash upon me again. I cannot afford to judge - either myself or others. My lesson was this also: you have absolutely no idea how amazingly beautiful that soul is in the body next to you. May not appear to be much, but the person within has love, and grace, and humility. I think Cee taught me that also. What you see absolutely does not reflect what resides within. I always mistakenly thought that people who were not physically blessed had character flaws. Evil thought, really. I guess when you come from a family of intensely beautiful people you may be more prone to such pathetic vanity.

So wish me happy thoughts, please. I promise to be a better person. I cannot afford to go through the rest of my life in either bad place: The first, being a vain, soulless creature. The second, being lost in some abyss where the physical body has no presence.

And just because I have been jonesing, here is another pic. Big Sur. Isn't that pretty. On a day like that, you can hear the sea lions barking out in the distance. 

They both are beautiful. I love the look on her face. I know that smile - she does that when she is on the verge of happy tears. 

Happy Anniversary