"Anywhere But Here" Turns 2!!!

Folks, it's been a long two years, hasn't it? What happened to us?

- Upon having meaningless sex with a sexy latin lover in camos, I complimented Steven Tyler on his ass.. http://anywherebut.blogspot.com/2004_11_01_anywherebut_archive.html"

- I got kicked out of a mexican place after drinking too much tequila and yelling at my mother and sister... http://anywherebut.blogspot.com/2004_12_01_anywherebut_archive.html

- Got obsessed with Great White Shark diving...http://anywherebut.blogspot.com/2005_01_01_anywherebut_archive.html

- Finally understood why all men love Bruce Campbell movies... http://anywherebut.blogspot.com/2005_02_01_anywherebut_archive.html


- Discovered "Mr. Medical Researcher" man who thoroughly pissed me off for an entire month, even whilst he was professing his love for me...http://anywherebut.blogspot.com/2005_03_01_anywherebut_archive.html

- Wrote a paper about how pulling decongestants off the shelves is really a government conspiracy - meth isn't made from your stupid little sudafed box...http://anywherebut.blogspot.com/2005_04_01_anywherebut_archive.html

- Ruminated on the difficulties of being friends with Naa "a six foot, six inch tall flamboyant gay man from South GA, who is on the new age path of wiccanism pseudo asian studies"...http://anywherebut.blogspot.com/2005_05_01_anywherebut_archive.htm

- Declared war on Pale Blue Dot and discussed why nerds make better lovers...http://anywherebut.blogspot.com/2005_06_01_anywherebut_archive.html

- Got all freaky and egocentric and wrote "100 Things About Me"...http://anywherebut.blogspot.com/2005_07_01_anywherebut_archive.html

- Had all these bloggers contact me, from both sides, representing or hating Stephanie Klein, after I wrote why I hate her. Bored people without a homeless person to feed, I suppose...http://anywherebut.blogspot.com/2005_08_01_anywherebut_archive.html

- Published California's Divorce Letter to the U.S...http://anywherebut.blogspot.com/2005_09_01_anywherebut_archive.html

- Tried to encourage readers to join the "Christopher Walken for President" movement...http://anywherebut.blogspot.com/2005_10_01_anywherebut_archive.html

- Located the best "Best Jerry Maguire Mission Statement for Bloggers" ...http://anywherebut.blogspot.com/2005_11_01_anywherebut_archive.html

- Discovered Seligman's Positive Psychology movement, and thought I found my calling...http://anywherebut.blogspot.com/2005_12_01_anywherebut_archive.html

- Discovered that conferences are the new white-collar hookup spot...http://anywherebut.blogspot.com/2006_01_01_anywherebut_archive.html

- Tried to pimp myself out, to no avail, in "TRICK ME OUT, BITCHES! I CAN FIND SHIT!"...http://anywherebut.blogspot.com/2006_02_01_anywherebut_archive.html

- More evidence discovered that substantiates why I hate Los Angeles...http://anywherebut.blogspot.com/2006_03_01_anywherebut_archive.html

- Decided that the CRITTERSVILLE WAL-MART IS CONSPIRING WITH THE CHRISTIAN COALITION...http://anywherebut.blogspot.com/2006_04_01_anywherebut_archive.html

- Found "60 sites in 60 minutes", the "Abortion isn't Murder Flowchart" and other useless fun on the web...http://anywherebut.blogspot.com/2006_05_01_anywherebut_archive.html

- In honor of Atlanta's Gay Pride 2006, I gave you:

"SEX IN CHRIST! SEXUALITY ACCORDING TO THE WORD OF GOD ...http://anywherebut.blogspot.com/2006_06_01_anywherebut_archive.html

- Got locked up in the loony bin and declared a bipolar alcoholic...http://anywherebut.blogspot.com/2006_07_01_anywherebut_archive.html"

AND THERE IS PLENTY MORE.
It sure has been fun, y'all. Here's to another crazy/fun 2 years. I'm looking forward to it.




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Dysfunctional Thanksgiving Dinners - A Top Ten List

Very apropos. The New York Times has an article today titled "Pass a Drumstick, and an Olive Branch", describing Thanksgiving Dinner horror stories. Face it - we avoid our family all year long, and then expect us to get together and be reasonable on a super charged family holiday. Recipe for disaster, I say.

So, in keeping with the theme "Dysfunctional Thanksgiving Dinners" I present this list.

SNEWO's TOP TEN DYSFUNCTIONAL THANKSGIVING DINNERS - A CLASSIC FAMILY COMEDY

10. In 2006, Snewo's family doesn't have the traditional Thanksgiving locale - her parent's house is still under construction. In keeping with her parent's snobby affectations, the family refuses to come to her house for dinner.

9. In 1988, Snewo's mother prepares food for a large AA club in upper Los Angeles. She spends 6 hours cooking over 75 lbs of mashed potatoes, serves the potatoes to the bikers (with a Martha Stewart smile) then hides in her bedroom for the rest of Thanksgiving Day.

8. In 1990, Snewo's family has Thanksgiving Dinner with Granny Goose. She prepares her famous seven-layer-bean-dip, overcooked turkey, and "dressing". Then proceeds to "sneak a peep" of vodka out of the cabinet under the kitchen sink. Drunken Granny ensures an exciting dinner, with plenty of foul language and bitching, whilst chainsmoking.

7. In 2004, Snewo, Older Dysfunctional Middle-Child Sister, and Mother proceed to get drunk prior to dinner. Whilst hiding the alcohol from Dad, and his AA member friends who have come to a "sober Thanksgiving dinner". Hilarity ensues.

6. Adding further to the antics of 2004, two guests have a heated discussion about the recent George Bush win. Ultra-liberal alcoholic eccentric in $4 thrift-store suit argues vehemently with conservative, devil's advocate playing Romanian/South Philly tough-guy turned hardwood floor installer. Thrift Store suit-wearing alcoholic disappears in a huff during dessert, and sqeeals the tires of his '82 Toyota down the hill of the silent suburbian subdivision. Drunken laughter from kitchen begins.

5. 1991 - Snewo's family in full-throttle of family dysfunction. Alcoholic, workaholic father in counseling with mother after cheating on her in a drunken haze. Rebellious middle-child sister at dinner after attempting suicide 2 weeks before. Brother recently signed up for the Navy to get himself out of this freaky family. Smallest Snewo child in midst of one of many childhood depressions. Family refuses to speak during dinner, except to comment on the turkey. Snewo begins firing spoonfuls of mashed potatoes at Big Brother, who grabs her, turns her upside down, and runs around the house with her feet in hand, swinging Snewo around. Snewo throws up Thanksgiving dinner.

4. 2000 - One of Charky's first Thanksgiving. Has already learned the word "NO". Refuses to eat anything except for 8 deviled eggs, which she neatly circles on her dinner plate. Eats every single one, then proceeds to run around the hardwood-floored house at top speed, yelling "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA".

3. 2001- One of the last Thanksgiving Dinners with Granny Goose. Snewo's then-husband, C, super-redneck man, proceeds to spend 5 minutes at the crystal/candlelit dinner table describing his love for booty. Granny tries to interrupt, and Husband asks, "You like booty, don't you Grandma?". Granny pauses. "Everyone likes booty, don't they?" Table erupts, people choking with laughter.

2. 2003 - Snewo, best friend, and current boyfriend, all strung-out on a three month long meth binge, attend Thanksgiving lunch at Snewo's best-friend's house, with Best Friend's little sister and boyfriend. Little Sister's boyfriend and Snewo's boyfriend were friends of 15 years, but are no longer speaking due to a meth-related argument. Sit silently, staring at eachother, across the dinner table. Meth-addled boyfriend on verge of violence every minute. Snewo and other meth addled attendants try hard to eat a real Southern Thanksgiving, where every food is mushed to a puree and baked in a casserole pan. Best friend's mother concerned because Snewo keeps pushing food around the plate and doesn't eat. Lots of cigarette breaks and meth-chatter keep the dinner nice and anxiety-filled.

1. 2003 - Snewo, best friend, and current boyfriend are also expected at Snewo's parents for 6 PM dinner. Best friend and current boyfriend are too meth-high to attend, and also sick from what they did eat at Thanksgiving lunch. Snewo, after snorting a few more lines, goes to dinner where mother is pissed off because she can't eat. Still. Snewo proceeds to get harangued for the next few years, and is no longer allowed to attend other people's Thanksgiving dinners, by order of the Mother.


That's it, people. I hope to add to the list soon. Have a great Thanksgiving, and remember - it's just dinner.



This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 2.5 License.

Dysfunctional Thanksgiving Dinners - A Top Ten List

Very apropos. The New York Times has an article today titled "Pass a Drumstick, and an Olive Branch", describing Thanksgiving Dinner horror stories. Face it - we avoid our family all year long, and then expect us to get together and be reasonable on a super charged family holiday. Recipe for disaster, I say.

So, in keeping with the theme "Dysfunctional Thanksgiving Dinners" I present this list.

SNEWO's TOP TEN DYSFUNCTIONAL THANKSGIVING DINNERS - A CLASSIC FAMILY COMEDY

10. In 2006, Snewo's family doesn't have the traditional Thanksgiving locale - her parent's house is still under construction. In keeping with her parent's snobby affectations, the family refuses to come to her house for dinner.

9. In 1988, Snewo's mother prepares food for a large AA club in upper Los Angeles. She spends 6 hours cooking over 75 lbs of mashed potatoes, serves the potatoes to the bikers (with a Martha Stewart smile) then hides in her bedroom for the rest of Thanksgiving Day.

8. In 1990, Snewo's family has Thanksgiving Dinner with Granny Goose. She prepares her famous seven-layer-bean-dip, overcooked turkey, and "dressing". Then proceeds to "sneak a peep" of vodka out of the cabinet under the kitchen sink. Drunken Granny ensures an exciting dinner, with plenty of foul language and bitching, whilst chainsmoking.

7. In 2004, Snewo, Older Dysfunctional Middle-Child Sister, and Mother proceed to get drunk prior to dinner. Whilst hiding the alcohol from Dad, and his AA member friends who have come to a "sober Thanksgiving dinner". Hilarity ensues.

6. Adding further to the antics of 2004, two guests have a heated discussion about the recent George Bush win. Ultra-liberal alcoholic eccentric in $4 thrift-store suit argues vehemently with conservative, devil's advocate playing Romanian/South Philly tough-guy turned hardwood floor installer. Thrift Store suit-wearing alcoholic disappears in a huff during dessert, and sqeeals the tires of his '82 Toyota down the hill of the silent suburbian subdivision. Drunken laughter from kitchen begins.

5. 1991 - Snewo's family in full-throttle of family dysfunction. Alcoholic, workaholic father in counseling with mother after cheating on her in a drunken haze. Rebellious middle-child sister at dinner after attempting suicide 2 weeks before. Brother recently signed up for the Navy to get himself out of this freaky family. Smallest Snewo child in midst of one of many childhood depressions. Family refuses to speak during dinner, except to comment on the turkey. Snewo begins firing spoonfuls of mashed potatoes at Big Brother, who grabs her, turns her upside down, and runs around the house with her feet in hand, swinging Snewo around. Snewo throws up Thanksgiving dinner.

4. 2000 - One of Charky's first Thanksgiving. Has already learned the word "NO". Refuses to eat anything except for 8 deviled eggs, which she neatly circles on her dinner plate. Eats every single one, then proceeds to run around the hardwood-floored house at top speed, yelling "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA".

3. 2001- One of the last Thanksgiving Dinners with Granny Goose. Snewo's then-husband, C, super-redneck man, proceeds to spend 5 minutes at the crystal/candlelit dinner table describing his love for booty. Granny tries to interrupt, and Husband asks, "You like booty, don't you Grandma?". Granny pauses. "Everyone likes booty, don't they?" Table erupts, people choking with laughter.

2. 2003 - Snewo, best friend, and current boyfriend, all strung-out on a three month long meth binge, attend Thanksgiving lunch at Snewo's best-friend's house, with Best Friend's little sister and boyfriend. Little Sister's boyfriend and Snewo's boyfriend were friends of 15 years, but are no longer speaking due to a meth-related argument. Sit silently, staring at eachother, across the dinner table. Meth-addled boyfriend on verge of violence every minute. Snewo and other meth addled attendants try hard to eat a real Southern Thanksgiving, where every food is mushed to a puree and baked in a casserole pan. Best friend's mother concerned because Snewo keeps pushing food around the plate and doesn't eat. Lots of cigarette breaks and meth-chatter keep the dinner nice and anxiety-filled.

1. 2003 - Snewo, best friend, and current boyfriend are also expected at Snewo's parents for 6 PM dinner. Best friend and current boyfriend are too meth-high to attend, and also sick from what they did eat at Thanksgiving lunch. Snewo, after snorting a few more lines, goes to dinner where mother is pissed off because she can't eat. Still. Snewo proceeds to get harangued for the next few years, and is no longer allowed to attend other people's Thanksgiving dinners, by order of the Mother.


That's it, people. I hope to add to the list soon. Have a great Thanksgiving, and remember - it's just dinner.



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What I'm Grateful For on a Sunday Evening

Part of my new project - saying aloud what I am grateful for so that I'm not always concentrating on the shit.

1. I'm cooking again, and it makes me really happy. I'm grateful for having the energy, curiousity, and creativity to want to play in the kitchen. I'm doing the 21 lb. bird this year...and making sweet potato casserole...and lemon pecan biscotti...and my christmas cookie baking extravaganza begins on Black Friday.

2. My daughter and I are having a pretty good time together. I'm grateful for having the patience to be less critical with her, to take time to listen. Today we talked about metaphors...she liked saying that Granpa's new dog is like an elephant.

3. I finished most of my final assignments for this stinking statistics class. I've had a really bad attitude about it, and I'm grateful for having the interest, the discipline, the attention span to actually try and pull this thing together.

4. My sweet little mouse kitty has turned into a super lovie lately. I'm grateful I had patience with him, even when he was biting and scratching and hissing at me.

5. I took a 5 character strengths test, and despite my surprise at the results, I was temperate enough to leave it alone for a day before I went back and looked at it further. Today it doesn't seem so surprising, because I had the temperance and discipline to give it a day to sink in.

6. Z and I are having great sex again. I'm grateful for having my sex drive back. Finally.

7. I've been pretty crafty lately...and have constructed two different xmas ornaments. I'm grateful for creativity...and my inability to be bored.

8. I keep sending my resume, hoping someone will finally bite. The fish are sleeping, I guess. Anyway, I'm grateful for my optimism/temperance - it's bound to happen sooner or later. I'm grateful I know that it isn't in my hands.

9. I love my new furry legwarmers. I'm grateful I had an extra dollar to spend.

10. I put together my best friend's birthday presents, and am going to mail them this week. I'm grateful my memory for important dates is finally returning.



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The Authentic Happiness "VIA Signature Strengths Test"

On the advice of the shrink, I took the Authentic Happiness 'Via Signature Strengths" test, available at www.authentichappiness.com. Here is what they came up with....and I think I really needed to know. When you are unhappy, it's hard to come up with the positives...

Snewo's Top Five Strengths

Your Top Strength
Curiosity and interest in the world
You are curious about everything. You are always asking questions, and you find all subjects and topics fascinating. You like exploration and discovery.

Your Second Strength
Appreciation of beauty and excellence
You notice and appreciate beauty, excellence, and/or skilled performance in all domains of life, from nature to art to mathematics to science to everyday experience.

Your Third Strength
Bravery and valor
You are a courageous person who does not shrink from threat, challenge, difficulty, or pain. You speak up for what is right even if there is opposition. You act on your convictions.

Your Fourth Strength
Fairness, equity, and justice
Treating all people fairly is one of your abiding principles. You do not let your personal feelings bias your decisions about other people. You give everyone a chance.

Your Fifth Strength
Gratitude
You are aware of the good things that happen to you, and you never take them for granted. Your friends and family members know that you are a grateful person because you always take the time to express your thanks.

And the Other Strengths, in order:


Strength#6
Humor and playfulness
You like to laugh and tease. Bringing smiles to other people is important to you. You try to see the light side of all situations.

Strength#7
Creativity, ingenuity, and originality
Thinking of new ways to do things is a crucial part of who you are. You are never content with doing something the conventional way if a better way is possible.

Strength#8
Judgment, critical thinking, and open-mindedness
Thinking things through and examining them from all sides are important aspects of who you are. You do not jump to conclusions, and you rely only on solid evidence to make your decisions. You are able to change your mind.

Strength#9
Kindness and generosity
You are kind and generous to others, and you are never too busy to do a favor. You enjoy doing good deeds for others, even if you do not know them well.

Strength#10
Leadership
You excel at the tasks of leadership: encouraging a group to get things done and preserving harmony within the group by making everyone feel included. You do a good job organizing activities and seeing that they happen.

Strength#11
Love of learning
You love learning new things, whether in a class or on your own. You have always loved school, reading, and museums-anywhere and everywhere there is an opportunity to learn.

Strength#12
Forgiveness and mercy
You forgive those who have done you wrong. You always give people a second chance. Your guiding principle is mercy and not revenge.

Strength#13
Honesty, authenticity, and genuineness
You are an honest person, not only by speaking the truth but by living your life in a genuine and authentic way. You are down to earth and without pretense; you are a "real" person.

Strength#14
Perspective (wisdom)
Although you may not think of yourself as wise, your friends hold this view of you. They value your perspective on matters and turn to you for advice. You have a way of looking at the world that makes sense to others and to yourself.

Strength#15
Social intelligence
You are aware of the motives and feelings of other people. You know what to do to fit in to different social situations, and you know what to do to put others at ease.

Strength#16
Spirituality, sense of purpose, and faith
You have strong and coherent beliefs about the higher purpose and meaning of the universe. You know where you fit in the larger scheme. Your beliefs shape your actions and are a source of comfort to you.

Strength#17
Capacity to love and be loved
You value close relations with others, in particular those in which sharing and caring are reciprocated. The people to whom you feel most close are the same people who feel most close to you.

Strength#18
Hope, optimism, and future-mindedness
You expect the best in the future, and you work to achieve it. You believe that the future is something that you can control.

Strength#19
Citizenship, teamwork, and loyalty
You excel as a member of a group. You are a loyal and dedicated teammate, you always do your share, and you work hard for the success of your group.

Strength#20
Zest, enthusiasm, and energy
Regardless of what you do, you approach it with excitement and energy. You never do anything halfway or halfheartedly. For you, life is an adventure.

Strength#21
Caution, prudence, and discretion
You are a careful person, and your choices are consistently prudent ones. You do not say or do things that you might later regret.

Strength#22
Modesty and humility
You do not seek the spotlight, preferring to let your accomplishments speak for themselves. You do not regard yourself as special, and others recognize and value your modesty.

Strength#23
Industry, diligence, and perseverance
You work hard to finish what you start. No matter the project, you "get it out the door" in timely fashion. You do not get distracted when you work, and you take satisfaction in completing tasks.

Strength#24
Self-control and self-regulation
You self-consciously regulate what you feel and what you do. You are a disciplined person. You are in control of your appetites and your emotions, not vice versa.











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I now know which Nicole Kidman character I am. Egad.

Z hates Nicole Kidman. I can't say I agree, I actually liked "Eyes Wide Shut". And I'm proud of her for hanging in there for her contractual term with Tom. I'm sure her sanity was tested every waking moment.

So here is the Nicole Kidman character I am. I've never heard of this movie and have no clue what this is supposed to mean. Stupid quizzes.

Which NICOLE KIDMAN Character Are You?

"Diane Arbus" in FURYou're a creative super freak and a true trailblazer. Good for you for embracing your curiousity. But do try and maintain your sanity whilst living on the edge. It's a highwire act.
Take this quiz!








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Join

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Whoopeee!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vo7Sng5Jeb0



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A visit to the genitalia reproduction factory

I love San Francisco. Just yesterday I tried to explain to Z and beautiful best-friend (mini-dwarfen marine boy who looks like Tobey Maguire) that the former "Chamber" in Atlanta didn't have sh#t on San Francisco's Tenderloin.

Today, in the San Francisco Chronicle, a journalist visits the supreme dildo factory of all time. This dildo factory not only makes the most realistic feeling toys known to man (unlike that made in china synthetic crap) but generously compensates employees with nice wages and great benefits. Somebody give me a job, dammit.

Read and enjoy - A visit to the dildo factory.

"Violet and the Dildo Factory" by Violet Blue.
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2006/11/09/violetblue.DTL




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Borat - Funniest Movie of All Time

So my sweetness and light, Z, took me to a 10:35 matinee yesterday for Borat. I hadn't had breakfast yet, but I ate a little carton of popcorn with a little diet coke. I had made sure to use the restroom right before the movie....

And freaking Borat made me pee all over the movie seat. I'm not ashamed. I laughed so hard I peed. Cleanup afterward was a little embarrassing, but I didn't care. Those heathens watching Borat on a Sunday morning don't bother me.

Well worth the movie ticket price, and I may go back and see it a couple more times. Abso-freaking-lutely hysterical.




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Snewo & Charky's Way Yummo Smoothie Recipe

My kid is great. Last night, she said, "Mommy, I want a smoothie for dinner. Can we make a smoothie?"

I was totally in the mood because I ate crappy on Saturday...so we made the most awesome smoothie just off the top of our heads. While eating it (with a spoon, nice frozen yogurt consistency) Charky told me to write the recipe down.

So here it is.

Snewo & Charky's Way Yummo Smoothie Recipe

1 banana, in chunks
1 pear, in chunks, very little skin
1 carrot, in slices
1 heaping spoonful (like soup spoon size) peanut butter
1 heaping spoonful (soup spoon size) flax seed, the smushed up kind
1 scoop of vanilla protein powder (any brand, mine's from Costco)
2 tbl. vanilla extract (because my protein powder isn't very vanilllaey)
1 cup plain (sour) yogurt
1/3 - 1/2 cup splenda
10 oz. glassful of ice cubes.

Blend. Serve. Tha Bomb diggity.






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Aliens

Plot-O-Matic

Okay, so Yahoo! says that November is National Novel Writing Month. I was interested because I had one hell of a dream last night - the stuff movies are made of. Read Yahoo!'s bit about this novel thingie. http://dir.yahoo.com/thespark/3750/get-ready-to-write

Anyway, Yahoo! also sent me to the plot-o-matic. Do the plot-o-matic thingie and you can send in your screenplay ideas to Hollywood moguls. Soon they will deposit *8 gazillion dollars in your checking account and you can move to Barbados.

http://www.maddogproductions.com/plotomatic.htm

Check it.




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Little mental prayer

I'm a confessed buddhist, which doesn't really lend itself to the belief in an old, gray-haired man in robes who resides in the clouds in a place called heaven. However, I read this prayer today and I was touched. I need more prayer in my life, just to keep me on even keel.

Supposedly this is the prayer of St. Francis, who I only know because people bury him in their yard when they want to sell their house. I actually think he didn't sell his own home, so I'm a little confused about the significance. And as I didn't pay much attention in my own sunday school experiences (except for the good parts, Bathsheba falling out of the window; Jesus telling the disciples to pay less attention to what happens after death, more attention to this life) I don't know who St. Francis was or what he did or how he sold his house. Help from Catholics needed.

Anyway, as I digress like usual, here is the prayer.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace, Where there is hatred, let me sow love;where there is injury, pardon;where there is doubt, faith;where there is despair, hope;where there is darkness, light;where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

( Oh yeah - St. Francis was the animal guy. I like that. )




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