Thursday, August 30, 2012

The Incredible Vanishing Woman...Reappears

You're either lucky or you aren't. Recent circumstances had left me considering deleting this blog altogether. I did a few edits, and instead, here I am posting again...3+ years later.

You see, I'm embarrassed about the person revealed in these blog posts. Even worse, I'm embarrassed about the person I've become 3+ years since my last post.

In my profile text, I discussed going through a mid-life identity crisis. Seems like a whole different person ago, but it's all probably true. However, after my last post in 2009 I had a full-scale psychological meltdown (It was Valentine's Day, 2010). Like, having to re-learn how to walk, talk, eat, and behave like a normal human being. I can only compare it to a stroke. Having a psychotic break may be the scariest event of my life thus far. So I won't be so haphazard about discussing "crises" or "breakdowns" any longer. Because nothing compares to that 2010 break.

2.5 years later, and I'm still scarred. My life hasn't ever really returned to "normal". I've made big strides...I actually started earning money again last year (very not-permanent basis, and very part-time). But I'm still not the same. Just kind of eking by, day by day, trying to re-learn how to have a life that is bearable. It's a work in progress.

Some things were different after this crazy-train break. I had quit being suicidal when I was depressed. After an event like that, you can't help but be optimistic...there's nowhere else to go but up. And I couldn't ever contemplate being sunk that low again, because the low was that scary to me.

I'm now a believer in a lot of things I never really tried before. Less stress, because anxiety fuels my mania and subsequent depressive episodes. Being honest all the time, but also knowing when to realize that "this is just a mood", and that the things I say are swayed by my moods. So I'm more careful about expressing myself temperately.

Finding my daily sweet spot is also a necessity. That place or that moment each day where you feel blissful, calm, and nourished. May sound stupid, but mine is in my baby pool, out in the sun with a book. The days are growing colder now, so I need to find a new place.

That's all for now. I need to be writing. I'm ambivalent about whether I'm glad to be back on here. In my next post, I'll try to illuminate the place I've been in lately...the place that brought me back here, writing.
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