Monday, January 31, 2005


Deluge Posted by Hello

2005 Flu List

I must put together my 2005 flu list, containing activities and such from the last week. Here goes.

1. As always, daytime TV really sucks. Maury Povich used to be a decent man, from my memories of childhood. That "Lie Detector: Has your significant other cheated?" episode gave me a cramp and put me back in bed.

2. All of Viacom's reality shows are put out new once and then constantly recirculated, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I watched the same damn Newlyweds episode every day, for 5 days, for 5 minutes at a pop, until I realized the stupid station didn't have the sense to alter episodes. I still haven't fully seen the second Gitte/Flavor Flav episode because it pisses me off so badly that they don't change the programming.

3. Nothing ever tastes right when you are sick. I ended up throwing out a bunch of food in the fridge, and barely picking at my favorite foods. I went to the grocery store and replaced all of the thrown out stuff, and now I feel stupid because it still tastes bad. I feel like the little girl from "Signs": "It's contaminated".

4. My cats smothered me with neediness while I was ill. That is emotionally rewarding when you feel like crap, but is also irritating when you begin to feel better. There is something picturesque about the sleeping thing: White kitty spooning with the belly, black kitty spooning just underneath the ass. Yin Yang.

5. Men who hang around and make you soup are the best discovery of all time. I'm sure that my constant complaint - "It tastes funny" had to be a pain in the ass.

6. My daughter telling me she missed me made me feel nice. I couldn't hug her and kiss her and I still feel kind of lost.

7. Take extra bubble baths extra hot when you are sick. Instead of once a day, make it three or four times. Instead of 120, crank it to the top. You feel worse when you feel dirty, and you always feel yucky when you are ill.

8. Don't answer the phone or check your email. Life is so much nicer when you are ill and you choose to stay in a vacuum. My communication was limited to Zee and baby girl.

9. Why haven't they made movies of Artemis Fowl? Those books are awesome!

10. Reading by candlelight at midnight on a saturday night with the power out and an ice storm is kind of nice. Again, read Artemis Fowl.

Sunday, January 30, 2005


When it rains around here, it pours.  Posted by Hello

Killer Flu from Hell ( Or just deluded workaholic, I am not sure which one applies)

In case I haven't returned your phone calls or your emails, I have been in a semi-state of hiding for the past week. I knew by Monday that I didn't feel well, but I blew it off to my normal Monday bitchiness. By Tuesday I was anxious, cranky, crabby and whiny, but I blew it off to having a final that night. ( That final really pissed me off. I hate having to encourage others. I don't necessarily mind being a positive influence, but at a certain level you would expect people to have their own drive)

Wednesday I bailed out of work by noon, after saying I wouldn't go home. I am determined to have a real vacation this year, and not spend all of my time off sick or for personal responsibilities and etc. However, after putting up with some absolute bs for five hours, I said f&*% it and called the hot Indian GP for an appointment. Rode the elevator and felt pretty dizzy - blew that off to some kind of weird equilibrium thing in the elevator. Got in my car, drove an hour towards home, and arrived in the GP offices' parking lot. Didn't remember a bit of my journey. Attributed my lack of memory to not having had anything to eat yet that day.

Fell asleep in the waiting room ( a true sign of illness on my behalf, I require absolute silence for sleeping, not a bunch of blue-haired women gossipping about their hemorroids and Maude's latest Botox) and finally went back to my own little roomie. Spent time catching up with hot Indian doc, who insisted on asking about everything. Normally, I wouldn't mind a bit, but today I felt a little nonplussed about the whole thing. I really just wanted to go home and get in my bed.

Hot Indian Doc said I had a bad case of the flu with a nice touch of bronchitis to accompany it. He wanted to know if I managed to locate a flu shot this year. I remember feeding him this look of disbelief - ie - "You must be one loony fu&*in hot Indian doc to think I have the time to seek out a flu shot. I understand it was important, but I have other things going on in my day that don't really allow me any personal time, ya know what I mean?"

However, Doc and I reached a state of zen enlightenment when we concluded talking about the color of my mucus and other delights, and managed to discuss the new bar I had discovered. Doc was ultra pleased I quit smoking last year. ( Somehow I had forgot to go back for a follow up and tell him how delightful his little inhalers were). He laughed at me and treated me like some bad-15 year old when I told him I have taken up cigar smoking instead. Nice work from the hot doc.

Anyway, I went home and have been virtually asleep for four days or so. I feel pretty horrible, I lost 10 lbs., and my skin is breaking out like I am a sophomore in high school. I honestly have no clue how I am going to drag my ass out of bed tomorrow and go back to my routine of hell, but we are just going to buckle up and make it work. You miss more than two days of work and the open req is out, everyone assumes you died, and they begin to go through your drawers for treasure.

Thursday, January 20, 2005


I am going to have a hard time discussing why this makes me happy. Let's just say that it makes a whole lot easier making the men in your life feel okay with themselves after seeing "the man" in the buff. Posted by Hello

A friend sent me an email today, telling me about her exceptional soy chai latte and how happy it made her. She instructed me to choose to be happy for just one minute and enjoy it thoroughly. As I was a bit of a true bitch today ( I hurt three different people's feelings and was ridiculously apologetic afterward, I felt so terrible about it) I guessed that this was gentle encouragement on her part. So here goes, again, my list of things that make me happy. Trivial or not, my day seems somewhat lighter and I feel more childlike with these as part of my existence.

1. Tonight is the beginning of the new season of The Apprentice. Between that and the new American Idol season, I am positively ecstatic about watching television again.
2. I made it to work today. That was a plus, considering how crappy I have felt. I assume there is a reason my insulin pump's manufacturer has a patent "pending".
3. I bought a present for a baby shower today, and was ultimately thrilled that I am not pregnant, thinking about being pregnant, or planning a pregnancy. Love my babe, but there is an element of headache to having/preparing for a newborn. On the other hand, seeing all of the new baby crap they have out reminded me I need to go to Toys R Us and "toytest" with my friend who works there. We usually get away with it because her Manager knows I tend to bring them funds.
4. I went to the Doctor last week and discovered I had gained 20 lbs. in six weeks, according to his scale. I admit I suffered from a wee bit of blues after that experience. However, I am now fully recognizing that I am not insane: no amount of starvation, pill-popping, exercise or other weight loss techniques (I'm honestly amazed at the amount of people I know with an eating disorder. They are a bit like freckles, I think. Their rationale is amazing. More on that later.) will fight the all-encompassing weight gaining power of INSULIN. Managed to stay optimistic and remain on my 1000 calorie per day diet.
5. Went to class this week and discovered the members of my team have bailed on me for various reasons. As our final is next week, and is 60% of our grade ( Each individual grade in this particular course is weighted at 65% teamwork, 35% individual - you do the math) I felt I kept my composure rather well. I am sitting here smiling despite the fact I have yet to start on my 15 minute powerpoint presentation, or my 2000 word essay.
6. A very close family member went to the gym for their typical 2.5 hour workout yesterday morning and fell unconscious on the floor. They were sent to the hospital all day yesterday for testing (when you are in your early 50s, I suppose that is the protocol) and seem to be fine. However, my current project is locating for them a qualified shrink specializing in something or another. As this person is making entire leaps in actually wanting to be shrunk, I am both thrilled that they want to go, but intimidated thinking I will send them to the one person who fu#$s them up. That's a toss up on the happy scale, I suppose.
7. I get to hang out with my daughter, my just turned 3 year old pseudo stepson, and my 15 year old pseudo-stepdaughter this weekend. HURRAY for VALIUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8. My daughter presented me with some of her art yesterday. It was a drawing of us eating at our favorite mexican restaurant, complete with the weird fake Degas on the wall, the sombrero lamps and etc. I was thrilled to pieces and laughed and laughed at her attention to detail. Who would've thought.
9. My sweet Zee watched a rerun of Newlyweds with me yesterday - the one where Nick surprises Jessica with a puppy for her birthday. Zee broke down in tears, and I told him how thrilled I was to be with a man who was that sensitive and sweet. He ran out of the room, and came back a few minutes later. "I don't wanna watch this show anymore." I laughed and laughed and laughed.
10. I found some lovely New York Times articles this morning that gave me a thrill... how about booksluts.com? The similarities of brain patterns amongst liberals and conservatives? Or Forbes article about Super-Spas? Yay for some inspiration!!!

Monday, January 17, 2005


Wanna follow the Dalai Lama with me? My Uncle flies him around with Richard Gere, we would have a great time. Posted by Hello

So I just feel absolutely terrible at this given moment. A friend of a friend hooked up with a man I had dealings with a long time ago. Unfortunately, her twist of fate hasn't helped her out the way mine did. I am pretty sure I know where she is, and I know it isn't pretty.

Thinking about those old days doesn't really bother me much. I figure I have killed enough neurons to only be able to remember the happy times. However, I just emailed my poor friend with advice, she is terrified for her friend and doesn't know what to do or think. As I told her the things I knew about this man, and his life and haunts, I just cried and cried.

It shames me to think that there is such evil in this world, and it isn't easy to stamp it out. Often it is hiding behind a clean face and a smile, and that can be the most ruthless and insidious kind. It shames me to think that I disrespected myself so much for so long and I never fixed it, I went from one bad situation to the next. I never had thought about it as disrespect - your body is a temple and all that crap - until now. I had always thought I was simply indifferent and having a great time.

I am so sorry for anyone out there who is seeing the things I once saw. It makes me feel terrible to think I can't make those things go away, and that I wasn't the only one in this world to have such experiences.

I am praying for you, K. Come home and be with your babies while they still love you, and before they hate you for leaving. I know you are strong enough to get out of the hole you are in.

Sunday, January 16, 2005


Gavin, like any other female post-breakup, enjoys lots of carbo loading during a depressed time. Don't you just want to smooch the man? Posted by Hello

Gavin Newsom

San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom has split from his equally beautiful wife, Kimberly Guilfoyle Newsom. This man has dispensed the polarization of the bay area in the past few years, between the die-hard-rainbow flag t-shirt wearing liberals and the more conservative yuppies of the east bay. The ladies of California are all collectively sighing at once...no rumors of a Governor McGreevey scandal yet, thank god. "We always knew that straight men could be beautiful and effeminate! Thank God for the metrosexual movement! This man has better hair than we do and that is just okay by us!"

Terrible thing, to be pleased when a marriage breaks up. Sign of the times. 50 years ago, people didn't wish a marriage would split, they simply hoped the abusive alchoholic in the relationship would finally keel over and die and leave the missus to her ironing in peace. Now we wish for those emotionally vulnerable men - post split - who just want a romp in the sack in order to feel better. Whoops - did I say that aloud?

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Love you, Mel

So I finally broke down and watched "The Passion of the Christ" last night. Yesterday I ended up in this conversation with someone about Oliver Stone flicks. My friend said that he had this thing for Alexander the Great biographies, and he felt like that had been "his thing" since childhood. Then he said that he wasn't sure how he felt about going to see "Alexander" because he hated Oliver Stone movies.

I know Stone is controversial and just plain weird, but I told my friend I thought he should go see the flick just because Oliver apparently feels the same way about Alexander. Stone has been an Alexander junkie since childhood also (and that is a whole lot longer time to be passionate about something) and had to bust his balls to get that flick made.

So then I thought about my whole premise I just laid out. Because someone has made a film and considers it to be their life work - they committed so much passion and energy into making sure that it happened - you should go see that intense passion encapsulated into a two hour flick.

So I felt bad. I hadn't seen Mel Gibson's passion, just because I thought I wasn't interested in the subject at hand. Truth be known, I wasn't interested at all, I didn't want to go see some flick and experience a religious conversion and come home to Jesus.

But I loved it. Not for the religious significance, but because ol' Mel did a really great job. I agree it isn't Oscar worthy, because it isn't that exceptional of a movie artistically, but as far as laying out a picture of what we have only heard or read.... it was nearly perfect. I had to explain to Zee a lot of Mel's rationale for doing certain things, because Mel is a fundamentalist and reads the good book line by line. We know that certain elements were not correct because we are a little more aware of the finite details. However, the big picture, minus the details, as described in the book was shown on screen.

Am glad I changed my mind and decided to watch it. Most likely one of those films that just "needs to be seen". Also glad Zee didn't have a stroke when I asked him to watch it with me. It brought discussion to the table, and most films you watch don't do that anymore. Now I am off to go steal Dad's "South Park-The Passion of the Christ" episode.


Mount Davidson Posted by Hello

Friday, January 14, 2005


My little innocent toys take off in the world to find the lights and glitz - Save yourself, children! Do not come back! Posted by Hello

Ode to Ben

This is completely ridiculous. I went to see Beauty and the Beast with Sharky, and now I have Gaston's rafter swinging, antler decorating song stuck in my head. My poetry is absolutely horrendous, but is best sung to that tune.


With your curly hair and a goofy grin
you made me come back to school again
where I most likely would have been skipping
your sweet face brought me back to the light

You never harassed me for smoking
in the parking lot prior to song
I told you your tie-dye was yummy
and with that hair you just couldn't go wrong

I once played your mother in a play
and felt I had committed a crime
You tall lanky drink of water
must come back to see me sometime

Sweet jailbait presbyterian boy
You disappeared to NY to go play pretend
I just wanted to keep you as my toy
but instead you are now in a bend

I love you pretend to be Liam
but doing that one thing is naughty on film
I will go see the movie to see him
I might shock - must smuggle in swill



Nutty Child Posted by Hello

Thursday, January 13, 2005

My week has progressively improved. Still feel kind of out of it and odd, but I am back into "be kind to others" mode. I wonder if my bitchiness is just more apparent to others because I have cut off the link for emotional vampirism. I am no longer giving anything, or receiving the input, so they feel like an addict on the bends.

Went to the hot GP yesterday just for kicks. I haven't been to the Doctor in 8 months or so, and I have been remarkably healthy. Isn't that funny. Anyway, my GP is well known in my community of friends because he is the hottest drink of water in the Medical profession. He's about 6' 2", and Indian, and looks like some movie star from Bollywood. He speaks very, very fast, and I can generally push anything from him as long as I have put in adequate research on the JAMA site.

I need to email my friend in Philly. One of her exes was a topic of discussion outside of my closed room at the Doc's, between hot bollywood doc and his nurse. Apparently he was attempting to have his painkiller prescription filled at multiple pharmacies (copies made) all over a 100 mile radius, and was blowing his way through any questions posed. This patient had been outed when one pharmacy finally called the GP offices to check on the scrip. I questioned discussing it with my hot GP, but didn't feel it would be very nice to admit that

A. I knew his patient;
B. Could hear the conversation.

I wasn't eavesdropping, by the way. I honestly was trying to take a nap on the examining table while I waited. I can't sleep unless there is absolute silence, so they were distracting me.

Thought it was all kind of sad. This guy comes from a decent family and had pretty incredible talent at one time. I think he has spent the past ten years or so in and out of jail for petty drug offenses. Sad. I do think I should call my friend and tell her though, she has hopped in and out of bed with this guy over the drug decade and she might find it kind of amusing.... I hope.



Monday, January 10, 2005


This is what it looks like where I grew up. In November. No wonder I have the blues. Posted by Hello

Seeking something happy to make me smile and laugh.

I can't even think of an example, that is how dark I have felt for awhile.
I don't think this is normal.

Just need some saltwater and sand. Warmer temps in the 80s and 90s would be nice.

I keep kicking myself. Last year I promised I would save all my vacation time to go somewhere temperate over winter. I can only try to bear it through this winter and hope I can accomplish it next year. I might skip christmas. I could rent a little shack on the beach and fish and pick bananas... dive for abalone and weave sea grass into skirts.

I don't think that SADD really affects people, unless they have icelandic or finnish heritage or something, but I don't really know how else to explain my winter blues. I hate being cold. I start getting these hot and cold flashes from wearing too many clothes, I start breaking out in hives (currently all over my chest and face, I feel like I am 15), my skin looks positively ashy (Thank you, biracial great-grandmas, for that one) and my hair looks like I dye it because it starts turning dirty blonde...

Need a month off laying naked on some beach.


Sunday, January 09, 2005


Were you touched by something intangible today? Posted by Hello

Happy 2nd Birthday, Zee

On Saturday, January 8th, Zee celebrated his 2nd birthday. Two years ago on that date, he died four or five times after a pretty horrific car accident. It changed our lives, and our friend's lives, and we kind of view the day with significance.

Zee had a hard time with this day, as he did last year. He kind of spends the day feeling like he needs to hide....I guess I can understand that. Who would want to test the weird structure of fate? Especially when you never really figured out the exacting significance of the trauma incurred before?

Anyway, I felt really guilty about not sending out some massive email telling everyone to wish him happy birthday. It means a lot to him if you would, and I know he needs it. I am not sure anyone else really thought much about it, time has gone by.

So send zee a message, and tell him how glad you are he is alive, and how sorry we still are to see how his friend (the driver) has been affected. His life definitely changed for the better, and he seems to appreciate a whole lot more of what he has.


Not going to happen, zee Posted by Hello

Vacation - Doer or Snoozer?

Zee doesn't want to go shark diving with me, and this began a large debate about vacationing. If I want to just take a few days off, I will lay around and sleep and be lazy. I don't need to cough up a bunch of dough to go somewhere and do that.

I like vacations that allow me to escape my mini-reality. I want to see other people's world, and places I haven't a clue about. Although I have been a great white shark fanatic since early childhood, going and realizing my dream of being in the ocean with them is something I feel needs to be fulfilled. We can go to Morocco next, or do the pyramid thing he keeps talking about.

He feels that this is some kind of weird extreme adventure-danger addiction I have. I find that kind of silly. I don't consider myself much of a personal risk-taker anymore, I kind of thought that was over upon the advent of sobriety and motherhood. I don't feel that there is any danger in this activity. This is just more of the little girl inside who swam in the breakers off Pacifica and saw the fins go past. She wanted to dive under and see more, but her fear overwhelmed her, and visibility in Northern California waters is not all that great.

You can now go dive in two different locations near CA for two completely different effects. The sharks off Isla Guadalupe (22 hours from San Diego, off Baja) are docile, calm, and somewhat shy. You have a better experience in a cage because for the most part they don't breach. You can also now go back up to the Farallons (30 miles off San Francisco) and get a violent, hunting pinniped-experience that is bloody, gory and full of acrobatics as these larger sharks go nuts. This seems to be better taken from the boat. I don't really see the point in being underwater in crappy visibility when the activity is mostly taking place afar, and on the water surface.

I am trying to encourage zee to think about at least going with me onboard. He can fish in Guadalupe, and I find saltwaterfishing a pretty exhilarating experience. It isn't like you can fly fish in the temperate ocean, but we do that all the time.

I hate the idea of going alone. Not for the factor of being alone, but because I think this experience is kind of meant to be shared. I would hate to come back and have this huge gaping breadth of perspective that I can't really explain.... you just have to do it.

Thursday, January 06, 2005


Great White Acrobatics off the Farallons Posted by Hello

Sore mood for January

I've spent the past few days in a grumpy funk, and I can't identify the root of the issue. I know it isn't any type A disorganization freak-out, because I haven't been browsing The Container Store. So here I am again, writing things that make me happy, so that I am not altogether absorbed in my black mood.

1. The smell of rain at about 65 to 70 degrees, when it has been absolutely freezing before that.

2. Picking up my daughter from daycare and finding her on the playground, marching around in circles, with ten little kids following behind her. As I watch, I see her direct one to go get a toy, another to sit in a very specific 6 inch sphere, and another to crawl on all fours. If this kid wasn't made for Directing or Management I don't know what's up.

3. Drinking my christmas blend starbucks in the morning. Life sucks with Maxwell House.

4. Discovering my newly bought, outrageously expensive shirt that I didn't have time to try on fits perfectly. Yay for well-made clothing.

5. Ironing zee's shirts and finding you got a perfect crease. Men's clothes rock.

6. Finding out that they have begun allowing cage diving with the great whites in the Farallon Islands again. Apparently the view is a lot more violent, but the sharks are more acrobatic while they are hunting. Pleased I can visit my hometown and do it. Pleased I don't have to get my scuba certification either because they use a hookah.

7. Scrubbing my kitchen floor yesterday made me feel really good. I don't know why.

8. Getting my kid to clean her room, after having had asked a thousand and a half times. Woo-hoo!

9. Discovering my to-do list at work is half-done (shh...don't tell anyone) and that progress is finally being made. Maybe your silent thing that goes on when you are in a severe funk produces productivity. Whatever.

10. Using my new hand lotion. Love freesia.

11. Realizing I will have enough money to go blow on an all-clad saute pan, versus that other cheap crap.

12. Watching zee's new DVDs of Carnivale. That show is awesome.

13. Reading the NY Times article about Tofu. I love Tofu.

14. Knowing kitty's ear infection is getting better.

15. Had an extra hour of sleep last night, making the grand total of 6 hours. Absolutely thrilled and felt divine.

13.

Sunday, January 02, 2005


Happy New Year Posted by Hello

Happy New Year's!

Although we are now a few days into the New Year, I was honestly way too self-absorbed yesterday to do any holiday reflecting. Here are my resolutions, let's take them with a grain of salt. I can always rationalize my Aries-hood - we are unable to complete tasks, but we are really great at envisioning them.

1. This year is a pinnacle birthday for you, sweetie-pie. You were determined to work on losing that weight. The working out 3x per week thing is just not cutting it. I think we are going to have to go radical, and that is perfectly okay. We are going to visualize what your life was like, a long time ago, before recreational activities, marriage, and children got in the way. Do you remember what it was like to go running 3x per day, because you were determined you must have the hottest body of all time? It worked. Even though it seems scary and awful, we have to do something about this, pronto. Those clothes need you....

2. The idea of being done with your education in the normal, prescribed time period has put you into a cosmic funk. Let's fix it. Stop being afraid you'll fuck up your GPA if you double up on your courseload. You are superwoman. Your daughter says so.

3. We also need to work on the financials, baby. You can't just be in debt solely for your education. Let's make some more money so that you can be in debt towards your education but maintain your income-to-debt ratio and purchase a fixer upper. The housing market in your crappy hometown is booming - let's take advantage. It's coming down to either doing it yourself or submitting a business plan to Dad. Let's be honest, you don't have the time to formulate your idea, so keep plugging out those scholarship essays and afford your own place.

4. Zee has been working hard to get his shit together also. Keep congratulating his courage, loving his endurance for hardship, and encourage him as much as he needs. You don't have to overdo it, but you two make an exceptional team, and he needs your cheerleading as much as you need his.

5. Screw those child psychologists. I am not going to give up and allow my child to not clean her room, and simply shut the door, as they suggest. My parents did that to me and I didn't learn those essential cleaning skills. Continue to forge ahead and make that child a neat-freak.

I heard word of my ex-best friend yesterday, and it really got me down for some reason. Although it was kind of nice to hear that he was inquiring after me, to hear the things he said afterward that showed his lack of evolution just reminded me why I cannot trust him as a friend.

It seems really hard to maintain healthy friendships anymore. Zee and I discussed how there needs to be a certain level of loyalty and trust that comes with friendship, and it is completely useless without it.

As much as I miss my former friend, I don't believe I can believe he has changed any. I know that my life is simpler, quieter, and more beautiful in many ways without him around. I can only hope that he can change, but after a while, your cynical sense teaches you that people rarely do. What a shame.