Personal Security

Now I have to say, I'm one of these women (probably a dumb-ass) that feels immortal. I'm pretty sure I can kick some ass when I feel like it, as long as I'm sober and I can catch you. Broke a few noses in my day, and I've had no problem rolling big men off of me when necessary. And it has been.

This isn't just a size issue. When I was anorexic and a coke addict, around 126 lbs., I was still pretty strong. Soccer, you see, has benefits.

I'm doing a paper for my marketing class, and the product my team picked is the body alarm. It's actually really effective, and won't hurt anybody. I thought about it a bit recently when I was working on getting my shit together for my Master's Degree App. I'm trying to get into GSU, and it's really notorious for crime. When I went to paralegal school, we had to be escorted by security guards to our car from the law library. At 7 PM.

Anyway, doing my research for this paper, I found this website. I keep finding crap online I would totally blow money on.

Information Unlimited's Magnetic Cannon

They sell a hypnosis machine; a mind and brain control device that works by "electronic circuit allows synchronization of one's brain waves to produce controlled states of relaxation or weird and bizarre hallucinations. Simple to adjust and use".

Anyway, as my current bipolar induced fantasy* is of working for the CIA, as recommended by both the shrinkies now, I'm all into this mind control shit. I can't find a psychology doctorate program specializing in criminal psychology. You know, serial killers and shit.

* Seroquel may be an option for me... a traditional anti-psychotic but now used for all phases of bipolar disorder. I think my career fantasies, sex fantasies, and recall of weird events in brilliant detail may be a psychotic symptom. Feedback needed from my loved ones on this one.




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You Know You're Pretty Freaking Special When...

The State of Georgia General Assembly passes House Resolution 386
(By: Representatives Golick of the 34th, Richardson of the 19th, Tumlin of the 38th, and Crawford of the 16th)

Georgia General Assembly House Resolution 386


which basically says my boyfriend from high school is a great dude. He's only a 3L at Georgia State University. Jeezums.

Just for the record, unless the global technology/oil apocalypse truly does occur in the next 20 years and you can't access my post on this topic online:

This guy is running for President. It's been in the cards since he was about 10. I've only known him since I was 13 or so, but trust me. You can smell a presidential candidate when you meet him.

And he's perfectly ambitious. By that, I mean he is so freaking smart in the means of personal and professional politics that he knows how to make this happen. Even more significantly, I believe he has subconscious instincts that drive him in all of his pursuits...it's not planned. It just is.

I'm telling you. He has less than 15 years to go before he can run for President. He's going to work for a public defender, and then he'll campaign for representative. Then on to Congress. And the river runs from there.

Perhaps someday, if I am not immediately dismissed as being biased due to our past relationship, I'll write a book about him post-presidency, and describe what an enigmatic, meticulous genius this guy is. A true human puzzle to me for most of my life, I'll tell you that much. And very few people have been that for me. I like to think I'm talented at reading people. (Ol Super Smart Shrinko Man, himself a graduate of West Point, says that I could be hired by the CIA. Apparently we have some instinctual capabilities outside the norm: the ability to understand and "feel" people pretty quickly).

Being in the presence of this guy is a bit unnerving. I guess I can see how he'd bring out the stalker instincts in any woman. Trust me, he has Bill Clinton-like captivating capabilities. All it will take is one halfway smart woman who is completely infatuated with the idea of loving someone that dang smart.

Anyway, there is my prediction. I think we're looking at a Presidential Candidate come 2024 or 2028.



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Frogs and Dogs

My favorite boss - one of three - is one of these "all or nothing" people. It's pretty funny. Anyway, he's going through a really hard time - been stuck in a bad marriage for 7 years, and is honestly a really good guy. Staying in it for the sake of the kids.

I don't know what it is about people who are unhappy or lonely, but we get pets.
So my boss decides to buy a 60 gallon aquarium, along with five platys. All female. All pregnant.

So now my boss has 120 baby platys, all separated into their own little holding tanks so they don't get et*.

Boss convinces me to get an aquarium. Went to my new favorite thrift store, and bought a 30 gallon, perfectly working aquarium for $5. I'm a shopper extraordinaire, I tell you.

Then boss tells me that the local PetSmart has those African Dwarf Frogs - the itty bitty ones (as big as my pinky, maybe) that swim in the fishtank and eat the algae.

I freak. I've looked for those stinking frogs for close to 5 years now, and haven't been able to find them. Been told by a handful of pet store employees that those frogs don't come to GA.

I knew that they would go fast. I went home Thursday night (July 12th) and tell Z that we're getting fish. And frogs. He looked at me funny, as he knew I was on a rolling three day long manic state.

Saturday - Went to the Booth Museum for the first time with Charky and Momma in Law - Wow is that place gorgeous. Absolutely amazing art work. Very contemporary stuff, too. It looks like a Smithsonian museum, which it now is, I suppose. Crittersville is getting modern, people.

Go to favorite Noon meeting, which I am now the GSR of. That means Georgia State Representative, and it sounds a little politic and bureaucratic for me, considering I am so anti-establishment and I really just joined AA as someone who wanted recovery. Sanity. Contentment. The opportunity to visualize a better life through my blurry vision.

Then off to PetCo, which is recommended by a local Acworthian friend (it's cheaper than PetSmart). Pull into parking lot, and tell Z and Charky we are only looking at the Humane Society pets for a minute, then buying frogs.

Well it just didn't work that way. I was feeling pretty strong (1 mg. klonopin) and safe, so I felt like I could bond with the animals and pat all of them. Which was a lot of fun by the way. Pass two crates full of dalmatian-colored kitties. Pass a crate with a lab mix. Pass and pat a crate with a funny looking, sad-eyed brown and tan dog, who looks kind of little and skinny. Pass a chow-lab mix. Pass a wheaten terrier, who proceeds to growl at me so I skip the patting. Return back down the line, heading out towards the fish section. Stop at the funny looking tan and black dog.

Looked at this dog in the eyes. We gazed at eachother for a minute. I sat down next to the crate, and began to stroke him as best as I could through the bars. Timid, and retreated back from my hand a bit, but slowly the dog realized I was calm and of gentle spirit, so he allowed me to pat his face, his neck, his breast.

Slowly I stand up, and the Humane Society women proceed to explain that the dog is a girl, and she is 3. A Doberman Pinscher, and lived with 10 cats at her foster home. Very socialized, calm, regal, and gentle. A big house-baby, doesn't really want to go outside much. The owner just gave her up, said he didn't really want a dog anymore. Humane Society woman loves this dog, and wishes she could keep her.

I regretfully proceed to the fish section, where Charky is already yelling about some stingray. Z even more slowly follows behind, his gait labored. You can tell when he's walking slow because he's in pain or when he's pondering something significant.

I find the frogs, and discover my excitement is no longer about my coveted froggies. I'm thinking about that dog. My heart grows more weary, as I think about all the warnings Z has given - we don't have a fenced yard, we can barely afford our own family, we can't keep our house clean as is with two cats and destructo-kid.

Z looks at the frogs disinterestedly. I quietly say, "She's 3, and is house-broken, calm, and gets along with cats and children. Big house baby, sleeps on the couch."

I ask him what he's thinking.

Like usual, he gives me this passive answer: "I dunno. What are you thinking?".

I respond, "I'm debating whether to go ask those Humane Society ladies to let me walk the dog around the store on a leash."

Poof. Z is gone. I finish talking to the fish employee about my froggies, and ask all the questions I can think of. He kindly gets me a little canvas bag thingie to hold my bag of froggies and the water conditioner and other accessories.

Z shows up in the fish section with this lanky pooch, smooth-haired, with this skinny face and big sad eyes. She is following him at his side, practically hunching over, smelling everything and feeling a bit nervous with all of the activity smells children animals in that place. I sit down on the floor again, in the middle of the PetCo aisle, with my canvas bag holding the froggies at my side. Begin to pat and stroke her, and calm her down. She lays down on the floor, and puts her feet in my lap.

So we spend another hour and a half being emotionally torn about this dog. We don't need a dog. Consider that the Humane Society lady is really just selling the dog, because she wants it out of the shelter. Speak to her again and again, and find that she is one of these tender hearted animal lovers. She's interested in finding a good home for the dog as much as finding the right people for her.

Pace back and forth, contemplating this heart pull. Can't really afford the $150. Can't afford vet bills, and dog food. Still don't have a fence, although this dog is apparently not interested in going outside much.

Finally, after I run over my fears with Z - that we're making a decision based on emotion, and not logic - he looks in my eyes. I see what he's thinking.

"Family means that no one gets left behind."
- Lilo and Stitch
and

trusting your heart can be the smartest thing we can do - look at the heart decisions we made about our family - our children, your abortion, our falling in love. Our gut instincts - the ones that we knew in our heart to be the right answer, no matter the devil's advocate cons posed - are the ones that turned out to be right. Think about all of your huge regrets - when you applied logic to things that don't have logic involved."

So soon the dog is sitting next to Charky in the backseat of my Explorer, with the groceries in the back, sitting regally and watching us very seriously.

Despite all of my protestations in the PetCo, according to my research this morning she really is a Doberman Pinscher. A small one, albeit, but a pure-bred Dobie without a white spot to be found. Even has the traditional, show-quality tan breast marks on her chest. Very calm, and does love my kitties. Her name is Trixie, and my heart truly is bubbling over.

I pat her and bathed her and walked her and read about her online for hours. She is smart, and friendly, and playful. Still a bit timid, shakes and quakes a little easy. But there is a regal, serious pose about her that would be intimidating, if she wasn't so dang petite.

So that is my story. Frogs and Dogs. What an emotional weekend. I'm ready for bed.

*My acknowledgement of my slowly progressing Southernism.



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Snewo's Absence from the Blogosphere

So obviously I've been incredibly busy. To you devoted readers, I apologize for my absence - in truth, my brain is absent, also.

You see, for the past month or so - since before the wedding, I've really been struggling with my highs and lows. (See my post from August 31, 2006). They're pretty stinking awful. I do have a number of situational issues that could provoke my longer-lasting depression, but overall, it feels like this unconquerable mood - a shadow covering my personality and psyche - that just won't go away. I hide in bed a lot, and have been coming home from work and just sleeping or reading. I've fallen behind in school, and am not feeling real on top of my studies. I'm a mess.

Being married to Z is a dream come true, I swear. He puts up with my mood swings and talks me through them...I couldn't have asked for a more sympathetic, in-touch-with-my-true-soul mate.

The last week has been a bit better - I feel more even. I had started seeing this Psychiatrist (the drug-prescribing nutty doctor) in Crittersville so I wouldn't have to take off work in Canton and drive to the old druggie shrink in Rome. This new guy is awesome - one of those incredibly smart people who talks fast and knows a whole bunch about a plethora of subjects. A West Point grad, and a Psychiatrist for the military during several war campaigns. He made me feel a lot better about my mental illness - he explained that the military and the government actually seek out persons with bipolar disorder, as we have this weird uncanny ability to read people...one of my talents. Talk about inspiring me to go for my doctorate in psychology and really start working in the field of my passion - psychotic serial killers.

I know, seems bizarre, but I totally have an interest in this shit. I have read and studied about every book written about criminal profiling and noted serial killers, and the behaviors common about them.

But enough about my future plans.
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Work is amazing, but I'm in a real dilemma. I recently got med insurance for the family through work, and now my net income for the year is about 16K....about a third of my former net. While this is positive from a tax standpoint come Feb. 2008, I am not quite used to the idea of struggling so hard to make ends meet.

But what do I do? I have the opportunity to take another job that relies upon my research skills from the insurance company. I'd be researching DOL and HR issues, and summarizing them for the executives.

I'm really stuck in a hard place because I love my job. I love what I'm learning - business development, HTML, java and Photoshop and Illustrator. It's not exactly in my long-term career plan, but it's definitely a job that will keep me from going nuts..very entreuprenurial in spirit, and I work independently and make strategic decisions based on analysis as the sole manager of ops.

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Second, I'm coming up on my 1st birthday from alcohol and the loony bin. And it sure is hard. When I'm depressed, all I really want to do is medicate the hurt away. I finally got a sponsor - the coolest chick of all time, wilder than me, just older - and I'm working on my 5th step (admitting all of my transgressions and character defects. But somehow I've lost my ability to shut down my mind and just meditate. The quiet isn't coming.

Dad gave me a copy of his "Intro to Meditation" CD by Alan Watts. I really wanted to download it to my IPod and listen to it on my walks at lunch every day. But my stinking IPod broke.

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I know I'm a mess because I've lost 22 lbs and I have no interest in cooking or food. Totally unlike me. At this rate, I may finally look like my own ideation of Snewo by Christmas.

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I miss my best friend terribly, and wish she lived across the street like we had always planned. We could drink tea after work and bitch. I need a hug from her badly, and she's so far away it makes me more sad.

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On a more positive note, I'm learning web page design pretty quickly, and I'll hopefully begin to change my ugly blog template pretty soon. YAY! I've been really busy at work - creating blogs and creating memberships with forums and etc. But hopefully with this new firefox plugin I'll have a beautiful Anywhere But Here blog soon.

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Resentful at my friend who skipped my wedding, and hasn't talked to me since. Wondering if she doesn't care, and is unhappy with me or my decision to marry Z.

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That's all for now. I have a bunch of non-Snewo stuff in a folder in my yahoo! email account to blog about, I just don't seem to have any more time.

Happy Independence Day! Thank God we can soon change our political criminals in power. We watched an Obama town hall meeting last night, and I totally saw a lot of JFK in him. He may just make me a true-believer (If you haven't seen Wag the Dog it's a must-see).









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