The Incredible Vanishing Woman...Reappears

You're either lucky or you aren't. Recent circumstances had left me considering deleting this blog altogether. I did a few edits, and instead, here I am posting again...3+ years later.

You see, I'm embarrassed about the person revealed in these blog posts. Even worse, I'm embarrassed about the person I've become 3+ years since my last post.

In my profile text, I discussed going through a mid-life identity crisis. Seems like a whole different person ago, but it's all probably true. However, after my last post in 2009 I had a full-scale psychological meltdown (It was Valentine's Day, 2010). Like, having to re-learn how to walk, talk, eat, and behave like a normal human being. I can only compare it to a stroke. Having a psychotic break may be the scariest event of my life thus far. So I won't be so haphazard about discussing "crises" or "breakdowns" any longer. Because nothing compares to that 2010 break.

2.5 years later, and I'm still scarred. My life hasn't ever really returned to "normal". I've made big strides...I actually started earning money again last year (very not-permanent basis, and very part-time). But I'm still not the same. Just kind of eking by, day by day, trying to re-learn how to have a life that is bearable. It's a work in progress.

Some things were different after this crazy-train break. I had quit being suicidal when I was depressed. After an event like that, you can't help but be optimistic...there's nowhere else to go but up. And I couldn't ever contemplate being sunk that low again, because the low was that scary to me.

I'm now a believer in a lot of things I never really tried before. Less stress, because anxiety fuels my mania and subsequent depressive episodes. Being honest all the time, but also knowing when to realize that "this is just a mood", and that the things I say are swayed by my moods. So I'm more careful about expressing myself temperately.

Finding my daily sweet spot is also a necessity. That place or that moment each day where you feel blissful, calm, and nourished. May sound stupid, but mine is in my baby pool, out in the sun with a book. The days are growing colder now, so I need to find a new place.

That's all for now. I need to be writing. I'm ambivalent about whether I'm glad to be back on here. In my next post, I'll try to illuminate the place I've been in lately...the place that brought me back here, writing.

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This economy sure has me in the downs, and for the first time I'm not down for selfish reasons.

I'm amazed at how many of my online friends (facebook, myspace, bloggers)are in a really dark place right now. There seems to be this deep emotional ennui across the country; everyone seems to be going through terrible times - and not just financially. Relationship problems, addiction, you name it. These issues are going around like wildfire.

I'm concerned by the quiet desperation I'm hearing from my fellow technophiles. I wish I could help, and the only way I know how is to offer support. It doesn't seem like enough.




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The Heart of the Matter

A friend recommended these lyrics to me today. I need to remember them...

I got the call today, I didnt wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old, true friend

of ours was talkin on the phone
She said youd found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside loves open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?
Im learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, Im learning again
Ive been tryin to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you dont love me anymore
These times are so uncertain
Theres a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?
The trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
Theyre the very things - we kill I guess
Pride and competition
Cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us
You know it doesnt keep me warm
Im learning to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
And the more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought Id figured out
I have to learn again
Ive been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you dont love me anymore
There are people in your life whove come and gone
They let you down you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby; life goes on
You keep carryin that anger; itll eat you up inside, baby
Ive been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thought seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you dont love me
Ive been tryin to get down
To the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So Im thinkin about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you dont love me
Forgiveness
Forgiveness - baby
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, you dont love me anymore
Fade



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New Blog - Will Discuss Details Later

I've started a new blog for business purposes - touting my writing skills. Does anyone have any ideas for technical or creative articles I can write to showcase my writing ability?




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Writer's Block: How To Begin Blogging Again

To my faithful readers:

Some of you have commented about my writer's block - I haven't posted as often as I'd like over the past 6 months or so. Fortunately, I think that the writer's block has seemed to dissipate somewhat. I thought I'd share the remedy.

I've begun "blogging for cash" as my husband puts it. No, really. I'm blogging, writing web content, and developing SEO-friendly articles for websites. The pay is helping me pay the bills (just a bit) and the work is keeping me positive. I feel as though I'm doing something meaningful for my household, and I had forgotten how badly I need to write.

Yes, some of the subject matter is crap. But the actual exercise of writing has pushed me to do a lot of writing/thinking about writing...in creative terms.

I just feel better, and I wanted to share my remedy for writer's block. Start writing for money and discover that when you are forced to write the actual exercise makes your brain work differently...writing becomes something that seems second nature versus a chore you don't want to do.




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How to Get a Job During the Depression?

My house is going to be foreclosed and I am making less than 1/2 of what I need to pay the bills. How do I find a job during the depression? How do I make a less than stellar resume seem stellar?

A. I haven't graduated. I can't afford to come up with 3K, and they won't give me my diploma until then. How do I make potential employers understand that I've completed all the coursework but I'm just broke?

B. I've had 3 jobs in 4 years - because all three jobs went out of business. How do you explain that on your resume so that recruiters don't immediately assume you are a job-hopper?

Any thoughts, suggestions, or criticism is more than welcome. Dish it out. I need it all.



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TOP 5 REASONS OBAMA SUPPORTERS SHOULDN'T REST EASY

TOP 5 REASONS OBAMA SUPPORTERS SHOULDN'T REST EASY

1. The polls may be wrong. This is an unprecedented election. No one knows how racism may affect what voters tell pollsters—or what they do in the voting booth. And the polls are narrowing anyway. In the last few days, John McCain has gained ground in most national polls, as his campaign has gone even more negative.

2. Dirty tricks. Republicans are already illegally purging voters from the rolls in some states. They're whipping up hysteria over ACORN to justify more challenges to new voters. Misleading flyers about the voting process have started appearing in black neighborhoods. And of course, many counties still use unsecure voting machines.

3. October surprise. In politics, 15 days is a long time. The next McCain smear could dominate the news for a week. There could be a crisis with Iran, or Bin Laden could release another tape, or worse.

4. Those who forget history... In 2000, Al Gore won the popular vote after trailing by seven points in the final days of the race. In 1980, Reagan was eight points down in the polls in late October and came back to win. Races can shift—fast!

5. Landslide. Even with Barack Obama in the White House, passing universal health care and a new clean-energy policy is going to be hard. Insurance, drug and oil companies will fight us every step of the way. We need the kind of landslide that will give Barack a huge mandate.

If you agree that we shouldn't rest easy, please sign up to volunteer at your local Obama office by clicking here:






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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 2.5 License.

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Ad on Sex Education Distorts Obama Policy

Ad on Sex Education Distorts Obama Policy

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/11/us/politics/11checkpoint.html?bl&ex=1221278400&en=139555dd265b8c71&ei=5087%0A

First these people use the "bridge to nowhere" link that doesn't exist - the lady wanted the stinkin' bridge. (And I can see why 50 people would want to be able get to the mainland with something other than a boat).

Then, they accuse Obama of wanting to teach our Kindergartners sex ed. What a crock of sh#t.

I'm terrified of the Republicans; they come from another planet.



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Your Toffee Bar Beer - But don't drink together, just during Prep

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Toffee Bars

Z loves toffee- specifically heath bars. His birthday was Monday. I made him a toffee cake, which tasted like an old lady cake you enjoy at that old people's buffet. That's what I get for following a recipe from a "you've never heard of us" bed & breakfast.

So I made Toffee Bars last night, and I haven't made a dessert this good in years so I thought I'd share.

TOFFEE BARS

Cook Time: 30ish minutes

Ingredients:

Shortbread Cookie Bottom:
4 ounces butter, softened
1/4 cup sugar
1 cup self-rising flour

Middle Toffee Layer:
4 ounces butter
2 tablespoons sugar
1 can sweetened condensed milk, (14-ounce)
1/4 cup pecans
1/2 teaspoon vanilla

Top Toffee Layer:
4 ounces German sweet chocolate
4 oz. box of Nips Coffee Caramels
2 Heath bars, crushed up
1/4 stick butter

Prep:

Crush up heath bars in a bowl with a knife. I did this while watching 20 minutes of that crappy movie "21", which I still haven't finished. Drink a Leinenkugel's Summer Shandy, and decide to smoke a cigarette. Go outside, and leave the bowl of crushed heath bars on the kitchen table. Smoke. Come back and discover that your Chi-Weenie has eaten half of the heath bars which she managed to spill out of the bowl onto the floor first. Grumble.

Preheat oven to 350F.

Cream 4 ounces butter with 1/4 cup sugar. Blend in flour. Spread into a buttered 8-inch square pan ( I used one of those cheapo disposable aluminum bake pans, and I totally recommend it. It was way easier to manipulate in the freezer). Your mix should be sticky and should pack together in the bottom of the pan like shortbread. If it isn't this consistency, add more butter for stick or more sugar/flour for less stick. Bake at 350 degree F for about 20 minutes, until firm and lightly browned around the edges. Cool.

Meanwhile, mix chocolate, Nips, 1/4 stick butter and heath bar crumbles in a small saucepan. Put saucepan in a large boiler pan with water, and turn to medium. Allow boiler pan to bubble and heat the chocolate mix in the middle saucepan. Stir slowly every so often -when the mix is ready the caramels will have melted into the chocolate.

At the same time, combine 4 ounces butter, 2 tablespoons sugar, condensed milk, and pecans in a small saucepan; cook on lowish-medium, stirring, until mixture leaves the sides of the pan. Stir in vanilla. Pour over shortbread. Spread melted chocolate mix over the top; stick in the freezer for 45 min. or an hour. I took Charko and the dogs for a walk in the park for an hour and pulled them out after approx. 90 min. Cut in squares.

Freaking Fantabulous.





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