Current Mood: A little scared. Definitely vulnerable.
Reason #1: I'm pretty sure I'm having a miscarriage. Started day before yesterday, and I think it's almost over. I was surprised at how it hurt much less than having an abortion. Food for thought, unexpectedly pregnant-women world-round. Perhaps the old way of inducing abortion with teas made of herbs and flowers is the right way.
Anyway, I don't have medical insurance this week, as I'm between jobs. Heh. Z keeps telling me he's all worried I need to go have a D&C. I told him that a douche will work just fine, thanks, I don't need a $1K hospital bill. I think Crittersville Medical Center may cut me off soon, anyway. I'm always late paying their outrageous bills that aren't ever covered by insurance. And I can't keep saying, "
well it's a life or death thing. I could die if I don't get seen by a Doc." In truth - it's always a life or death thing, isn't it?
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Reason #2: I start my new job tomorrow. And while I know this is a great opportunity and I know I'm doing the right thing I'm still a little frightened. It's very hard to get stuck in a rut - a dysfunctional, psychologically trying rut at that - and then all of a sudden just leave that dysfunction. Now I'm moving onto a new job, where I'm trying to remain optimistic that I'm not going to have to acclimate to different kinds of dysfunction. With my already dysfunctional self.
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Reason #3: I found my two ex-best-friends online, on MySpace. Don't get me started on how MySpace sucks and is for the followers. Anyway, I found both. One of them I lost only pretty recently - three or four years ago. Haven't spoken to him since. Don't really have an urge to talk to him. I think the last time I got hurt by him was enough. I know when to walk away from punishment. I'm not a sadist or anything. However, seeing his page was disconcerting to say the least. All kinds of questions are raised. "
Do you think of me?" "
Do you regret knowing me?" "
Are you sorry for anything that transpired between us?" "
Do you know that I protect your memory by not talking about you - that everyone who knows you says untruths about you? They do this because they don't really know you. But I do."
My other ex-best-friend dumped me when I was sixteen. We had kept up our relationship long distance, between here and California. I admitted to her, on the phone, that I was a cokehead. And she didn't like it. Quit talking to me altogether.
Over the years this loss hurt. A lot. For example, several of my close friends here know of her and ask of her often - "
Do you still talk to L?" "
Has she called you?". I don't lie - I tell them why she didn't want to speak to me. I understand the whole I-can't-be-close-to-this-person-because-it-hurts-to-see-them-self-destruct concept. Shit, I've practically lived it with every friend I know. But I gotta tell you, it still hurts to miss someone for that long.
I remember it first became an issue when I became incredibly close with my current best friend (See *
www.transplantedgirl.blogspot.com for reference). I had a really hard time calling her that because I had a best friend, you see. She just didn't have me.
The second time it bothered me was when I was giving birth to Charky. My husband wouldn't be there - he said he couldn't watch. My sister-in-law was there, and all of a sudden she asked if she could stay in the room while I gave birth. I was a little disconcerted - I mean, who wants their sister-in-law to see that???Ew. But I gave in. When I told the nurse it was okay I started to cry. I knew who I wanted to be there, holding my hand. And she wasn't. Because we weren't friends any longer.
Anyway, I thought I had found her online at MySpace. So I sent her a message, just asking if it was really her and commenting that I needed to make amends.
And she replied back. Guardedly. "
How are You" typed out in an email sounds so insincere...trite, you know?
Or am I making more of a big deal of this than it really is? Were we not that close? I've been accused of hanging onto the memory of people for too long...and too emotionally. Was it nutty for me to miss her for the past decade? Was it nutty for me to feel like my life wasn't really happening because she wasn't part of it? Is it nutty for me to feel like I was just hit in the head by a two x four, that my life is veering on some weird course I wasn't prepared for?
I don't know the answers. And I don't know how to reply back to her message. I feel bitter about the whole thing. Accusatory. Like, "
Where the fuck were you?" "
What makes you so fucking special that you can't stick around when times are bad?" "
Did you know that it got worse - that at that particular time - what you were afraid of was actually the beginning of the end?" or
"I'm sorry I was such a fuckup. I didn't know that my being a fuckup was a good reason for those who love me to quit loving me."
I need a valium. And a margarita. And a bottle of Smirnoff. Because I hurt and I want to blunt it right now. My anxiety of miscarrying - losing yet another fetus from a man I really love. My anxiety of finding two people that I was probably a lot happier not knowing where to find them. My anxiety about a new job tomorrow, when I'm smack dab in the middle of a crying jag.
Aaaarrrghhh.
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